h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

COLLEGE LIFE
OR
EARLY BREAKFASTS, LATE DINNERS
OR
MY NEARLY NAKED ROOMMATE AND ME

So I’m a college student, living in a dorm, going to seminars and meetings, walking around campus and visiting the bookstore. I’m making friends and floor buddies, meeting people from India, Turkey, Pakistan, London and Guyana and giving everyone directions to the grocery store. (It’s past the bookstore. I don’t know, about six blocks. Yeah, about five minutes on a bike. Yeah, they have chai tea. No, I won’t get you some. It’s a five minute ride! Just go, dude!) Things are pretty great, and I’m sure the tequila parties will stop once classes start on Tuesday. So why am I bothering to write this down? One problem, two words-Naked Roommate.
Naked roommate didn’t start out naked. Oh, no. She started off in clingy cotton shorts and a too big t-shirt. But it wasn’t long before she was prancing around the room in her birthday suit and a pair of nearly see-through cotton panties. The transformation can be clearly seen in this timeline:
SATURDAY, AUGUST 21st.

3:00 p.m.- Roommate Clothed
8:00 p.m.-Parents Depart. Tequila Parties begin down the hall. Boy mistakenly pees in girl’s bathroom, nearly causing a floor-wide riot.
8:01 p.m.- Roommate Naked

Naked Roommate is unlike any person I have observed. The Naked Roommate is always in the room, doing things--naked vaccuming, naked ironing, naked bed-making, naked movie-watching. When she must leave the room, she wears a bathrobe, but when she returns to her habitat, the nakedness resumes.
The most interesting thing about Naked Roommate is her ability to be horrible and rude to girls who wear low-cut shirts and short shorts and skirts. She is critical of how others act and scrutinizes everything the other members of Aldrich Hall say or do. She does this, but, as far as I can tell, she’s the only one running around naked.
I start therapy on Monday to try and better understand my Naked Roommate, though my willingness to speak to counselors stems purely from my desire to move far, far away from the nakedness. Until then, I’ll eat breakfast before she wakes, dinner during her study time and pray I never have to retrieve anything from the room when she’s there.