h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I cried today, I cried for me, for the me I once was, for the me I was going to be, for the me I lost. I have never written publically about this and I'm sure if I had the courage to check on h2g2 i find an informative article about the subject, I'm just not ready yet. I have Depression, there it's out, the world seems to be still getting along with it's business, it hasn't come tumbling down around my ears and life as we know it is carrying on blissfully unaware of my admission. The worst thing about Depression, and there are lots to choose from, is how it affects my self confidence.

In the last year my world has turned upside down, I used to be so sure of what I was doing, so sure that I was making a difference, now these certainties elude me. If you are reading this and you have had Depression you will know how I'm feeling, what I've felt. If you are reading this and you have never suffered (for suffering is part of the illness) from Depression you will wonder what the hell I'm talking about, why I don't just snap out of it. I had never had any experience with the illness prior to February this year and i can say with absolute certainty I would have reacted just like you had I met someone with Depression. thankfully I am starting to understand a lot more now, and most importantly not fighting against it.

I just watched a brilliant documentary on Mental Illness in NZ, even now I shudder when I have to use the word "mental". The stigma associated with that word and the use of "anti depressants" perpetuates the illness and frustrates recovery, worse still I castigate myself for my weakness, why can't I be strong ? why can't I just snap out of it ? tha answer is you can't ! I can't !

Thankfully I am recovering well, but just like a recovering alcholic I feel like I'm only one tear away from returning to the black hole that consumed me and made life nearly unbearable. I've got great friends, some of which are relatively new, and my family support me from a distance because of the geographical seperation. The thing is however you have to do it on your own and it can be very, very lonely.

I shredded a lot of my journal enteries about the real dark days, i'm not sure yet if that is a good or bad thing, it's just a thing. I do however remember vividly crying uncontrollably, and the difficulty I had with everyday tasks. I couldn't even face going to the Supermarket, it took Super Human strength to have a shower or do the washing. Now I know I'm not alone, there are many many more people suffering from depression and it is different for everyone. The suffering is non-negotiable, it's the Misery that's optional.

One day I'll look back on this time and perhaps be grateful (I find that hard to believe at the moment) for the moment I'm glad to be alive, happy to have found an outlet for my feelings about this and lots of other "stuff" that consumes me some times.

It's strange because this sounds so Depressing, yet today is one of my best days, I am looking forward to a wonderful future, whilst still living firmly in the present. I am happy and excited, my fears are still there they just seem, well not so scary anymore. Thankyou for reading this, if you have any comments I would welcome your input and respect your courage.

May I hold you a while?

Thankyou Light, thankyou Amy for reading this entry and for replying, and for the 's and yes Light you may holdme, ilike being held

* traces the tear upon your cheek, stands in the fire with you and holds you *

*smiles to Skelligsbro *

Thankyou Ottox