h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Note to college bound High School Seniors:
Although your mother may want to send you away with 50 tubes of toothpaste, only take one. People will laugh at you if you stagger into your room with a case of Colgate plus cavity protection. Also, do not bring Colgate plus cavity protection. That is a pansy-ass toothpaste.
Also, your mother will tell you to take toilet paper. Do not do this. Schools are generally very good about stocking bathrooms with such necessities. If you walk into your dorm room with toilet paper people will think you have a serious problem. Besides, dorm rooms are small. You don’t have room for your computer, forget about boxes of toilet paper/toothpaste/canned soup or anything else your mother may insist you take along.
A lot of people bring their books. I did this. I recommend doing this. Just remember that you are going to have plenty of required reading that will be heavy and academic. Leave books like that at home. I brought Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance with me and I promise you it will stay on the shelf until May. The books I’ve been reading? Dave Barry’s Guide to Life, Dancing in my Nuddy-pants and Idlewild. Not exactly what you’d call heavy reading. Also, you should buy a copy of The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: College. It’s full of even more wisdom than me. (Hard to believe, I know. I am very wise, indeed.)
Cafeteria food will suck no matter what school you attend. Remember this. Oh, sure, they pull out the good food on parent’s weekend and when loads of prosbies (pospective students, you stupid high school people) come to visit, but when all the visitors are gone out comes the vegetarian quiche and all the other tofu and zucchini-laden entrees. (REAL LIFE EXAMPLE: The Friday before parent’s weekend, the entrée was “Sordid Chicken.” (That’s what the sign said). It was really good; despite the title, it tasted delicious. There was normal food for a couple days, then on Monday there was “Enraged Pasta” at lunchtime. Of course everyone tried it, because the sordid chicken had been so good, but it was the same horrible undercooked pasta with wa-a-ay too much oregano on it and not enough olive oil. Enraged was what you became after eating it. This is normal in my cafeteria.) So don’t be fooled into thinking the food’s okay if you go on a special weekend. Just accept the fact that you are going to spend four years eating either sucky commons food, or ramen noodles.
You may think you want to spend your time studying, but this is not true. You will spend your time doing pretty much anything but studying. That is why you should bring all of your movies/cds/comic books. If you have any magazine subscriptions you should have them sent to your college mailbox. If you don’t have any magazine subscriptions you should get some, because they are a great way to avoid doing work. Also, you should download msn instant messenger. Then you can talk with all your buddies who are also doing anything but studying. You can while away entire afternoons like this, without actually doing anything at all. And at 11:00 you can go to parties.
* On Parties: Parties are a great way to have fun and relax at school. You can party all weekend if you want to. Just beware of the parties that go on all week. The rule of thumb is that if you can attend a raging frat party on Monday or Tuesday nights, you should think about transferring. Normal partying occurs on Thursday and Friday, with a big party on Saturday, and smaller, scattered parties on Sunday. At any rate, parties should end by 4 a.m.