h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Had a phone call from an old friend
with the news last night
that one of our companions
has disappeared from sight;
driven off the fairway
and vanished in the rough -
he'll never salvage par again
with that magic touch.

Seems ages we've been saying that
we must meet up sometime
for a pint of beer or two
or maybe some red wine,
to talk about the old days
and our retirement plans -
but what's the use of saving when
it all goes down the pan?

If life is an illusion,
why is it so unkind?
This isn't the reunion
that we had in mind.
The funeral is next Thursday -
I hope my suit still fits -
there'll be no massive send-off, tho',
he never did like glitz.

So say a prayer for Steven
and wish his woman well;
he's on his way to Heaven while
we wonder, Is this Hell?
Yes, raise a glass to Steven -
I used to know him well -
and try to keep believin' while
we wander in this Hell.

Say Goodbye to Steven -
they say the good die young,
and seein' is believin', but
believin' ain't much fun.

Tickle,

This moved me deeply - it's always the case when one reads something that hits near to a similar personal experience, but the lines about driving off the fairway and lost in the rough were very poignant. Thanks,
Buffer

Buffer, (or should I call you OB? or Buffy?)

Thanks for your comment. I'm glad you liked that little offering - if 'liked' is the right word.

As a golfer - I used to be (a very bad) one myself - I wonder if you're familiar with these golfing terms, which my correspondent tells me are in use on the US tour.

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker.
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat, but otherwise perfect.
An O. J. Simpson - somehow got away with it.
A Condom - safe, but didn't feel real good.
A Kate Moss - a bit thin.
A Diego Maradonna - a very nasty little five footer.
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read.
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't.
A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water.

Perhaps I should post some of these on the RBQ thread.

Sorry Tickle, I hadn't seen there was a reply.
A few years ago one of my regular golfing buddies (there are about 20 of us) died suddenly - he was just 35. Your poem brought the memory of his happy face, and his cheerful disposion back to my mind.

I'm not too sure how a golf quizzle would go down on RBQ.
As to the terms, I've only come across the ugly 5 footer that nobody likes. Many years ago when I joined the club I'm at now, we had a pro who was just over five feet and not at all popular, as a consequence we still use his name to describe those little testers.
I especially like the 'Rock Hudson' and the 'Adolf Hitler'. They may just get a bit of an airing over the weekend!

Just between you and me, I'm not as bad around the course as I pretend to be, but my handicap has climbed up into double figures recently and shows no sign of changing direction.
And finally... please call me anything you like.

Now who was it said that? 'Call me anything - just call me?' Was it the legendary Mae West I wonder?

That's a very young age at which to exit, OB. But as it says in my latest journal entry, anyone can die at any time. You just never know.
A couple of friends of mine have died recently, rather older than that, but young enough for it to come as a bit of a shock and seem less than fair.

I can recall at least one golf quizzle on RBQ. It was an arithmetic one, based on birdies, eagles and albatrosses.

A handicap that's only just into double figures sounds good to me. If they went upto 100, I might just get into double figures at the top end. But I haven't played for about 15 years and maybe never will again.

I don't know if you're still looking in, OB, but it sounds like you had a few good golfing days last week. I was a bit disappointed that old Tom didn't manage to win, I used to follow golf quite closely in the days of 'the duel in the sun'. Did the newspapers drag out any of the old 'Elementary' headlines, I wonder.

I don't know what odds the bookies were offering on Watson before the tournament began, but I reckon a tenner each way would have returned a good wedge. A tenner on Woods not making the cut would have made a good profit as well, I guess. Shame you didn't tip me off.

It's a bit of a coincidence, but I went round Turnberry last Wednesday. And Carnoustie. Not to mention St Andrews, Lytham and Birkdale. They're street names in the suburbs of Bracknell.

Tickle,
Your question last week (who did I fancy for the open) got me thinking. I never bet on golf tournaments they're too difficult to predict, but I made an exception this year and on Thursday morning I went to the bookies and put £10 EW on Ross Fisher at 40-1. After two holes of the final round I was feeling really good, then things got tough for him.
I think that everyone was hoping that Tom Watson would hold on, but as soon as he had to go to a play off, you could see that he was emotionally drained. God knows how he managed to keep up such a high standard coming down the last few holes - people half his age were falling like ninepins - the stress must be incredible. An amazing performance, but hats off to Cink,he handled the pressure better than the others.

I worked in Bracknell for a year (15 years ago) - lived in Wokingham - and I'm sure that I've seen the roads you mentioned. We used to drink (and play cribbage) at the Victoria Arms just outside Bracknell, can't remember the name of the village, but it was a Fullers pub. They were just opening a new golf course around the back of where I worked. I think that Cable & Wireless occupy the building now, it's the estate that leads up to the ski slope and hotel. Anyway, I have a feeling that I saw Birkdale around there somewhere.

Well, OB, that seems a canny bet to me - shame about that quadruple bogey. I'm afraid that Ross Fisher is a player who hadn't really registered with me before, though I see he came 5th in the US Open. I used to follow golf fairly avidly sometime in the last millennium, but not anymore.

I guess the Vicky Arms in question is the one in Binfield and the new golf course would be Blue Mountain, both of which are in the vicinity of the John Nike centre. I don't know of a Birkdale round there, but that's not to say there isn't one. However, the golf course names to which I alluded are a few miles to the south of Binfield, in the south western suburbs of Bracknell. As you might imagine, there is a golf course in the vicinity, but I don't know the name of it.

Binfield! That's the place. I really used to enjoy evenings spent in there, great atmosphere, good beer, and the landlord at the time was good fun too. Happy days.
I've just dropped a challenge to you on the RBQ boards since you accomplished my last one (I don't think a golf quiz would go down well!) so easily. I have no idea how you will link those three together though.

As to the bet being canny - I lost my money...

Well, yes OB, you lost your money, but at least you had a reasonable run for it. I shall have to keep an eye out for young Fisher. Mind you, one has to be a bit dubious about a man who says he would dash off to be with his wife at childbirth rather than win the Open: happen he's not hungry enough.

I see Tiger won the Buick after trailing by 8 strokes in the first round. Pretty impressive, that.

Not sure if you saw my message 260 on RBQ, referring you to http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Atlantis/3260/wodehouse.html#missed

I think that was a well constructed 'political' answer - I reckon that his mobile 'phone developed a mysterious fault for a couple of days...

As you saw I did see the link, but I can only access external websites (other than this one) from home, so I had to wait. If you hadn't been told that Wodehouse wrote it you could have made a good stab at a guess. I've been chuckling about the (probably mis-remembered) lines:
'Better a driver and a putter,
than a catch that you can butter.'
In spite of his love for the game, PGW preferred to play on his own - just him and a caddy. I read somewhere that he would hit drive after drive, not caring where they went - as long as they went a long way! I've never read anyone who comes close to capturing the internal pain and occasional beauty of the game like he did though.

Yes, I don't think many people other than PGW could have written that. I haven't read any of his stuff for ages, but used to read a lot in my youth. As you imply, he probably came closer than anyone to capturing the infuriating attraction of golf.

Rather quiet on RBQ tonight, what? I bet Mad will be disappointed to have missed a cricket quizzle.

It was a bit annoying that Mathos didn't give us chance to get Alfred Dipper, especially as I don't think it would have taken very long - I was already think along the Alf Garnet line. It only needed a quick googley.

I'll be reading a few lines from his Golf stories tonight as I drink my glass of wine (Medicinal) if only to find the names of some golf clubs.
I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't even know who WG Grace played for - I was thinking 'Middlesex isn't a county!'

Well, I seem to have missed some fun on RBQ tonight. I see you're off to France on the morrow, OB. Have a good time.

We have some friends from France staying with us at the moment (though only one of them is French) and they are taking our two remaining Graces back with them on Saturday. Now, if only I can persuade Mrs Tickle to go and stay with her mother for a week...

Bonnes vacances.

Sorry Tickle how very remiss of me to have missed your posting. It was a fun night, particularly with my final faux pas following RC's comment about a last minute spurt. Ah well.

How did your French visitors enjoy themselves? I suspect you offered them a visit to a Sunday afternoon cricket match accompanied by a couple of cold beers. Now that really is a great way to spend a warm Sunday afternoon.

By the way I've just cracked RC quizzle number 1 is Narghile (or Nargileh) Ha! Ha!

Cheers,

Well done, OB, I'm sure you're right. And no. 4 is water pipe. Do you think they are all alternative names for a hookah?

Only one of our visitors from France was/is French. Some friends of ours, who also have three Graces, moved out to the Loire Valley 13 years ago. They got their timing very badly wrong and the parents separated within about a year, dad returning to England. We usually go there for our summer holiday, but couldn't afford even that this year - although our two younger Graces went back with them. Our visitors comprised mum and current beau (English), the three girls and one fiance (French). We didn't attend any cricket matches or drink much cold beer: they brought a ten litre wine box with them, which was polished off in record time.

As for the last minute spurt, well, you are a bit of a dark horse, aren't you?

I must to bed. Goodnight.

10 litres of wine? You're out of my league!
By the way 2. is Shisha. I'm off home now, so do me a favour tomorrow and rock RC with your answers. I think that they are all alternative names as you say.

Goodnight old chap talk to you soon.

I did have quite a few people helping me to drink that wine, Buffy.

RBQ's in a bit of a state. Obviously, Mad isn't around at present and I suppose it may be a while before he gets back. Sad business, but these things happen. A few others have defected to Sin's new board, although their version of RBQ is floundering without the main brains. You may be thinking that I'm one of the defectors, but the truth is that I'm rather busy at the moment and don't have a lot of time for quizzling. However, as it was you who effectively cracked the last one, can I suggest that you set another quizzle tomorrow evening? I will try and look in if I can, and I daresay RC will respond if/when he notices that the thread is active. Or do you think we should wait until Mad returns?

I'll leave the ball in your court.

Goodnight.

Yes, it's always more fun when other people 'help' you dispose of the wine - providing they don't drink too much.

I think that you're right about the RBQ board, however, I hope that it struggles through - we'll have to wait and see. I've just posted a new quizzle, but I think that it's rather easy and will be torn apart fairly quickly.

I noticed that you said that you had been busy, and as a self employed man, that's really good news, particularly in the current climate.

By the way, I mentioned the wonderful name (the three graces) you use for your daughters on here to my Bride on Friday. She says that you are clearly a man with the heart of a poet, "Funny you should say that..." I replied