h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've been on a steady diet of cigarettes, non-diet soda, M&Ms, 3 hours of sleep and lots of anger for the last few days. That can't be good for you...

I had an appointment to see a therapist a few weeks back. I canceled. (For those who aren't in the "know", I suffer from depression and social anxiety disorder. Which can be a real drag, you know, when you're trying to be, erm, normal. You either sleep all day or freak out and panic about the cheese not being put back in the fridge properly. Perhaps I'll write a guide entry on that...) Anyway, I haven't been able to get my mood in check and I've been firing off about one thing or another. I made a couple of people mad at me in the process. Mental note: When you're TRYING to get your mood in check, don't piss people off... it's 'counterproductive'.

So this is where I'm at. If I go through with it, I'll be put on Buspar and Serzone like I was for years and years and years. I quit taking Buspar and Serzone because I wasn't... me. When you're taking mood stabilizers, antidepressants and seratonin reuptake inhibitors, it feels like you are missing a vital componant of yourself--your personality. Part of me wants to say, "You get worked up about things--that's who you are. Deal." Then another part sees what my moods do to the people around me... Justin, for instance, who is so laid back I have to check his pulse every half hour or so. How he puts up with this I have no idea, but we talked tonight. He wants me to do what's best for me, but doesn't like to see me get so bent out of shape about things. I wonder how he would like me as an emotionless robot...?

The problem now is that I'm not able to control myself. I sent off an awful, AWFUL email to someone I love dearly the other day. That's not like speaking... speaking out of turn is one thing. Putting the time and energy into written, or typed, words is something altogether different, and you would THINK could be much more easily controled. Or at least you could take the time to think about what you were doing. I typed this letter of hate out and fired it off without blinking... or worrying about who would get it. That's not right.

I need to make a decision. Part of me is stupid and thinks if I see the psychiatrist that automatically makes me "crazy". Which it doesn't. For bob's sake, I'm a psychology MAJOR. I know it's not right to think that way, any more than it's right to act the way I'm acting. I'd better make up my mind. It took a month before they could get me in to see the doctor on the last appointment I broke, who knows where it's at now.

For what it's worth, I'm sure I put the cheese back in the fridge.

Oh, and I took the aluminum foil you put in there out and put it back in its drawer.

You know he's trying to drive you crazy. On purpose. Mine does that. He waits until I'm PMSing and then randomly tackles me at irregular intervals just so he can watch me get overly-irritated and try and control my mouth.

Damn them!

No really...really really...

I know that your a pshychology major and I know that I'm a psycho, so for my two cents worth go to the doctor. I go to the doctor when I feel out of control and it sounds as if you're losing the grip on your responses...the what and how.

I have that.

The thing I learned myself is that I am allowed to feel, I am allowed to react, I just can't live in such a way that I don't have the ability to tailor my responses to my environment.

Now, I'm on Paxil. You wouldn't say I was a CALM person as things go would you? But the thing is I take just enough that I can maintain my hold on the perspective so that I don't randomly fly off the handle at people.

My point is, there is a happy medium. They put me on xanex and I was totally stoned. The doctor thought this was great! I wasn't upset anymore. I felt totally unlike me. No excitement, no drive, no looniness.

No passion.

So I got off of it and tried different stuff until I found paxil.

Go to a NEW doctor. Tell them what you were on before and why it didn't work. Tell them that "nothing" is not a good thing for you to be on, but neither is what you took before. If you have a good doctor they will work with you to find something that just takes that edge off your mood swings, but doesn't turn you into sombody you're not.

If they don't work with you then you have a poo crappy stinky doctor and you can tell him or her I said so, spit on them, and go find a new one.

I'll even write you a note.

I've been out of control. Many times. It's no fun. I've also been completely surpressed by drugs. That's no fun. Go and find a happy in-between place.

And shove that cheese up Justin's nose, will ya? Do it for me.

Should I leave it out for a while first, to make sure it's nose-smashingly good? Otherwise it'd just kinda mush around it.

*sneaks in*

*Tackles Justin and duct tapes his fingers together so he won't keep posting about cheese.*

There. All better?

Amanda: I have no personal experience from which to draw and give advice about this subject. I DO know that Krissy is a very smart cookie, and she cares about you and you should listen to her advice. I also know that Justin loves you, and you should also listen to his advice. There is a happy medium here. Besides drug therapy, have you ever considered taking up Tai Chi? I know it sounds silly, but when I was a stupid, hormonal teenager and fit to bust over the "Soap Opera that was my Life," (which is how my friends reffered to it... some friends...) I found that that particular form of excercise made me a whole hell of a lot calmer. I actually could feel the anxiety just melt away for that hour and a half I was in class. The chime-y music and mellow people just did wonders for my soul. And that feeling would last for a while.

I also have a large arsenal of hugs at my disposal, which I give out quite liberally to people I know. So, for you my dear, have a go at Neopets for me and *hug.*

Oy...she won't get OFF Neopets. She's got that purply-red...cow thing that she seems to love so dearly. In fact, she was agitated this morning 'cause the DSL dropped out before she logged out, and she was afraid her stuff'd get STOLEN.

Maybe I should mash some cheese into my face so she'll notice me again...

I'm so very sorry, Justin. It was me and bansidh. We were chatting on AIM and Neopets came up and Amanda got curious and I TRIED to warn her it was addictive and she wouldn't listen and now she'll never escape.

So so so sorry.

By the bye, if you DO do that cheese thing, I insist upon pictures.

Maybe I'll just buy some of that Easy Cheese stuff and do it that way. Cheese that can be outfitted nasally can actually come in handy sometimes.

And she doesn't seem to be as hectically addicted as she was before, but I'm sure it'll resurface again soon. And I need a new book to read so I can pretend she's not online playing with cows....

Well it's been a while, my purpley-red cow thing was very nearly dead from neglect, and, despite sounding like a big fake cliche, I'm feeling much, much better.

I think.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you guys for caring and loving and taking the time to let me know you feel as much. Cheese or no cheese.