h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Where Dreams Come True - A16572332
Author: Everafter_Ending - U2730288

~Dreams~

Hola, Ever.

I like how you get used to the rhythem of this, then it changes, then it changes back, like a refrain that's different ever time.

I am now going to pick on your grammar, because that is what I do (and I am one to pick!)

"Is there a place,
Where dreams come true, " - You don't need the comma after the first line

"When people say things
They'll actually do,
A place where dreams
We dream come true?" - Fragment! I find it helpful, to feel for grammar and punctuation, to take my poems out of verse form, into prose, which helps yoou see it a little clearer. What you've got here is two dependant clauses. You need an independant clause, because it doesn't sork for one dependant clause to depend on another dependant clause. This might work better if you either changed the wording or changed the ? in the stanza before to a ,. And "When" doesn't seem like the right word here, because you are talking about a where.

"In a place with no more tears
A place where we were one. " - Fragment again. This whole stanza could just be a sentance, and then you would need a comma between these two clauses.

"Is there a world
I left behind," - You may disagree with me here, but this would be better off as a sentance, though the rest of your punctuation is fine.

"My Heart it tells a story,
I never could believe.
A tale of love and glory,
My Mind could not conceive. " - My Heart, it tells a story (that?) I never could believe - A tale of love and glory, (that?) My Mind could not conceive. - The "that"s aren't totaly necissary, but they would add clarity (for me) and they shouldn't mess with your syllables.

Speaking of syllables, although the poem flows without difficulty, you might want to go through and even out the syllables per line a little more, just to dress it up, you know? I notice in the first longer-lined section, the syllables go 8,7,7,6. I kind of see what you're doing, but if you could make it just 7,7,7,7 it would match better with the next long-lined section. this sort of thing could be done throughout the poem.

All-in-all, I like the poem (although I know you have better ones, I've read a few). It is very pretty. I hate to pick so much, but you do get noticed around here more if you notice things like that. I am very bad at it as well. Also, this poem has a few of the problems that I have with poems I write while fully-concious, which is that the rhymes are heavy and expected. I had (and still have, to an extent) with Bluebird. How much have you read about poetic theories or methods? I have written better poems since I've read up a bit on them, and I know I have a lot mire to read and a lot to improve on. You could maybe try playing around with unusual rhythems or someting. Seriously, just play around and see what you come up with. Look into different types of poems and write one of each kind or make one of your own. Even if you never do anything with them, it's a fun exercise, and I know there are pieces of you that you haven't even touched or explored yet.

Besitos!



P.S. Any critiquing for my story? And what if we tried this - I write a chapter, then you write one and so on? I can try to explain a few things about the world to you, and then you could run with it. Stuff might get better and more complex that way. I know you probably have no time (and neither do I), but we can try it!

Thanks for the critiquing.

I wrote this half asleep at around midnight (quite a while ago), but then I never really got to correcting any errors. I put it on a diffrent sight, and eventually thought I should try it here.

Anyway, I changed the grammer errors, but I think I'm going to leave the "then"s out of the sixth part, not because I don't like it (anyone can add it in if they want), but because the phrase is supposed to show conflict between heart and mind, and I think the "then"s might sound like a transition between the two. I don't really know, I might decide to change it later.

Thanks,


P.S. I'll look into some books about poetic methods. If nothing else, I'm sure they have interesting poems as examples.

P.P.S- (on Your P.S.) That sounds like fun, we could try it. (It would definitly turn out interesting.)