h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am beyond lonely, flatbound, stuck in a wheelchair, can't get outside unless its the weekend and husband is around to push me, no garden. My health is getting worse and worse, no cure for this.

I realise I was a difficult person to get on with, having complex ptsd does that for one.

But as I sit here unable to sleep with tears pouring down, I realise that if I died, no-one but my husband would know or care and no-one else but my husband would come to my funeral.

Oh and I tried many psychiatrists, the last was going to book me into ptsd counselling and put me on a medication which actually helped. Instead due to a fire alarem and his lack of brain. He discharged me without doing any of my paperwork. My doctor couldn't chase up on it, against the rules. I would have had to go back and start again, I couldn't face that.

So here I sit knowing that I am such a bad person/friend that no-one here tried to keep in touch. My future is very bleak, my days are painful and grim. I see no point anymore in fighting.

I wish that someone here saw beyond my constant state of panic and my chronic illness and disability and saw something which made me worth keeping in touch with, but I guess there is nothing left in me worth anything, it was all destroyed by abuse.

I am rubbish at keeping in touch with anyone, and I wish I had kept in touch with you. Not that that helps any, and I'm not trying to excuse myself--just let you know that, in my case at least, it's not you.

Thats good to know

I'm sitting here staring at a blank reply box (well, not blank now, obviously...) trying to think of what to say... It's getting close to bedtime here, because I didn't sleep much the last few days. Since the last time we talked, Faith has had a little sister, who is now 7 months old. She hasn't slept well since the 17th, because she and I were at a women's retreat, and she's at an age now that she doesn't want to sleep when she's not at home in case she misses something!

Sounds like fun, even without sleep. I never sleep for more than 3 hours these days.

Don't worry about me too much, I am not suicidal. Just don't want to continue like this, if you know what I mean.

You have a busy life, so thanks for making the time for me.

Funnily enough I was on your page a few days ago wondering if you'd been back.

Sorry to hear things are looking bleak for you. I hardly ever see anyone now except strangers and family, although at least I have the benefit of being able to get out and about.

Blimey, its Mina. Hope things are going well for you. Hi to Amy as well.

My last post was made at a time I was struggling to accept my illness, I think I have worked that process through now. I am a lot happier and having more fun. Its very frustrating obviously, facing the rest of my life in a wheelchair, I cannot imagine having the strength to go on holiday again. A day trip for me these days is a few hours only, I do hope to be able to go on holiday again though.

I am waiting to move in 3 years, to be able to go outdoors during teh day and sit in my own garden is a blissful thought. I have to go up and down 2 flights of stairs here and there is nowhere to sit outside, no garden and no privacy, just a carpark. I dream of that day, I am convinced my health will improve, being able to pop outdoors by myself, not having to wait for weekends, is bound to help. I shall have bunnies as well. Those two things are my ambitions now, my world has got a lot smaller, no going to India, Costa Rica etc, just a garden and a bunny!

I see it was stupid of me to come back here, expecting friends.