h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: EAST LANSING: Land of spoiled white detroit suburbs children and drinking and boring idiocy. - A2159381
Author: sonimhta - U551438

East Lansing Michigan Viewed through the eyes of a salad eating opinionator drenched in sarcasm.

I think I know all I want to about East Lansing now .

As for yelling, I prefer a really good yell, into a howling wind, from the top of a sand dune or a hill. Seldom have the nerve to do it though .

The ecstacy of the yell, I find, is in exciting that nerve to the point of the hysterical destruction of self-consciousness. Like suddenly taking off all of one's clothes but feeling powerful insted of vulnerable. (of course, I could just be spouting nonsense).

At first I clicked on this entry to disagree with the title, because I thought you were saying that Lansing was like a suburb of Detroit. Then I was going to start suggesting minor ways to spruce up this entry so it could slip into the UnderGuide. But then I read this:

"(east Lansing cops are NOT nice, I repeat, eat at taco bell)"

and I don't know what it means exactly, but I laughed my ass off. My ass is now on the floor next to the garbage can. An excellent rant. I think the UnderGuide should add a "rant" category to its archive classification system and make this the first one in that category.

For any UG Miners reading this, my argument is that "the rant" has a sort of literary style. With haiku, the subject matter and pattern of syllables define the format. With rants, you throw out all rules and logic and anything that gets in the way of being angry and/or funny. Minor lapses in grammar or pacing or transition only work to prove how angry the author was.

sonimhta, do you think East Lansing will follow in the footsteps of East Detroit and change its name to disassociate itself from the bigger city? "Eastpointe" is already taken, but I suppose Lansing is not something they want to disassociate with, at least not like Detroit is. Maybe East Lansing could change its name to "The Real, Original Lansing" or "Even More Lansing Than That Other One."

Well,
Firstly, I thank you for your comments on my... "piece." They were encourageing. About East Lansing changing its name... well... it is a little more fun than being in a graveyard because of the neat drink stores popping up all over (like corporate pimples), but... Lansing is much less fun than a graveyard. In fact... it's so dead, that if any normal idiot was trying to lie about it and say "WOW, this city is a FUN pLACE!" Then they would have to talk about watching drunk people stumble heedlessly through traffic... because that's about as entertaining as the area around the capitol building gets... and the rest is full of drugs and bad neighborhoods (though oldtown is occasionally fun). So I think East Lansing would be putting its best foot forward if it took the word lansing out alltogether and replaced it with the words "Nazi Gardens," because it would draw more tourists.
Peace

I think I was in Oldtown a few weeks ago when I went to Elderly Instruments. That section looks mildly interesting, but cruising around the capitol, there doesn't seem to be a lot to see or do. No, wait, we bought a ten pound sack of potatoes for 99 cents! That was exciting.

Isn't there some tiny oasis of fun in the middle of that crap that you could seek out and write about? Isn't there some tourist trap or Drunk Punk Yarn Museum or something for people to visit that would temporarily help them forget about living in Nazi Gardens East?

At least Lansing doesn't have a giant friggin Tony The Tiger welcoming you to "Cereal City, USA" like Battle Creek does. (Have breakfast with Tony the Tiger for only $11-$14!!!)

Oh my word. That sounds terrible.

I come from a hideous little town but I escaped...to the valleys of Wales.

Fryingpan. Fire.
Speckly

Well, there is my friends apartment which I can get drunk at for free, but wait- that doesn't count.. because it's drinking. AH HA!!!! One good thing. Way down grand river (after it turns into Oakland and after it turns into Saginaw after that) there's a Frisbee Golf course (wonderful game). And if you want to you can smoke pot in the woods (hippies frequent this place). There's a store, "In Flight," (in East Nazi Gardens) where frisbee golf disc can be purchased along with marijuana related items (bob marley posters, mushroom candles, hot topic t-shirts). Also, FBC, an independant CD store also in East Nazi Gardens that is quite wonderful. That's it though (unless one enjoys greasy food).
ta

Is this a valley in honor and memory of the fallen whale that was once a missile heading for the spaceship: HEART OF GOLD?
If so, I would like to bring some flowers (though not potted and not petunias).

beatles

MAGNIFICENT! Absorbing, exhilarating. I've never thought of yelling things randomly, but next time I'm stuck for someting to do in a godawful place, I shall be doing just that.

This is a great read.

Fatty

Hello sonimhta.

This has been noticed in the AWW and I'd like to use it for an issue of the CAC-Continuum, which is an effort to promote pieces like yours. You can see the issue in progress at A2201897

If you have some objections, holler at me and I'll try to resolve them.

I think everyone was agreed on how much fun this is to read but the quality of writing isn't up to UG standards, the author has elvised and it's been CACed.

Suggesting a move.
N

Seconded

Being years after I've written it, I now believe that enought time has passed that I could edit it. If anyone is interested in that idea. Otherwise, I'll be doing other things.

Welcome back! We'd assummed you had packed up shop and headed for greener pastures some time ago so it's nice to see you return as a contributer to the AWW and one worth reading as well .

As to this story, editing would only strenghten the piece and get you back into the swing of things as well (That was a subtle hint to write more by the way ). So the answer is yes, we're interested, have at a spot of refining and as to the other things you'll be doing I certainly hope they include more contributions. Glad to have you back .

Spynxxx