h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Ripples in the eye - A2390636
Author: dancingBuddha - U238893

poetic experiment, loosely based on ancient tamil rhythm and metre. as always, arising out personal experiences

I like that. It has a good strong rhythm but it doesn't carry you past the images too fast, rather measured. I know nothing at all about the form but I got a good sense of it being 'in a tradition'. Still very individual and expressive though (I think that's too easily lost when drawing on a traditional element to form part of the structure). I particularly liked the broken/split line in the penultimate stanza. That touch more emphasis really works there.

The double meaning on 'broken wind' is a little unfortunate and I wondered if the last line was quite right. I'll or we'll seemed more fitting than 'will'. I don't think the date is needed at the top, actually I'm not sure it's needed at all, but at the bottom would be less intrusive.


N

Good heavens! "Broken winds!!!" By Toutatis and Ipis!

Why do you always have to look at the non-intuitive interpretations (well, non-intuitive to me)! But you ARE good at it - i never even noticed that "broken winds" actually is a common phrase with vastly different semantics... . Are you a professional editor by any chance? If so that explains the delicate way with which you introduced "the double meaning...is unfortunate". "Unfortunate" indeed!

But i HAVE fixed it lol

Hmmm... seems i have a lot to learn about writing - perhaps i should just read what i write more carefully! (I am not a lit. major, or a lit. anything, which might explain the solecisms...)

Oh, and the last line was constructed to be intentionally incomplete... don't know why, though... i think i'll leave it untouched, unedited (except for "broken winds -> shivered winds", which is really closer to my real imagery) - it somehow seems to be more beautiful with cracks and blemishes, especially when i know it says so little of what i want it so say.

I really see myself more as an artist than a craftsman, so i really don't polish my pieces much, unless i want to clear up some "unfortunate" mistakes

-- db

No, I'm not an editor but I have been on the receiving end of many years of writing workshops at uni and the habits of critical thought do rub off after a while. I read first as a reader and second as a critic though. I don't see that last line as a flaw by the way, it was just something I wasn't sure of my reading of. An ambiguous last line can be a very powerful thing. I like 'shivered winds' somehow much more evocative than shivering would be.

I think that it probably says more as well as less than you wanted, but that's what happens with strongly intuitive writing and it's no bad thing.

N

I agree. Good rhythm... Good imagery.

Not much else to say, except that it was a very fun piece to hear myself say in my head.