h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Coy - A74000486
Author: Still_WRD - U1665007

Here's one hot off the presses. I'm glad for any comments, as it's still pretty unpolished.

Well done!

Methinks you have read Andrew Marvell's 'To his Coy Mistress'(which is a great poem) and tried to write a modern take on it. This is an ambitious undertaking and the result is sophisticated poetry.

You have carried on the sense of some of the sentences beyond the line breaks.

You have kept the rhyme going with one exception: 'Regret/grant'.

The rhythm generally works well, although I'm not sure about 'Ameliorates me as much'.

I like the line 'Of apple hue on cinnamon lip'.

One or two detailed crits:

I'm not sure about 'Of will and sum' in line 2. 'Of will and flesh' might be better.

I think the tense in line 8 is wrong. It should be 'lose these goals.'

I like the image of the moth and the candle, though I'm not sure you can follow it with 'And all my flesh to jelly turns'. 'Water' might be more consistent.

I'm not sure about the meaning in:
'We are but young, and yet my rust/ is covered with a layer of dust'

I'm not sure about the meaning in
'Though I was too weak to resist/a moment's lapse and thus exist'

I'm no great fan of rhyming poetry and to be honest I find this piece a bit stilted in its use of archaic expressions for my tastes but having said that not everyone likes modern verse like I do

I think people work too hard at getting the words to rhyme sometimes and allow it to become the raison detre of the poem.
I wonder whether the intrusion (imho)of the rhyme might be lessoned by some line breaks?

I'm not the best judge of this type of poem,this style so I'd listen more to MVP as i think she is

I've let it rest, done some fiddling, going to leave it rest a bit again. There are more quite nice parts in it now, I think, but it still doesn't feel quite there yet. Anyway, mVp, I believe I have addressed all of your concerns, but please tell me if you have more.

And yes, "To His Coy Mistress" has been one of my favorites since HS, though this isn't so much a modern take as it is just mine. I suppose I am modern...

Alright, I think it's done. Or close enough as makes no odds.

I like the new version better.

The meaning is clearer and you've dealt with the nit-picks I had.