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A25762647 - Hello Day
cleverwineo Started conversation Aug 11, 2007
Entry: Hello Day - A25762647
Author: cleverwineo - U9340671
A poem about me dealing with alcholism. Open to interpritation so please comment
Many thanks Harry
A25762647 - Hello Day
sinnerman pfank Posted Aug 11, 2007
Whereof one cannot speak thereof one must be silent (Wittgenstein)
S.P.
A25762647 - Hello Day
Dmitri Gheorgheni, Post Editor Posted Aug 11, 2007
I think the emotion is...almost there.
Suggestion: clean up the rhythm of the last verse, and make the meaning just a tad clearer.
Or take a different tack: build a tighter rhythm, and then the colours will pop out at the reader and tell their own story.
A25762647 - Hello Day
minorvogonpoet Posted Aug 13, 2007
I found the last stanza quite powerful.
But I'm not sure about the opening couple of lines. Maybe if we could see more of the person who may never see the day again at the end?
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A25762647 - Hello Day
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