h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Weight Watchers part two. What was Bridget Jones complaining about? - A998904
Author: useless hound - U214221

take care
boots

The opening line is in third person, which is fine, as it acts as a brief intro to settle the reader into the piece, but I'd like to see a bit of white (or blue, whatever.) space before the leap into first pearson, perhaps ellipses then skip a line:

'Miss Hippo is a week into Weight Watchers and her 'coincidental' forty days of alcohol abstinence...

Thought for the day. Not only do I hate Lent but am rapidly going off Bridget Jones.'

Bringing up Bridget Jones here is risky, there is a danger of giving the reader the wrong cue. Personally I like the idea and I think it can work (subtle misdirection tickles me), but I don't think you've quite pulled it off. A bit of a fillet needed as that paragraph gets muddy toward the end. I would cut the last bit and splice that womdeful funny directly onto the end of it instead:

'the woman had it made[...]I only hope that when she eventually caught her man, she had three children in indecently quick succession and all were delivered with forceps.'

I think that would make it smoother. (insert usual 'that's just my opinion feel free to ignore me' disclaimer here)

'Not that WW is getting to me[...]to the playground.'

I like this paragraph, not a thing wrong with it, well observed, cleverly phrased and funny.

'8.30 am Rudely awoken[...]this whole ghastly saga).'

I like the continuity between the first and second piece with her bitching about ringtones again. I also generally like the asides and the cutting descriptions that introduce new characters and remind us of familiar ones. This isn't the sharpest of them, but there's nothing wrong with it either, it's functional and amusing.

''I've had a letter!' she squeals[...]I'll see you later'.'

This whole conversation is precious. The speech and mental asides are very well balanced. I would like to see some of the brackets removed, they aren't always necessary.

Lines in that particular section that I really like:

'four pounds sweaty fifty in hand'
''No one starts a letter with "Oh no".''
'Thank you Lord, someone else suffers Victor Meldrew moments'

I'm going for a break (still in work) will continue in a mo. If you'd rather I didn't continue with the blow by blow tell me so. (bloody words rhyming on me.)

No Speckly fish appreciate it all. Have no handle on grammar (hoped that was what publishers/eds did. Chuffed asa puffer snake that you liked the bits I too liked best....we can join the oddball gang . Please continue if you have the strength, it really does matter to me and I am too old and miserable to be ego bound!
take care and many thanks for galactic guru..ing.
boots

I haven't found part one yet.

It wasn't clear to me what the article was about yet, and I hadn't read Bridget Jones, so it threw me off your track, too.

This is quite long. I would have found it easier to read if you had divided it into chapters, or even small chunks separated by lines or asterisks or something.

Oh goody, I do enjoy this and I didn't really want to steamroller on before I was sure I wasn't causing great offence.

As for grammar, not my strong suit either, but I'm sure lizardy will cover that bit for you tomorrow. She's a dab hand, tidies my stuff up no end. But I don't think you need as much help with that as you seem to think, all the pieces I've read so far have scanned OK.

****

'Archie is Angel's eldest son[...]This is becoming obsessive...work calls.'

Should that first Angel be an Angela? Wasn't sure and I only really noticed it because I happened to be starting with that sentance!

I have to admit to not being fussed on the eastenderd similie, linguistically I found it a klunky sentance and I think the idea of Angela's displeasure could have been better expressed. But that could all be because I don't really like Eastenders, so the range of associations I have for that similie are limited.

'desperate to become offsprung' more than made up for the Eastenders thing for me. I love private languages and the way you consistantly use personalised phrases throughout the set is wonderful. It's very inclusive and very confusing for the new reader. (I'll expand on that when I come to overview the lot.) I am particularly fond of offspring/offsprung and (I think) sprungfrom.

I liked 'torturous gap', 'would need a Sherpa' and 'gently suggested'. wonderfully understated that last one (I do irony) 'Gapee' is another good bit of personalised vocabulary.

'Running seriously late... briefly flirt with the idea of standing on the bathroom scales. It is almost a week, surely something has shifted even if it is only water. S**t threw them away last Christmas when they lied...hey ho.' - couldn't resist quoting that wholesale. Wonderful wonderful writing. The dry understated wit of the first two sentances is perfectly capped by the outrageous 'threw them away[...]when they lied' line, then the hey ho as well, as though that's a perfectly normal thing to do and not the act of a diet crazed lunatic! so. very. funny. When I read that, earlier in work, I almost hurt myself trying not to laugh.

I liked 'floaty floaty type', nicely evocative. I wasn't so sure about referancing the 'rejection slip thud' I've read quite a bit more of them, so it made sense to me, but there aren't many more referances to the trials of literary rejection in the WW set, and no big ones that I can think of offhand. If you want them to be able to stand alone, it would be better to takt that out. For this group as a standalone that comment is really just word clutter. Different case entirely in the wider context of your collected literary musings of course. Without knowing what you intend for the set and your writing generally I couldn't rightly say if I think the line should be there.

Good irrascible tone through the whole paragraph, well sustained too. I particularly liked 'Hold on is that a cheekbone? No yesterday's mascara casting a dirty shadow', another line that made me chortle.

I'm undecided about 'this is becoming obsessive'. I generally dislike it when a piece of writing is telling me something that I already know. I would prefer that a writer make me work than assume that I can't see something for myself. And I don't feel that I need to be told that she's obsessed. That's implicit in every line of the set. BUT I don't think that's all you are doing with that line. Wryness and irony are given a lot of space in your work and this has the flavour of that to it. So, not sure at all about that, but it doesn't really matter, it is a very minor point and nothing to worry over, I'm just being obsessive.

****

'10.30 am. Up to my armpits in compost[...]'Thank you darling...Byeeee''

That first sentance is another lovely one, three pieces of information welded together, perfectly controlled, and subtle with it. At this point I don't feel it's necessary but I'll say it anyway, it's funny too.

Then a nice flurry of panic in thought, carried through to the speech, which is particularly well done. I could maybe do without 'too long and wollowing' on the end of that line, but I suspect that is a matter of my tastes rather than a fault in your writing.

Following that another paragraph packed with funny! 'embark on the menopausal red route', is a fabulous euphamism and funny and linguistically economical. 'send any female travelling on the mid life bus into orbit' is just as good. I also like the link between them with 'embark/route' and 'travelling/bus' turning them into an extended metaphor(sp).

The little rant is wonderful, 'I am Basil Fawlty. Sybil waits patiently for my response.' is even better.

The conversation ticks along nicely, the dughter's voice is distinctive and well developed, better than some of the other characters who can be wooden in places. (another point I'll get to in overview mode.)

'Did you book my ticket by the way' ends one line and 'What do you want by the way?' ends the one after next. The repetition is a little close togeter, I'd vary one of those endings.

'I want my babies round me. I want to be as symbiotic as Angela is.' a poignant line, all the more effective because it's one of the few moments where your narrator's armour slips. I liked the referance back as well. Woe betide the sloppy reader. Underscored too by the next line and her irritation with herself when she fails to express that rather deep sentiment, a line that also breaks that brief mood change before it has the chance to get sentimental. Did I mention how much I like the subtlety of this?

'I am not stressed...think beautiful thoughts...think karma... Ohmmmmm...it's no use I was only ever a weekend hippy' another very funny line.

"'For mother's day... I'd like a sunbed.' At least the fat will look brown and unlike some I can't afford a holiday... Don't say it...you're the one with a problem not her. '" Some speech marks seem to have gone astray.

'Don't I know it? [...]ceramic chicken along.' Again, poignant but I'm not sure it should be there. Being longer it is more disruptive to pace and flow. And it's just a bit too out of kilter with the rest of the voice for my liking.

'4.30 PM Three and a half hours to weigh in. [...] brawling (rabbit food and beans) fed'.' Liked the listing, particularly the second (four senacots!) but '(I am Bridget Jones' mother)' doesn't marry well with the Taming of the Shrew referance. I'm not fussed with the Shakey quote, struck me as artful and self conscious. The Bridget Jones bit is also oddly discordant with the B.J. diatribe which opened the piece.

****

Tired now, will finish this one up tomorrow and start with the general feedback.

Oh wow! Thanks chaps. I have to work now and after last night's birthday party (offsprung's not mine) head not in best state.
Thanks a mill for all of this will have a good chew over later. On speed reading it is most helpful lots of good points.
Thanks and take care
boots

Many happy wishes for the offsprung puppy and for the hangover.

****

''Diddlelum'. Can't decide'[...]'and not a sweaty sock in sight.'

'Saddam Sally' - very funny, as is 'I haven't got time to fart on a Saturday' Overall that paragraph is a good quick intro to the resident's association thing, a good idea to seed the issue and this is probably the best place for it, wouldn't fit in with the next installment and part one would have been too early. I wouldn't lose this bit, but I think this instellment more than any of the others could do with a declutter. There are a lot of different problems and plots introduced, the gapee, mother's day, housing association and the centrl WW plot makes this piece cluttered. You have pulled it off, I think, but only just and only because it's all held together with the device of phone conversations and text messages which provides a unity that would otherwise be sorely lacking.

I think you could stand to lose one of the elements, perhaps just move a chunk to another piece. The Gapee thing would seem to be the most disconected and dispensible, though it does leed into the daughter conversation, which I don't think you should sacrifice, but you could construct a Mother's day link into that instead. I'm not at all sure though. You wrght with such a tight fluid style that it can be hard to see how one element could be unpicked without unraveling too much of it.

'Well I wouldn't have done'[...]'straight out of Camelot'
a bit of a problem sentance, you have the rare nack of controlling and timing run on sentances, but this one feels as though it got away from you somewhat. The problem is, I think, that there are too many layered referances. I like the paragraph and the following one though, you do very well with mental digressions and this is a good one. 'starry velvet flares' .

The explanation of the housing 'issue' and the plan of action is concise, sketching in enough detail without going into so much that it gets dull or turns into an info dump. Well done. Another great line too: 'I hate being fat and I'm not even fond of old people'

I found the paragraph starting 'Daren't even tell the offsprung.' a bit slow, and the back referances, to dieting and nail files, felt a bit forced. But not so much that it bothered me on the first read and this is a very close reading so bear in mind that the tiniest flaws and peculiarities are likely to get magnified out of proportion.

****

'7.30 PM. Angela is worried.'[...]'to the pub.'

Back on topic with flare and your usual linguistic economy. The queuing and food talk is absurd and well observed, very funny.

'Trevor hasn't lost an ounce. Good man Trevor!' another line that I love. And identifying people by their absurdities is a fabulous idea, and fabulously executed. I like that the narrator's voice is so clear and revealling in this section. The reaction to the 6 pounds lost is wonderful. I especially liked 'Rock on rabbit food!' and 'well perhaps not you Trevor.'

'She's turning into my daughter. Everyone is my daughter. Why can't I be my daughter?' another great line, the increasingly frantic tone which ends, as so often this narrator does, at utter absurdity in well delivered.

The last few lines are understated and sparse and all the funnier for that.

****

Many many thanks for a great read. I hope the nitpicks help you to clarify where you're going right and where you can improve on this level.

Overview and grammar to follow.

Oh Speckly you are a dream come true! Don't suppose you fancy doing a proper edit job on it? Naw you've no doubt got enough of your own stuff lined up. 'Don't be so lazy boots...it's your drivel, put the drawers back tidily yourself!' But if you did fancy it? We could perhaps work on taking it to another rejection slip?
Everything you have said makes seriously good literary sense. I am jusy bone idle, which is why I shall probably never get published. I hate rewrites, and that is not an ego thing, just pure laziness. Also I think I lose the plot on rewrites, the voice gets buried under the burdon of correctness and the drivel becomes banal in my attempt to be proper. The only stuff I have ever had produced was radio plays and that needed a firm editor but I was more than happy playing that game!

I am going to print this lot off and digest after 'enders on sunday. It's like being back at school again only this time I want to be there.
Thanks again
take care
boots

You are very very welcome, it is a pleasure.

I fear I have no experience at editing anyone's work but my own and I wouldn't trust me to do a good job on it. But I will help in any way I can and criticism I can do! So don't get the red editor's pen out yet because we're not done.

I will do a blow by blow for the other four in this set, but not today. It's time consuming (fun though) so I'll do more of that in work tomorrow.

I'm going to start on some more general points...characterisation, overall structure and some of those points I pegged to elaborate on, then I'll hand over to lizardy (who'll probably be a bit tipsy and erratic by then so expect lavish compliments and much rambling) for grammar and her opinions.

I'd like you to have a think about what you want these to be. They work well together and function almost as well seperately. But I'd like to have a better idea of what market you're aiming at.

Sound OK?

Red pen back in pencil case. Thanks and greatly appreciate time and effort.
Not a clue to answer your question. They were merely penned for the post (I still think the only really good one I have ever written is 'The Birth', hidden in 'my archives').

My only feeble success has been in radio and my only professional critique suggests I should concentrate on dialogue. I 'think' it could develop as a radio sitcom but I would like to keep the background voice in, which could be tricky but at least different. Well maybe not even diffeent, 'Sex in the City' uses it but it is a very different voice.
The characters are currently composites, it would be too wordy any other way, and I am working on trying to pick out and explore the two that have the best dynamics in order to zap off (ha ha) a thirty minute two hander for the competition that closes at the end of the month in the beeb writers site. I doubt if I will make it but the discipline will be good. It's difficult. I love Angela but spark better off Baleesha and Patrick (they feature more in the lonely florist trilogy). I thought I might try and merge those two characters but I'm not sure...any opinions gratefully received.
take care
boots (who is so impressed with fan using name in personal space!)