h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Journal of a Russian Gunner - A12776123
Author: miraculousrandomness-I have lost 16/275 lives-join the campaign for real cheese - U3926571

My last/first attempt for peace

PS yet i am a member of the evil army

its based on the charge of the light brigade

I edited it a bit

Hey mr, looks like you've put a lot of work in here. What made you choose this to write about? And what kind of comments do you want?

Don't worry about people not getting that it's the charge of the Light Brigade, by the way. It's clear in what you've written to anyone who knows of it. And if they don't know of it, you've made a good job of putting all the bits of it that are relevant to the point you're making into the piece without writing out a lot of background history. Which is good.

Waz

Your essay portrays the carnage and fear which is the essential heart of any battle.

Thank you mr !

I would just wan t to know hwta could be better.

What made you choose the Charge of the Light Brigade as a setting, mr?

Ok, first up, I’ve spent some time on this because it's obviously been taken trouble with, it’s interesting, it has an immediacy that gets and holds a reader's attention, it has a good length for its purpose, it picks up in pace, it's got an effective opening and ending to it.

It's also a very difficult setting to use because it’s so well known, so much referred to and written about. That’s the biggest hurdle in impressing readers here - it’s very difficult to give anything new to this backdrop.

Typos first, because they’re easiest. I’m assuming you'll want these things correct because the English is correct through most of this and it suits the nature of the piece, and it’s not your normal posting style.

There are three couldnts and two didnts that need apostrophes.
I didnt relise what it was until it was too late -> there’s an ‘a’ missing in there.
the same fate of Igor and that british soldier -> capital ‘B.
It hurted more -> It hurt more.
I felt safe with Igor bedside me -> an unwanted ‘d’ in there.
paralyzed my leg it was unbearable. -> needs punctuation of some sort between leg and it. There are several choices – up to you which you think will read best.
I was shot again this time in the right arm. I knew this was it I was going to have the same fate of Igor -> as above re between ‘again’ and ‘this’ and ‘it’ and ‘I’.

I think there's some other non-standard grammar/punctuation but none that strikes me as 'wrong' in context, so I'm leaving those. It's not my strong point anyway and I like non-standard when it works.

‘Kneeled’ in ‘I kneeled behind the cannon’ I thought was wrong, and ought to be ‘knelt’ but on checking you have the choice. Both are ok. I think ‘knelt’ sounds crisper for an opening sentence, on the other hand perhaps ‘kneeled’ fits the young gunner better.

‘paralyzed’ looks like an American spelling I think. Which is ok, if that’s what's wanted. For some reason I’ve got you down as being in the UK.

More general stuff:
For people not familiar with the battle, it might be worth adding, but very briefly so as not to spoil the pace, an indication of why there was such carnage so quickly. Probably around the third/fourth paragraph.
More of the characters’ feelings could possibly be shown in their dialogue, rather than by telling the reader straight out how they’re feeling. There are maybe a few other places where you could chooses to imply rather than tell.
The picture given to the reader could be added to. Things like sounds, smell, the horses, detailing… But again this needs to be balanced against spoiling the pace and the journal tone of this.
I like all the short sentences and ‘I’s in giving the gunner’s thoughts, and the build up of pace there. This one though, ‘I remember slowly losing any reason to live.’ I’m not sure of – I can imagine him overwhelmed with fear, horror or pain, but I don’t relate that to ‘no reason to live’.
‘crazy, futile wars’ ‘crazy’ jars a little, seeming a bit modern with jazzy overtones, but perhaps that’s just me. I’d go for something with more weight and bite to it, especially in the concluding paragraph.
There are some interesting adjective choices in it. They add to the interest of the entry - some work better than others for me.

You know… that’s enough of my opinions. I’ve said all this because it looks to me as though this is important to you, the message of it (that chips picked up on) is important, and in your place I’d want opinions to get me thinking critically.

Disclaimer: My opinions are just one person's opinions, do your own research as they say on all the investment boards, and speak in your own voice as langsandy said the other day (kind of).

All the best with it, mr .

PS missed a typo: 'I was going to have the same fate of Igor' -> 'as' rather than 'of' reads better.

Wow My grammar is bad!

*goes of to update the entry