h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Evacuees, episode 3 - A39683974
Author: Plotinlaois - U7843825

This is the 3rd episode of the story that began at A39606311.

Still interesting. I like the smells in the story.

In the beginning, you have mentioned the fact that Bill is a landlord twice.

And I think the word 'whilst' should be 'while'.

On another level, I feel a distance to the characters, but I'm not sure as to whether that is a problem. It might just be the disorientation of the wartime experience, which you are describing really well.

Thanks dimitri,
I guess I need to point out that I was present - as the infant in the pram. So I've tried to imagine what it felt like to be my mum in those circumstances. Unfortunately she and I never really spoke much about how she felt, something I regret now she is n longer here! To have you say that I am decribing the wartime experience "really well" is heartening.
Regards,
Frank

These sections are certainly evocative: the smells and pains of country living as well as the beauty.

But there is a lot of scene setting for the amount of action. The second chapter, in particular, would be enlivened by retelling an incident - for example, Ivy struggling back from Hereford with the accumulator.

I feel, as well, that I'm only just beginning to see inside Ivy's head. For the story to really live we need to know how she's feeling and thinking about things.

Hello again MinorVogonpoet.
Your suggestions are welcome. I need to think about how to implement them. Meanwhile Episode 4 is about to be posted!
(I have about 38k words written, covering 2 decades; you may wish to sneak away long before we get that far!)