h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

To quote a song, 'We are the ones with the radiating eyes'**.
Although the suggested symptoms were made up, I most certainly recognise seeing them in the reflection on my monitor. I am one of a dying breed of true internet know-alls. We shun the 'web' for more (or should I say less) mature protocols such as Hotline and IRC. Although I would love to introduce others to the wonders of Hotline, I fear some people would never leave the keyboard again.
Anyway, enoguh of the chit chat, lets get on with the useful stuff.
What to do if you think you're an addict:
1. When you wake up in the morning (please do try to sleep at least one night a week), you should be closer to your fridge than you are to your computer. This is very important since I have seen many a poor soul become inexorably drawn towards their computer before even taking a drink of water.
2. Go easy on the caffeine, for Pete's sake. Caffeine, although giving the illusion of consciousness, will only cause to you babble, a prime example of which can be found right here in this post. The one exception to this rule is if the drug is used to keep an argument going.
3. Learn how to argue and win in chatrooms. Easy as this may sound, typing in ALL CAPS often does not win you an argument, rather a kick from the room/server. What you must do is this:
Never change your opinion whilst in an argument, this will make you look weak (remember people can scroll up to see what you said earlier and quote you).
Stay on the defensive as much as you can. The best way to win an argument is to shred anything the other person says whilst not giving them anything that they could shred.
Lastly, in dire circumstances, leave the room immediately and come back later, complaining of a connection failure.
4. Be wary of becoming a nerd. Note that it is possible to spend an unhealthy amount of time in front of a screen and not ever succumb to nerd-dom, but it should also be noted that you will be treading a find line between cool and freaky. The secret to survival lies in what you do online. Try to vary your habits, and occasionaly do something completely crazy (like going to the ITV website or something) to prevent you from falling into a very deep groove. Playing online games is a good way to break up the pattern, although RPGs may get you beaten by the nerdy stick.
5. Last, and for once actually least, listen to music which will make you jump about, because lets face it, that's the only exercise you're ever likely to get.



**Line quoted form 'Keeping Out Of Direct Sunlight' by AFI