h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"I shall treat that contempt with the remark it deserves".

Taken from assorted joke-mails over the years:

"If your IQ were any lower, you'd trip over it!"

"When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."

"Earth is full, go home."

"I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ####."

"You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers."

"The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're a genius."

"I don't know what your problem is, but I'll net it's hard to pronounce."

Any similarities between your reality and mine are purely coincidental."

"I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid."

"I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter."

When I want your opinion, I'll read it in your entrails. For when you're feeling cranky.

One of my favorites:

"You have a right to your opinions, no matter how idiotic they may be."

A few I've actually used recently:
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Guy says to me: "They say you're so intelligent, but I've never heard you say a single smart thing."

I answer: "That's because I adjust my conversation to suit the listener."
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At a small party, a guy in the room says something pompous. Another person says about him (so he can hear it): "He has delusions of grandeur."

I answer (again so he can hear it): "No, he has delusions of adequacy. He's working his way up."
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Finally, I'm helping a friend of mine who's single with some landscaping. He's sawing a board really fast and finishes in record time.

I say: "Wow, you're really good at that."

Five second pause to let him bask in the praise.

I continue: "You must use your right hand a LOT."

If you don't get it, I won't tell