h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Textbook Chaos - A60454848
Author: Textbook Chaos - U14240159

a poem about organised chaos

I think the opening image of this poem is very strong. It reminds me of people falling from the heights of the World Trade Centre on 9/11.

I also like the line 'the belly of a lie must burst'.

The poem conveys anger, though it's not very clear who it's drected against- bankers, perhaps, or the capitalist system .

The problem is that it's difficult in poetry to convey abstracts like 'truth' successfully. It's usually better, in my opinion, to stick to clear, concrete images and let these do your arguing.
So, I don't think the last stanza really works as it stands.

thank you for you're constructive critisism, its pretty awesome that people on h2g2 take the time to help people and once i get to grips with this place i'll hopefully be able to help too. it was just some thoughts while i was sitting at work reading about Obama sending 30,000 more troops into Afghanistan and yes also alluding to the fear that was created by 9/11 and the way the media can make villians, heroes, and lies which are freely absorbed by the public without question.

I don't quite agree that all good poetry is purely concrete. Sometimes this kind of thing can work.

But it's hard to do well.

>>for on the wings of wealth our tyrants fly <<

This line does not work. Why? The image is good. It is strong. But you changed the word order to something 'poetic'. Don't.

The other sentences were in 'natural language'. Keep this one the same way, so the image will jump out at the reader.

Try to make the images more vivid. Try to keep from using any 'poetic'-type word order or phrasing. (Try saying 'money' instead of 'wealth'.)

Then tone down the preaching - leave a hole in there for the reader to fill in. (The reader will do this, and feel gosh-darn clever, and sell himself/herself on your thesis.)

I really liked the business about denting the concrete. You are right - that's how some of us feel. And it's high time somebody said so. Polish this up, and you just did.

hmmm, yes i do see your point when you say that i should try and ignore any poetic structure, as you probably know yourself it is sometimes easy to fall into the trap of trying too hard to make words
fit.

avoiding the habit is quite hard.

However I do have to disagree when you advised me that it should be

"on the wing's of money our tyrants fly high above the chaos"

"wings of wealth" flows so much better in my opinion

thank you and i look forward to reading your poetry as soon as work gets quiet again

'Wings of wealth' might work, but the inverted phrase won't, I don't think....*thinking*....

I'd maybe say something like:

The tyrant soars above the chaos
His private wings are fueled by cash

Just a thought. I only meant to suggest the phrases could be played with.

I'll be interested in seeing how this develops. The central idea is a keeper.