h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I come from a long line of hurt... and to tell you the truth, I've never really been in a relationship (friendship or otherwise) that has been worth placing a significant amount of trust in the other person. Between my home life and social life, there has never been anything good in the mix for myself, which might sound selfish. Well, it is selfish, but let's not dwell on that for the moment...

But to completely contradict myself (welcome to my mind) after having said "never really had someone worth trusting," I am today capable of making this proud contradiction in saying I do indeed have someone worth trusting. Two people, actually. Which is nothing less than a gift from life, the universe, and everything (sorry, heh)

The first person I learned to trust was someone who would never give up on me, which was a first. Growing up, it was all about giving up. I was a serious joke and befuddlement to the medical and mental sciences afterall, not to mention a worthless waste of flesh to my family and most of the world. I wasn't big on making friends, not then, not now, not ever, simply because I was tired of being hurt by those who would become closest to me. But about a year ago, I met a care-free girl a few years older than me who changed my mind about friendship. Not surprisingly, there were several (hundred?) times along the way that I was completely positive that I had ruined our friendship in one way or another -- I was always good at that. Any relationship that didn't work out in my life has definately been my fault, I won't deny that. But... wait. Why is she still here? Why does she still want to support me in everything and anything I do, and be here for me, when I'm such a horrible person?

And that's when I began to trust another human being (*applause*). Thanks, Jessica.

The second person I met who I was able to place my trust in is my boyfriend Matt. An online meeting and a single trip for coffee (3 hour trip actually, well at least it wasn't a 3 hour tour...) was enough to have me falling head over heels for this incredible guy, even though at the time I was unsure if I even wanted another relationship. He was everything I wanted, and although it had been about a month and a half since a hairy breakup with my last boyfriend, I was still in a lot of hurt and was extremely unsure of myself and the world around me. But he was able to change my mind, on a lot of things, without even going out of his way. Or maybe he did go out of his way and he's not telling me But I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone before, this I'm sure of. And the love I have for him is astounding.

But of course I've managed to nearly murder the best relationship I've ever had, several times I'm sure. And even through the very rock bottom of it all, he was there for me. And that is a quality you can only hope to find in another person. I consider myself extremely lucky to have found not only what I consider to be my soul mate (a concept I never truly believed in until I met Matthew), but someone I consider to be my best friend above all others. You mean the world to me, Matt.

But its difficult. To trust, I mean. Or at least, its difficult for me to *show* that trust... because I'm a chronic worrier and pessimist, something I won't deny but want desperately to change. Trusting and loving a person so much actually scares me on some levels as much as it comforts me, lifts me up, and gives me something in life to look forward to each and every moment of the day. And I don't know why it scares me.

Ok, so maybe I know why... maybe I'm afraid that in the blink of an eye, it will all disappear, something I've already come face to face with once this time around. But its not the blink of an eye that will cause everything to crumble... only my own fears, my own insecurities, and my own worries. Things I have to give up to the relationship itself, and maybe to fate, another concept I used to have no belief in. And *that* is a scarey thing. Trusting my fears to something, or someone, else. Giving it up in favor of saying "this is going to work out"

I did it again, today. I managed to do it again. No matter how hard I try, I always slip up in the end, because I refuse to let go of the actual source of the problem. As long as the source remains, so to do the problems, and more fear.

So here's the first step, *ahem*:
This is going to work out. I have all the trust, love, and stability I need to realize this, I just have to actually look at it instead of trying to cover it up.

- ametropia

You should be afraid that's good we most all face the fears or they will never go away.There an old saying "She who trusts can never be betrayed only mistaken".
In the past when you have tryed and failed to keep friends so now you are doubtful about making new friends.You should think of what you have at the moment and enjoy it more friends will come your way in time some over the net other in the real world you will deal with them better now you know how good it can be to have nice friends.

P.S.I am no poet and reading that back does not sound like it was ment to but i think i got the main parts accross.

I have one good friend, and one boyfriend, and thats all I'm intent on keeping simply because I don't have the stamina to keep up with anything else. Upholding relationships is tricky business for me, friendship and otherwise, I'm a high-maintenance person (as a friend, and a girlfriend as I'm sure my boyfriend would admit in an instant, lol) and not many people can 'stand' me... on the other hand, I don't take this as a downfall, I take this as who I am.

But I've had to change who I am slightly to fit better into the world of those around me.

But its not to say I am actively looking for tons of friends. In fact that could possibly be the worst thing for me. I can't handle trying to maintain any more than one or two relationships with people at a time, I'm no good at it. I devote every single fibre of my being into a relationship.

I love my boyfriend and he's all I really need right now, but I have had trouble trusting completely, or at least *showing* that I trust in him completely, in him in the past because of my past and my inability to be optimistic, to let go of the past, etc etc... and now to save my own sanity, his sanity, and our relationship, I'm trying desperately to change that because I do indeed trust him completely, I always have, I just haven't been able to show it very well.

Basically my doubts surround not friendships mostly but my relationship with my wonderful boyfriend. The trust I lost with past boyfriends carried over into this relationship, and I had a horrible time trying to realize that he wasn't going to do to me what the others did. I assumed, and almost believed, he would do *exactly* what the rest did. And its only when I believed that he would not do that, and that I do trust him with everything that I am, was I able to start to let go of a lot of my constant fears.

But still, some fears are still there and may take a lot of time to go away, if they go away at all. I fear losing the only good thing that has come into my life in a long time, and why shoudln't I fear losing that?

"she who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken" -- perhaps. But there is also this saying: "Optimists always look to the best, and are constantly disappointed; Pessimists prepare for the worst and are therefor often pleasantly surprised." This long-standing belief of mine has kept me a pessimist for as long as I can remember in an attempt to protect myself from being hurt. But in the long run, its only caused more hurt than its helped.

20 years od pessimism is not easily replaced with optimism however, and thats the challenge I face now.

I hope my boyfriend (and any friends I may have now) sticks around long enough for the change to take place, because its been very slow going. You can't change 20 years over night, or even in a few days or weeks. I hope he does, and I believe he will.

At least I don't consider it changing who I am for someone else, just taking away excess baggage thats in the way of who I am underneath.

At least I hope so...

But it doesn't take all of the worrying away. I still have to fight that every single day without fail, I don't know if people understand how hard that is. Friends, relatives, relationships, what have you, it doesn't matter, I worry constantly. I have trouble living in the present; I live not in the future perhaps, but *for* the future. Its difficult.

- ametropia

But new friends will still come your way this is a very friendly site.I don't mean that loads of new friends will be knocking down your door,but one or two new people will drop by your page and you may like to chat with them.Also over time new friends will come into your life and other might leave not though falling out just moving on.

P.S Nice to see you are settling in.