h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Wait till you get to my age and you will experience as I did the sudden epiphany that Belle & Sebastian and bloody Boards of Canade (whoever they are) are nothing but fey meaningless student drivel and what we really want is B*witched and Britney Spears and anyone who sings simple bland songs with catchy tunes that we can sing along to. Manufactured bands aren't aimed at the teens, they're aimed at the late twenty/thirtysomethings who've got money to spend, aren't worried about not looking cool, and work too many hours to want to have to think about deep philosophical lyrics or appreciate intricate musical arrangements when they get home.

Anyway I like Ant and Dec. I don't go a bundle on Steps though.

How can you like Ant & Dec? Every week they have a chance to strike these pruveyors of blandness and mediocrity firmly athwart the arse yet they fail so do to. My girlfriend's sister has apparently bought tickets for Celine Dion's farewell tour later this year and has one of the worst record collections ever sighted. The main complaint I have about such drivel is that there are masses of good bands about waiting to be signed that could produce three albums on the advance offered to these tenny/thirty/grannypop bands for a single and video. My main barney with Steps is that they complain in interviews of receiving no money yet for their work. They're managed by Pete Waterman and they expect personal gain? I love music and would happily play every day for food and board, nothing more. Gomez' album was produced for thruppence and a couple of pork pies. Bewitched must have squandered a million on denim alone. Gomez had eleven ½ songs on their album, Bewitched only one repeated a few times. Where is the justice?

Sadly there is indeed no justice. But that's like saying Hollywood shouldn't make blockbuster movies because there are some really good independents that just don't get a look in. Anyway surely the very fact that your indie bands go largely undetected lends them a whole load of cred? Don't people tend to complain that bands have sold out when they get on top of the pops? Anyway it's the same with anything - you look at the bestseller fiction list and it's invariably Danielle Steele or Catherine Cookson or somesuch rubbish, that doesn't mean there isn't plenty of decent fiction out there and anyone with half a mind knows what it is.

Gomez had eleven and a half songs on their album eh? That doesn't excuse the execrability of Whipping Piccadilly or whatever it was called. Although the first single (whatever it was called) was quite good.

Though rest assured Wingpig that despite my advancing years I do actually like Belle & Sebastian, though I still maintain that Boards of Canada are crap.

What kind of band is your band?

Varied stuff. We have the advantage of two keyboard players to balance out our bassist, who started out with the idea that we'd be playing jazz-funk. He still tries to infuse a hint of reggae into his songs but it's resisting quite well. Our singer likes Celine Dion but has been prevented from influencing us in such a way. I mention Belle and Sebastian not because I'm a devotee but merely because they subverted the fact that TV programmes with votes from the viewers usually err towards the side of whatever the massed ranks of grannies watching prefer. Otherwise, it's done by people who think they're down with the kids, resulting in Roni Size and his amazing lack of talent that's covered up by his bassist and drummer winning the Mercury in 1997. The other good thing abot B&S winning is that Pete Waterman got angry and took a further step towards the infarction he so richly deserves. Do you remember a track called "SUnshine after the rain" by some one-hit electric fools a few years ago? The lyrics, such as they were were bland, repetitive but merely because of their content my flatmate described it as a happy song. The tune was the standard bilge of danceypop hits these days. When I pointed this out, adding that most of the music was in a minor key, I was moaned at for being "crap and band-y". This sort of thing suggests that the people making this stuff really don't care what they're putting out; there's no problem as their listeners pay no attention either. Factory-produced disco fodder is fine from the point of view of people who will put it on in the background and hear it without listening, but there's always going to be a need for deeper stuff that people can actually feel. The bugger comes when people don't buy the stuff they want because they've never heard it as the radios don't think it's catchy enough and never play it and people don't want to risk fifteen pounds on something that might be wrong for them. Now that I think of it, there's no point selling stuff that's always on the radio as it can be taped. If only there was a way of making people realise this. Ho hum.

You want to keep the masses away from the "deep" stuff. If they want it, they'll find it, sure enough.

And forgive me but I thought danceypop, or indeed any dance music, was made for dancing to, not listening to? In which case the lyrics don't particularly matter (and often just get in the way).

If it's made for dancing to and not listening to, it comes back to the point where it ought to be categorised away from other things. There's a fine line between the standard TOTP stuff and the stuff featured on dance compilations. Dance proper seems to require the use of that strange sound, sort of like a sampled elephant trumpet. The thing about danced to and not listened to is what irked me to point out to the complainant that for happiness she should look to a proper band where the happiness is thicker, creamier and mixed with an idea of what unhappiness is to clarify the point. Therein lies the danger - people are mistaking souped-up metronomes for music.