h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have been trying quite a few prescribed drugs for the past few months. One worked really well, I began to be able to sit up again for longer than 10 minutes, but the side-effects after 2 weeks were too bad too continue.

The replacement however is slowly turning my eye red and very sore, so I am looking to come off it.

Another drug seems to make no difference at all, so I am re-starting the first drug again, with another drug to go with it, just to try and stop the side-effects.

Its all so daft.

I also have a tens machine.

Between the lot of them, I can now sit up for a couple of hours on a good day. I can walk a couple of hundred yards. I can sleep for usually 2 hours at a go and sometimes I have been known to get 4 hours in, but thats only with the help of the first drug, with the nasty side-effects.

Most of the time I cope well. I don't even have a diagnosis yet, but thought is leaning towards a neurological disorder. I have no idea though whether this is permanent, will get worse, or can be managed with drugs etc.

I get pain which makes me cry and tense up, but most of the time I cope. I accept and am happy just to potter around at home. I can do crafty stuff, read, watch tv. I am very very tired all day, but I can stay quite calm.

Sometimes though I turn into a bitch and I have no-one else to share this with but Moonglum. He gets the rough end sometimes. We share one room, so we have no space. He tries to sleep during the night as he works. I get only 2 hours sleep during the night, if only we had one other room.

I do not dwell on the fact that I cannot get out to a shop, I cannot get out during the day to speak to anyone. I get one small walk daily, its all I can do. I don't dwell on my plans, the places I would like to visit, holidays I cannot take. We can't even afford a taxi to take us to the local shopping centre once a week, so I stay home.

I dwell on having a roof, being warm, deriving pleasure from reading and writing and my crafty stuff, still singing when I can face it and try to feel grateful for that. I no longer feel that pain can be rewarding, after more than 2 years, I am so over that idea.

I never thought my life would end up like this, and I have no idea if this is it or whether it will get worse.

But I like to remind myself that I am lucky, sometimes though it is a bit hard to convince myself.

I am deleting this, so please everyone ignore it.

I must stop making the same mistakes as before, one of which is discussing my medical stuff on here. It was gossiped about before and some people decided it was all lies. I don't need attitude like that, so I will continue dealing with this by myself.

It was just a moment of weakness, I will remain strong and not bring up personal stuff here.