h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I went to the pub today. Dressed as a member of the viet-cong. It's my friend's birthday. I got there and attempted to purchase a drink only to be roped into working briefly behind the bar as my boss went to sneakily smoke something. When she returned I got my drink and thought, after some preliminary greeting, well-wishing and friendly abuse, it was time I went for a smoke myself. I headed towards the beer garden. Our beer garden has two doors. The first was shut, the second open. As I opened the first door I was surprised to find a toddler occupying the second doorway. This in its self was not that surprising. The true surprise came from the fact the nipper was attired similarly to myself in chinese style, down the front toggled, baggy pajamas. These PJ's where rather more ornate than my proverbial black ones. They were gorgeous. Bright blue silk with stylized white chinese clouds embroidered onto them. The ensemble was highlighted nicley by the curly, pinging bright ginger hair and khaki sun hat the child was sporting. I was rather taken aback. As I was drinking in the sight of the munchkin it occured to me that the child was scowling at me rather fervently. I understood the reason for this instantly. I've been on a six day bender, and what with celebrating going to the Big Chill, going to the Big Chill, celebrating coming back and reuniting with the people who didn't go and just having one or two more days and nights of revelry in a just-keep-going sort of spirit, I am starting to look a bit weird. This had to be disregarded however as I was obviously in a kung-fu showdown scenario and in these circumstances the appearance of only just having learnt to walk (another thing we had in common)is not to be taken at face value. I wasn't going to take any risks with this one, the ginger hair was a bad sign, so, in my finest Pigsy, I uttered the famous mantra, "You want to see my kung-fu?". The child growled at me. I know the drill, "Master in a khaki sun hat! I will show you my kung-fu" I proclaimed and made movements to suggest that in mantis, monkey, crane, iron bridge, tiger, drunken monk, eagle, dragon, tea towel, egg, bag, stool and snake styles my skill is bordering on mythological. The child fled, obviously not prepared for such mastery. I was rather pleased with myself to be honest. It is reassuring to me that I am still imposing enough to frighten small children without having to resort to such crass displays as crushing bricks with my bare hands or picking up demijohns full of water with my bum cheeks. I enjoyed my smoke with an air of quiet mischief, chuckling and stroking my eyebrows. The sprog was attempting to hide behind her older sister who was preoccupied with a piece of cake. So, next time there will be two, and they will have eaten potentially mystical kung-fu skill enhancing cake. I will be ready. A true master always is.

Thankyou so much!!
Just nearly fallen off my work chair laughing at this!!

My pleasure DJ_Bear. Glad you enjoyed it.

Brilliant

It still makes me laugh to remember a ginge little girl getting piste off with the pretty blonde little girl who insisted ginge was doing everything wrong, so ginge proceeded to drag her round car park in a headlock. You should teach them you art, so they can better resolve such future matters

Hmmm....ginger...injure...ninja.

Would they fight to the death? I'm not sure I can condone that. Although I do feel pretty blond people should get stomped by gingers in car parks more often. The tradition is sadly in decline.

Nooo, they'd just do the stand off. Start simple, sugar bowl to wounded bull to limp chicken. Then they can control their agression.