h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: I awoke - A1929891
Author: Spike - U247122

This probably needs some mor work but I needed to get it out there so to speak!!

There's an immense amount of potential in this Spike.. particually liked the sting in the tale/tail (whichever). Did you know that you can do "Shaped" poems? (well, that is to say, you can do anything you like in pomes, but you know what I mean..!) erm... say this is the pome

Line One (Three syllables)
Line Two (Five syllables
" 3 7 "
and so on.



See? In that one, you get a triangle shape.

It'd be great fun if you could get your words the shape of a woman - hour glass, or whatever, for this pome. Tho not at the cost of the subject matter. That comes first, all else is just vanity and being smart.
I find them absolute perishers to do, but a fun academic exercise.

Have a whizzle along to my page and scroll into the Post. I@ve actually written my first love poem. I don't normally do happy - but now I sifted thru all the childhood rubbish, and the last 40 (very) odd years, the pen decided to go for cheerful for a change.
Opinion, please? Only if you've time, of course.

Thanks (as always) for the feedback, it means so much to get someone esles opinion. On which subject I will of course leap over to your page and have a good root around among your pomes!!

I get your drift about the "shaped" poems.. Mrs Metcalfe's poetry lessons coming flooding back to me now!!

See you in a bit!



Spike

Hi Spike. First lemme thank you for tossing in all of these poems into the AWW... they've been fun and interesting to read.

Lemme also say I'm horrible at commenting on poetry. I usually like reading it - I'm afraid of commenting on it. But one thing in this piece bothered me - line four I think. "Whilst I wandered nomadic" doesn't work for me

Anyway, nice stuff I hope you continue sending us more to write

Yes, I can see your point of view. Do you think it upsets the rythm too much, or is it something else? I know what I think but I'd appreciate your opinion.


Spike

Hmm. I found it distracting, because of the strange way you used the word. In any non-poetry form, you'd say 'whilst I wondered around nomadic'. I guess it's just a grammar thing for me, but it disrupted me while I was reading it

'Whilst I wandered nomadic' is an interesting phrase and I suppose it could read as being gramatically 'wrong'. I don't think it actually is though. Consider if it were written out as a sentence:

You stayed inside me all day whilst I wandered, nomadic, through the day to day tasks.

Nothing wrong with that at all, except maybe 'the' being surpurfluous. But I don't have a problem with the line anyway. Poetry is often about shaving away all unecessary words, it can also be about defamiliarising familiar words and phrases. And the meaning was quite clear to me.

I do have a problem with the poem though. Erratic punctuation. I'd say punctuate properly or not at all, but that might be a bit harsh! Also have you considered not using capitals at the starts of lines? just using them where a sentance starts?

What thinks lizardy? I know you have opinions about punctuation and poetry.

Umm, yes. I always found most punctuation unneccesary, but I was never a good poet. So I don't really think that's a guidline I can defend.

But you do have a case of erratic punctuation. You've got three commas and one exclaimation mark at line breaks, and nothing else. Punctuation is one fo your tools, you can use it or not, and how you do is up to you. I just felt that you were punctuating out of habit, perhaps.

I like it very much, though I think it needs some work.

I love the first stanza, it's very good. Really leads you in to the poem. And, like it all, it has a wonderful, um, atmosphere. Heady and whimsical. You do so well at conveying the daydream state.

I really liked 'Whilst I wandered nomadic', one of my favourite lines. For mr, it was a beautiful construction, very attractive both to hear and to look at. I had no problem with the meaning of the line either.

The last stanza has three lovely line to start, but I felt the last two, the'punchline', could be worked on a little. But it's a great ending, very unexpected, at least by me.

I like that each stanza is a complete sentence, or thought or piece of information to the reader. They're like nice little snapshots of this feeling. Maybe, then, a full stop (period)at the end of each would be good? I don't know.

What think you, those who have eyes?

Fatty

What think you on the line break as punctuation then? And indeed as anti-punctution? I ask because I think the line breaks in this one are already acting as punctuation, I suppose I noticed it because the positioning of line breaks makes those commas in the last stanza stand out. I didn't need the commas because the line breaks had already gotten me pausing at the line ends.

It's a pity Spike isn't around this week, but I don't see that as any reason why we can't natter on about his work.

Yeah, that's true. I mean, I find that line breaks do that mostly in poetry. Punctuation is a bit of a stumbling block for the eye, but that's just my opinion, and I know I'm not knowledgeable about poetry.

But yes to the line breaks, and hope Spike enjoys!

Fatty

I hadn't thought of the stanzas being like isolated units of information. I like the idea though. Islands, each one an idea or image, it changes my perception of the poem.

Don't like the idea of a full stop at the end of each stanza though. They aren't, gramatically, single sentances. I think a single full stop would be misleading. I'd rather no punctuation at all. I really think the line breaks are doing all the work that needs doing.

Just a suggestion. And I don't think it neccesarily matters that they're not grammatically sentences. Surely one can do what one pleases when writing? At least, one can TRY what one pleases. And it was just linking it back to the punctuation thing. Just see how it goes. And anyway, it's not up to you, so ner

Fatty

Not up to you either so ner ner !

Writers should be fearless in what they are willing to try. A great deal of it won't work but that's no reason not to attempt it.

I have the strongest sense of duja vu. How odd.

Anyway...What do you think about: 'Mysterious feelings going on/Feelings I knew not until now'

I would rather something more evocative in place of going on. There's something about those lines that disagrees with me, besides 'going on', that is. Can't put my finger on it though.

Yes, it is somewhat mundane in this context. I think that's what may be stopping me really loving the whole poem, that esp. in 2nd and 3rd stanzas that seem to not have been worked on or thought through as much as the opening and closing.
But, see, the thing is that I don't have any suggestions, and I don't want to seem rude, just saying 'I don't like this, sort it out', d'you know what I mean?

Especially 'cos Spike's not here right now, and I think he's a damn fine writer.

Fatty

Yes, I think Mrs Metcalfe did a terribly good job all those years ago.

We don't need to make suggestions on what Spike should be doing. For many authors it is specific suggestions that are insulting. I suppose I'm like that a bit. I don't mind being told 'don't do that' but I'm not fussed on people saying 'do this'. Pointing out something that you see as a weakness is fine. Spike can ignore you, you know, and he seems very open to discussing his work calmly and without artistic drama.