h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*peers through a small crack in the wall by the fire*

This is starting to get a little complicated. I can see it's going to be a long day, so I'd better get the kettle on.

*Picks up empty teapot, and walks into kitchen.*

Well, Sid, what are we going to do now - It's a pity that trick trunk only led to the cellar, but if *you* were down *there*, I wonder what that shape was that I saw moving near the front door? For a cottage in the middle of nowhere, this place does seem to be getting quite busy.

*In the cellar Duke is on yet another rampage, furious over the treatment he recieved on the top of the stairs. He is absolutely convinced that it was Sidney who bestowed him with the afore mentioned treatment, although he did not get a good look at the deedful entity behind the door. As if the various objects inhabiting the cellar were images of Sidney, Duke wacks the horsewhip at them while roaring incoherent. Finally, exhausted from this labour, the Duke seeks support for a brief snap of air and thought against an old painting on the wall. A clicking sound, and the wall swings open, and the opening casts bright light over the Duke. With the horsewhip in attack position, the Duke approaches.*

*Pours perfect cup of tea. Sits back and relaxes.*

Well, Sidney, our friend in the cellar does rather seem to have an anger management problem. Maybe it's all inherited.?

*whispers behind hand*

Personally, if *my* ancestors had spent as much time marrying their relations as some of these aristocrat's forebears had, I wouldn't go out of my way to emphasise my genetic heritage like some of them seem to.

*back to normal voice*

So Sid, what's all this about you and the Duke's daughter, then. Has she inherited her father's sunny disposition?

*Sid winces*

Anyway, Sid, it seems to have gone rather quite down there. Presumably there's no way out but for the stairs, unless there's a secret escpe tunnel, or a way through to next door. Who lives next door anyway?

*Sid looks out of kitchen window*

Thats a mighty fine brew you've made there, thanks.

*Sid sipps at his tea while looking out of the window*

The Duke's daughter, ahh well you see..... well....Errrmmmm, well lets just say I was caught with my pants down, and before I knew it, she expected me to marry her!!

*a huge rumbling and then swooshing sound is heard coming from the cellar*

What the hell is the bumbling fool doing down there?. It sounds like he's taking the bleedin wall down!!

*Sid looks out the window at the stormy, frosty weather*

*The light that nearly makes the Duke blind is coming from a torch that enlightens the path in a roughly digged out tunnel. A few feet away, the tunnel ends in a large closed door. The Duke opens the door, steps over the threshold and founds himself having entered the small cabinet where Venus keeps her cleaning gear. Having tripped over the vacuum cleaner, the Duke opens the door and jumps out.*

AHAAAA!!!
Sidney, I shall now thrash you within an inch of your life.

*Twitches shoulders to loosen up muscles.*

*The bellowing shreak of the Duke scares the shit out of Sid, who jumps in panic spilling his tea!*

Ohh bugger.....

*Sid reaches for his stick and starts to wave it menacingly in front of the Duke.

*They shuffle around the roomm challenging each other with there weapons, both waiting for the other one to make the first move*

*Potholer can be heared in the corner singing "Come and have ago if ya think ya ard enough"*

*strolls in and rubs hands gleefully*

Anyone got popcorn?

Hey, Sid, I think there's a way out of this - the Duke must be a man of honour, try and get *him* to challenge *you* to a duel. Trust me - I have a cunning plan.

*rubs hands even more gleefully*

This is getting better by the minute. Can we still have a little bit of flogging first though? Just a brief but vicious thrashing?

Ok ok Dukey.... this is getting us know where you bumbling baffoon!!!

I challenge you to a duel Sir!!

(right, what next Potholer?)

While we're on the subject of bumbling fools....

I *did* say '...try and get *him* to challenge *you* to a duel'

Note the emphasis - unfortunately, the cunning plan doesn't actually *work* the other way around.

Bugger!!!

anybody got any Tip-Ex...?

Well, strictly speaking, it should be *him* challenging *you* anyway, if he is the aggrieved party. Maybe you couild appeal to his sense of tradition?

*a soft shadow flits past the window again.....a strange sense of calm seems to wash over the room.....peaceful music seems to be drifting from some indeterminate direction far far away...*

*Sid stops in his tracks and listens*

*Sid feels an inner calm..... the days troubles seem to be lifted*

Ahhhhhhhh............

*a tear trickles down Venus' cheek...she can't be with Sidney and the boys right now...she just hopes she will be allowed to return to the land of mortals again soon...at least she can watch over them*

*Sid is confused at Venus's absents once again. For Venus, Sid will wait for ever!!*

Forever is such a long time, Sid - besides, if you wait too long she'll go all wrinkly.

*hmmph!* Godesses don't get wrinkles (at least, this one doesn't). But like a fine wine, I improve with age. And of course, one sip is never enough...