h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I haven't written anything here for a while. This is not because nothing has happened to me worth writing about, it's because only weird evil things have happened to me in rapid succession and I've not been thinking sensibly enough to make sensible sense as a result. I've been under a lot of pressure at work. For example yesterday, it was my birthday, it wasn't very evil, but there was weirdness. This weirdness started to coalesce around the form of a jumpy looking businessman who walked away from a cash machine without taking his hundred odd quid. I was the only person behind him and to be honest I umm'ed and ahh'ed for a while about nicking the uncollected cash before finally caving in to the tattered remains of my better nature and deciding to give him it back. He'd buggered off miles down the street by this point doing some power walking nonsense or something so I ran after him. I was pissed off with him: one for being daft, two for walking so fast and making me run and three for thrusting fiscal temptation deep into my nose. This crossness translated freely into me shouting 'Oi, DICKHEAD' after him to get him to stop. It didn't work. He took one look at me and broke into a sprint. So I stepped up a gear and chased the sod halfway down the high street. Now, I've chased people who've taken something off someone, I've been chased, screaming on occasion, by someone trying to take something off me, or give me something, namely a kick in the backside or similar, but I've never had to hound down a businessman in order to get them to accept a fist full of crisp twenty pound notes. It's not the done thing. I mean that. I don't think it has ever been done. It's a good job I quit smoking for a few months or I'd have a hundred pounds. I eventually managed to wrangle the banker by the hardware shop aided in part by a protrusion of brooms he had difficulty navigating. He was very thankful, I was unassuming and we were both quite red and sweaty and having trouble breathing. This rounded the experience off very weirdly I thought. This whole thing wasn't the pressure at work by the way. That was something else. I no longer have an ID/swipe card. Well I do, but it's not mine which kind of defeats the point of an ID card a bit. I lost my card and my employers are sloths (probably only metaphorically) who take a few weeks to sort out a new card while I have to fiddle about meaninglessly every time I want to go through a door. So I nicked one. An ID card. One not currently in use. There is a box of cards handed in by people who have left or been dismissed under the security guard's desk. I kind of forgot to report my lost card after that. That was about three months ago. So the pressure is really just mounting horror about the fact that I disappeared off the log-in database at the same time someone who has probably been sacked mysteriously starts coming back to work and indecision over whether I should bite the bullet and report my card, potentially alerting the sloths to my misdemeanour, or just keep the card and a low profile in the hope of not enraging the sloths enough to check any incriminating excel files. I'm still not making sensible sense am I? I'll try again later.

Yep that counts as a weird birthday!
Hope you had (or ten!) to recover

Not yet. Going out on thursday. Welly. I was still getting over from subdub on the monday. I got ceremonially beaten at all games except go, though. I came close at battleships.