h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Keystrokes - A1340588
Author: Spike - U247122

Poem inspired by all this "electric" dating/flirting...draw your own conclusions.

I think this has got a lot of potential. I especially like the rhythm in it, very metronomic like the sound of a train.

I am not sure about the last 2 verses though, it just left me with a sense of incompleteness about the piece. Almost like it jumped tracks a bit too soon. (Sorry this is quite vague but I cannot think of the exact words I mean)

I think I see what the kilted one means. The ending is irresolute with new information being introduced just as it's wrapping up. He's right also that the rhythm works well and isn't obvious or twee.

It works as a snapshot, the scene is well evoked but it left me wanting to know a bit more. Of course leaving the reader wanting more can be a good thing, as when there are questions left unanswered, but this was more of a niggly don't know enough type of wanting more.

I think the first four stanzas are very good. It's the last three that I think need work.

Keep up the good work, you've impressed me again.

Hi Spike and co,

I'm not too good with poetry, but it's always good to see other people sharing their thoughts in an original way.

I'm assuming that you're keen for feedback, so here's what i've got to say, (oh, and here, take a , to go with it )

It's funny, if it weren't for the title, and your post #1, I don't think i'd have got much idea that this was essentially about 'electronic chat'. Praps that's just me. But it seemed more just about a kind of 'pre-relationship' feeling, or pre 'having your love requited' feeling, where you don't know whether to believe in it or not, how things will turn out.

I don't know about the rhythm; I think it works better in some places than others. Particularly in

'Within a few keystrokes
You have entered my mind
Entered.Taken over,
Whilst I try to unwind'

That third line reads oddly to me. Again, could just be me.

Anyway, welcome to the AWW, I did actually read another poem of yours, Domestic. Didn't comment immediately. may do some time.

cya
spiff

I thought it was very clear that it was specifically about an internet involvement. The title alone...

But I don't see that it's necessary to know that to get the idea of what is going on. As you said, you get the idea of the pre-relationship stage that the character is in and that's probably the important thing.

Thanks for all the feedback peeps. It is ALL muchly appreciated. I do seem to tail off at the end of poems...I cant work out if it is to do with not knowing how to end properly, or if its the rush of wanting to get my thoughts down and not knowing where/when to stop myself rambling..... or if i just need to concentrate more!!!

I'll work at it.. and one more question.....IS the "intro" type thing I did for this acceptable/required/encouraged?? or none of the above???

Thanks again....Never written naything before I came on here and I am fiding it great fun and theraputic in an odd sort of way..



Spike

intro...perfectly acceptable. Some put extra information some don't it's down to personal preference and of course whether you want to give additonal info and perhaps direct comments in a particular direction.

Just to be awkward, I think the way the ending tails of in this case works rather well.

As if the poem is a fade in-fade out of someone (on a train) 's thoughts. We focus in on a brief view of a man's thoughts as he thinks of a girl, and then we drift out.


Why did i prefer 'man' for the male protagonist, and 'girl' for the female interest?

Ummmm, it may be something to do with assumption that the author (IE MEEE LOL) is male writing from my perspective. Also I have used "blonde and pretty" which would tend to lend itself more to female than male....but then again each to his/her own.

Thanks again for all your thoughts.

Spike