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A46395912 - Five Black Lines
Keith Miller yes that Keith Miller Started conversation Jan 24, 2009
Entry: Five Black Lines - A46395912
Author: Keith Miller: Australian, 'In Excelsis'. - U1287143
Author Explanation: Spinifex is a grass and Mulga is a member of the Acacia family of trees. Where it hasn't been cleared, the vast plains of Mulga trees are simply called the Mulga. Pronounced this way..Moll-Gah, gah as in got ya!
A46395912 - Five Black Lines
minorvogonpoet Posted Jan 24, 2009
This creates a very strong image: the five black lines created by man for his electricity becoming home to swallows. I think the rhyme scheme contributes without dominating
But there are one or two places where the word order seems a bit contrived. Why 'Mulga endless' instead of 'endless Mulga'?
And why 'Into the desert air does flow'?
A46395912 - Five Black Lines
Keith Miller yes that Keith Miller Posted Jan 25, 2009
"But there are one or two places where the word order seems a bit contrived. Why 'Mulga endless' instead of 'endless Mulga'?
And why 'Into the desert air does flow'?"
Answer to both questions is that I'm not really good at this type of poem and hopefully you and dmitri will give me some clues to to tighten this up a bit
It's hard not to sound too contrived in this type of rhyme scheme.
I've stopped writing this way now(this is a few years old) but I still enjoy the mind picture of it all.
A46395912 - Five Black Lines
Dmitri Gheorgheni, Post Editor Posted Jan 25, 2009
I've puzzled over this, because this kind of poem is dense for me, and takes several readings.
This may just be personal taste, but in a poem as heavily rhythmic as this, I get hypnotised. I'd rather see a regular rhyme scheme, or no rhyme at all. Waiting to see if one is going to show up distracts me from the imagery.
I'm sure this is fine as it is, but I get lost in it.
Sorry for the possibly idiosyncratic reading here.
A46395912 - Five Black Lines
LL Waz Posted Mar 13, 2009
On a second read, this has some stunning images and I love it.
On the first read I wasn't sure what it was really about until the last verse and the couple of 'poetic' word orderings were offputting.
On that second read I started seeing it and forgot all the rest.
Imo it's worth having another go at this focusing on the picture being painted. I'd drop the crucifix reference as it has distracting connotations (unless I'm missing something, which is quite likely and in which case apologies), and those archaic word-orders. They mislead - I was busy trying to see why they were there.
Enough for now, thank you for the trip to Oz and the swallows. It'll be a couple of months yet before we have them round here again,
Waz
A46395912 - Five Black Lines
CallMeCordelia Posted Mar 16, 2009
I enjoyed reading your poem. Your words painted a vivid landscape.
One small suggestion, perhaps you can try rewording the last two lines of verse six so that both lines don't end with practically the same word.
A46395912 - Five Black Lines
Keith Miller yes that Keith Miller Posted Mar 18, 2009
Thank you LLWaz and CMC for dropping by and having a read. I'll try and do a rewrite of this in the near future and see if I can rid it of the overly poesy bits.
Cheers Keith
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A46395912 - Five Black Lines
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