h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

http://youtu.be/EiII5W4Qmwg

You do, but h2g2 finally dies not long after, and all the information is lost.

I wish I was a house cat.

You are. Unfortunately, the humans prefer the house dog, and you spend a lot of your time being shoes from one draughty outdoor corner to another.

I wish that I could come up with something both interesting and clean (for the sake of the 'guidelines') for today's NaJ entry.

"shooed", not "shoes"!

You do. It's swallowed up by the void of the internet and never seen again.


I wish I had a fireplace and a cord of wood.

Well, you've got a fireplace right enough, but somebody seems to have spent half a lifetime reducing your cord measurement of wood to a cord made of woodfibre. It'll still burn though.

I wish for another pair of hands.

Attached to the ends of your legs? How interesting.... Must take a lot of effort, learning how to walk with those.


I wish there were some Zions Banks around Pasadena.

Aaah!

But the autocorrect feature on the automated switching system miscorrected "Zions" to 'scions' and instead you were delivered a bundle of green sticks suitable for grafting on to suitable roots stocks, if you'd had any in hand.

I wish I'd get things I wish for in a more timely manner, while I still want or need them.

You do, but you must pay the cost IN BLOOD!!



I wish I knew ahead of time whether my plan will work or not.

Is there any doubt?

Sometimes one wishes for the moral equivalent of a team of sheep dogs to keep a plan on course.




I wish I had the kind of money I really need.

(Yes, apparently there's a lot of doubt. )





You're transported back to Ancient Rome. The kind of money you really need is the denarius. Fortunately you have great enormous chests full of them. Unfortunately, with no capacity to speak the language, you can't do a whole lot with it. And you'll have to live the rest of your life without TV, or internet, or any of a thousand other modern amenities. Since you can't read latin either, you're not even able to read any books.


I wish for good fortune to shine its countenance down upon me.


...


...


But if that's too abstract, I wish Alan Rickman were still alive.

Oh well, he's dead.

I wish I knew how to make contact with local Mensans. (Their website is basically non-existent. It does not bode well.)

There's no need - they nknow how to contact you. However their only interest is in using you as a contributor to breeding a master race.

I wish I had four times morefree time and twice as much energy.

You become a puppy. The humans only spend time with you once a day and ignore you at all other times. Compared to your previous existence, life becomes very boring and short.


I wish I could plug my brain into a computer and then download a book straight from my mind and onto the computer's hard drive, instead of writing it out by hand.

Granted!

Your brain can indeed be plugged straight into a computer to transfer the book you're writing, insted of you having to write/type it out by hand.

The trouble is, your body is FUBAR.

I wish my body would stop ganging up on me.

You live in perfect physical health. Alas, the schizophrenia you suffer from makes you believe that you're frail and weak. Despite having the strength of ten men, you still can't even bring yourself to lift a tea cup.



I wish... for... for... a... um...

Oh, I don't know. The extinction of mankind. (Do the planet a favor for once.)

Granted! This game is cancelled until the next up and coming species works out how to use the internet.

I wish for sheer silk stockings which would fit perfectly and never ladder.

I'd corrupt your wish but the game was cancelled.


I wish I had a bag of cookies.

Granted, a whole duffel bag full of cookies for now extinct websites, which have to be laboriously hand coded into the machine, one by one.





I wish I were already done with a minor roof repair job I need to complete against a possibility of rain tomorrow.