h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Sing a song for sixpence,
is cheap labour so they say.
But write for the BBC,
and end up in dismay.

Kippers used to be two bob a pound,
when oor lad found a five pound note.
He thought it was off a toilet roll,
an' stuck it over the 'ole in his boat.

But the watter soaked the note off,
an' it floated across't dam.
Weer a 'errin' swallered the paper note,
complete wi' all that inky spam.

But, "The Bank of England etc,"
was not digested by that wriggling slut.
that turned up on my dinner plate,
as a two faced back stud wi no gut.

They do say fish oil is good medicine,
and cod liver oil I have tried.
Cos when ah wuz young an' 'ansome,
me mam shoved some in me gob, an' ah nearly died.

Thee can scrub this intelligence if'n tha feels like it,
cos then ah will scribe thi no more.
Cos ah hev better things to be goin' on with.
rather than tryin' to even the score.

There are indeed some sad people around today, thank God ah wuz born
85 years ago.

Owd Fred sat upon a lonely hill flicking daisies at the moon,
'e thowt ee were all alone but 'e thowt too chuffin' soon.
A ghostly figure from't mist emerged and bid Owd Fred stand up,
but in so doing he stepped backwards and fell over a buttercup.

Owd Fred's head hit upon a rock that was underneath the sod,
and owd Fred's spirit rose and set off for the throne of God.
They found owd Fred the next morn' an' stiff as a board 'e were,
an' all folk in't village came just to stand around an' stare.

So if yo is visitin' Thornton Abbey an on a cowd an' misty night,
an' ye spot a misty grey spirit floatin' in the cowd pale moonlight.
Don't run home babblin' that yuv just seen a chuffin' ghost,
Cos although owd Fred wuz an ugly sod, app'n 'e's more friendly than most.

*applauds*