h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Facts:
Monsters fail to function efficiently when exposed to light.
Monsters delight in frightening children.
Bedroom access ports can include the space under the bed and the area directly behind the clothes in a closet. (Note: Smaller monsters may gain entry through a chest of drawers or box of facial tissues)
Nightlights as well as the material bed covers are composed of have been proven effective against the offensive capabilities of a monster.

Therefore, I propose a solution to the problem of monsters.

1) A messy room - monsters can't scare you if they're stepping on sharp plastic things.

2) Veritable treasure trove of miscellaneous items under bed - serves to block a primary link connecting the monster's world with our own.

3) Closed closet door - With very few exceptions, monsters have shown themselves to be either too stupid or too lazy to open doors.

4) Small, readily-available source of light - something you can activate immediately, to repel unwanted intrusions by monsters.

5) Oversized blanket and more pillows than you could ever possibly need - The more lumps of cloth and stuffing you're hiding under, the more difficult it will be for monsters to find you and go for the scare. This also has the added benefit of increasing your comfort level exponentially, thereby ushering you off to dreamland where monsters show themselves in the form of nightmares. Actually, come to think of it, monsters in nightmares are even scarier, and they can change shapes.

So, I guess just sleep on a bench under a streetlamp or something with only some newspaper covering. Not my first choice for a place to sleep, but at least then monsters won't be the thing to worry about the most.


This has been another well thought-out but ultimately useless journal entry by yours truly,

B. Felix Eudro, Ph.D., R.B.D.