h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The discovery that my son is on the autistic spectrum has really made me re-examine my own life and also to look at those round me. I'm handling a young adolescent who's going through some challenging times. Last night, I had another outbreak of rage. This time, I was aware that the rumblings portended rage, so I tried to deal differently with him. The presenting issue was money. He wanted what amounts to two months pocket money. With it, he was going to take me to the cinema or to have a meal and he also wanted the latest electronic game. I'm not sure that he could have done both, actually.

I think this outburst was a symptom of something else. He hasn't any friends close by and it's holiday time, so people who might have been available aren't. The friend he most wants to see (an Aspergers boy) and is just about within walking district has been taken out of school (a different one to my son's) because of bullying and I think that he has seen him only once since then - that's once all year. I think he feels he wants stuff to fill the void.

As for me, although it's not pleasant coping, I'm finding I'm growing through the process.

I continue to admire you, ZSF Your considered approach and your wish to understand little and his behaviour is wonderful.

You've talked about support group/s for you. What about for little ? Are there any groups of Mums and kids that you might be able to meet up with during the holidays? I know that might be difficult given the nature of Aspergers, but it's a thought.


Fb

I'm not sure whether there is a support group for the children themselves, FB. I applied to join the local group of the National Autistic Society and so far haven't heard anything. 'I know that might be difficult given the nature of Aspergers, but it's a thought.' I have an image of a bunch of kids all wanting to be the centre of attention.

I've wondered if my mum might be borderline Aspergers. She has a good heart and does 'the right thing' by her own lights, but can't hear other opinions and appears to lack empathy. Her religion is her life's single focus issue. She can't debate, only recite what's written in the book.

That's interesting about your Mum ZSF,

Someone I know of, has two children recently diagnosed as on the Autistic spectrum, and do you know it has dawned on them that the father has tendencies too which he has struggled with all his life without knowing what, if anything was wrong! I have found that there is a kind of intense stubbornness and an inability to relate to others' feelings.

Like Frenchbean, I have great admiration for you, for the way you are dealing with it, and also your ability to share it with others. It helps us all gain some understanding.

Take care, and Email any time if you wish.

Websailor

'I have found that there is a kind of intense stubbornness and an inability to relate to others' feelings.' That's my mum!

I gather there's a debate as to heritability vs environment. I imagine it it's your mum, the likelihood is greater that you could inherit it, but there are aggravating factors too (and I imagine mitigating factors).

I've still no idea as to whether little thinks it's a relief to know why he is having problems, or if it's an embarrassment. I know there are a couple of occasions where it's seemed like a good excuse for behaviour. It's often difficult to know what he's thinking, and sometimes, I don't think he knows himself. I do hope he can see the wonderful qualities he has (and he really has). I just want him to be happy and to be able to cope properly in the world.

I think my ex-husband may have had ASD tendencies and more expecially, his brother.

I may have spotted a pattern. I have a Toastmasters meeting this evening. Little is playing up (demanding money again). I agreed a small sum of money in return for chores. He's not back from the shop yet. I have a deadline to meet - I'm the President - I open the meeting. I'm now stressed and anxious.

I hope he came back soon after you posted and that your stress isn't now through the roof.


Fb

I hope he has come back too and you got away ok. It is so worrying when they do that.

Do you take him with you or are you able to make other arrangements? It sounds as if it might be a pattern, when your attention is being directed elsewhere.

Let us know how you get on.

Websailor

Hi FB and Websailor

Yes - he did come back and in time for me to get to the Toastmaster meeting on time, although I was a bit flustered. I'll need to keep an eye on what happens on Toastmaster days in case it is a pattern. He used to come with me, and the group let him have a table topic (a slot in the impromptu part of the evening), but for the last year or so, he hasn't wanted to come, so I've stopped inviting him. Maybe I could try inviting him again.

I had a meeting with someone at work today who works for the Youth Offending Service. She said that although he isn't currently at risk of offending, if he wasn't given the correct support, he might be. She asked what help I was getting. When I explained my current circumstances, she said she might be able to argue that I could get support as though he were at risk, which I think I would find very helpful.

Although help would be useful I don't think it very professional of this woman to tell you that sort of thing! Especially if it was at work and it doesn't sound as if she has met him.

I still remember the trouble caused by someone on h2g2 who suggested all sorts of things to another mother of a boy around the same age - she was terrified of puberty arriving in her son for a long time!

Like J, Little behaviour could be linked to communication problems, and I think this is something that should be expolored for Little ASAP, before worrying about 'offending'. Especially if most of his bad behaviour is directed at his mum, rather than everyone - if that's the case he's lashing out at you because you are 'safe'.

ZSF,

I tend to agree with Mina. It was a bit presumptuous to even suggest there is a risk of him offending later. Just because he has a few problems doesn't automatically mean that kind of trouble in the future. If she is suggesting support 'as though he is at risk' would that mean he would be put on the 'at risk register' ? I would not have thought you would have wanted that. Of course it is entirely up to you, I am only commenting as an outsider looking in.

This sounds like the current government thinking that teachers etc. should report any child seen at risk of offending, as young as three!! Whilst it is sometimes possible to spot a potential problem child at a young age, I find the way our 'nanny state' is sticking its nose in to family life a bit much. It isn't as if their record with 'at risk' cases already on their books, is that good.

It might be worth inviting him again to the Toastmasters just to see his reaction.

I hope you have a peaceful evening.

Websailor

*************

Mina, you have personal experience of all this. If you think I am speaking out of turn any time please say so.

Websailor

No, no, any opinion is valid. Each experience will be different anyway, so Little will probably be completely different due to different upbringings. J's always been much better with me - all his problems have been at school. Other mums have good as gold at school, but little at home.

It's just so fresh for me still - the late diagnosis and trying to get help, give up things I think are important (both in my life and in J's) so J can have a better life etc. I don't want to see a little kid written of as 'at risk of offending if things go on like this' when he could be struggling to make sense of the world.

Mina,

Thanks, my feelings exactly, and such attitudes are getting worse here, in spite of all the knowledge that is available for anyone interested. Our NHS was intended to cover us 'from the cradle to the grave' but not to monitor and spy on us every moment of every day, and especially not to 'label' a child so early on.

ZSF, I think you are doing brilliantly, and judging from the comments at the recent London Meet, your little is a lovely boy, both in looks and manners, so please don't let anyone mark him down as a potential offender.

Is his difficult behaviour directed only at you, or is he the same at school? If it is just you then that is not just his autism, but a normal part of growing up, to kick against any authority, especially the 'safe' option who love him to bits. They know all the buttons to press.

Websailor

I think that the Youth Offending officer was actually trying to get support for me. I could really do with some practical help. Yes, his difficult behaviour appears to be totally directed at me. 'They know all the buttons to press.' - yes- don't they, Mina.

I do think I'll invite him to the next Toastmasters meeting, Websailor.

I am sure she was, it was just the idea of perhaps him being 'a marked man' in a sense. You must do what is best for you.

It must be hard not to take his behaviour to you personally, but all Mums get it at some time, because we are 'safe' as Mina said. It doesn't mean you are not doing things right either. He obviously knows not to be like that elsewhere which must be a blessing. Mine use to play me up dreadfully at times but were always on their best behaviour when out.
Of course that meant everyone thought they were good and couldn't understand why I could have cheerfully throttled them on occasion

I hope he accepts

Websailor

'it was just the idea of perhaps him being 'a marked man' in a sense.' - yes - I confess that I had this thought and if this is what might be the outcome, I would certainly want to think again. I do like the idea of being able to access support and advice. I'll wait to see what's offered before making any decisions.

'It must be hard not to take his behaviour to you personally, but all Mums get it at some time, because we are 'safe' as Mina said. It doesn't mean you are not doing things right either. He obviously knows not to be like that elsewhere which must be a blessing. Mine use to play me up dreadfully at times but were always on their best behaviour when out.
Of course that meant everyone thought they were good and couldn't understand why I could have cheerfully throttled them on occasion'. Yes.

It's become clearer to me that he reacts differently than I would and that at the moment, he reacts as he reacts, and that quite possibly it's the only way he can react at the moment. I'm not sure at the moment how much I can affect his development, however much I might want to.

Reminds me of a family tale. My middle brother, P, was a real handful for Mum as a 4 and 5 year old - a horror. The other two were angels by comparison (2 years either side). P was angelic-looking and behaved as though butter wouldn't melt in his mouth when he was out and about with Mum.

At the shops one time, a woman took one look at this fair-haired, doe-eyed toddler, bent over and said "What's your name?". To which he replied "I be a little devil"... Poor Mum; I don't think she's ever recovered from the shame of her words being spoken out loud in public

There are many reasons I'm content to be childless....

Websailor

'butter wouldn't melt in his mouth' - oh I know this, Fb! When mine is playing up - as he did tonight on the way home from the Motor Show - it's generally walking along. So I'm walking along the street with him either whinging, muttering or shouting. Allied to that is leaving his things on the ground and threatening to leave them behind. I ignored this and continued to walk, stopping occasionally to wait for him when he got too far behind and started to get distressed about this.

The issue was that he hadn't eaten part of the food I had prepared for lunch and then wanted chips. I already had other ideas for tea. The doctor had advised that little stay away from chips. He is due pocket money, but we both agreed that this month's pocket money should be put aside for our camping holiday. Apart from that, I hadn't a great deal of actual money and have at the moment just coins.

I asked him on the way back in the car if he could put himself in my position and how I would think about the issue. He said that I probably thought he was annoying, but couldn't really see anything from any point of view other than his.

I wonder if the issue in this is that if he complains loudly and often enough, he thinks that he can get his own way?

*waves to Websailor*