h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Work was busy today. I did 200 prescriptions in an 8 hour shift and even though I was painfully overworked, I still had time to observe the behaviour of our patients. Mostly I thought about how they act on the other side of that counter. I thought about how nice it would be to put up a poster, next to the one of the asthmatic lung, that would give our patients a little help. It may start like this:

1. Stare at me while I am filling your prescriptions. This will definitely make me work faster.

2. Be sure to ask the pharmacy staff the exact price of your prescription before it is filled because we should know every single co-pay for every single plan.

3. While you're at it, complain at me about how much you pay for your prescription. It has nothing to do with the insurance companies or the government. I set the copays based on how I felt that morning.

4. It isn't necessary to give me your insurance card or even know the name of your insurance company. I am psychic.

5. Don't know the name of any of the medications you use. Tell me you want the "little white pill", because how many could there be?

6. Be vague. The less you tell me, the better I am able to help you. It's even better if you can't verbalize your problem. For example, saying you need something for itchy teeth really helps me. It also gives me something to share with other pharmacists.

7. Roll your eyes at me and complain when I tell you there is a back log of at least 30 mins. This won't, in any way, affect how quickly I process your prescription. Even better, ask me if it's ready every 5 minutes. If you're lucky I won't keep your prescription and make you wait even longer.

8. Yell at me when you don't have refills on a medication you take every single day. It's not like your health is your responsibility. Also, complain when we have to call the doctor for the refills. It's a big myth that prescription medications have to be ordered by the doctor.

9. When you drop off a prescription that ends with item number 9, make sure you come back in 10 minutes to pick it up. Mistakes made due to hurrying shouldn't do you any harm. This is where that staring and eye rolling come in handy. Add in that "is it ready?" every 5 minutes may make me hit the Valium bottle though.

10. Come in and tell me you want the same thing the doctor gave you last week. It was a sample? You need a prescription for it. Yes, really. You do. Yes, I'm sure.......go away.

11. Tell me you need something to help you sleep, for example, and it should only cost $2.00. You won't pay a cent more. Very helpful, thank you.

12. Come to the pharmacy with a bladder infection/stye/oozing wound (pick one) and ask for something over the counter to cure it. When that fails ask for some sulfa tablets because that's what the doctor gave you last time. Hmmmm...what was that about doctors ordering prescriptions?

13. Now, about those over the counter cures. Yes, there is a cure for anything you have available over the counter. We, the pharmacists and even the doctors, are just hiding them from you so have to see the doctor and get the prescriptions from us. It's a secret society and we even have a special handshake.

14. Expose a previously covered area of your body and ask "Does that look normal to you?" or "What do you think that is?" I am not a doctor, believe it or not. And that question is precisely the reason I went into pharmacy. Please cover that up. I have to go sit down now.

15. Get your prescription elsewhere (because they are closer or their professional fee is less) and then come to me for the service and advice. It's not like our patients pay for that service or anything. Remember, you get what you pay for.

16. And, because I wear a lab coat I know everything. Yes, I think that hair colour would look good on you. Sure, mix the red and the blond. What's the worse thing that could happen?

Wow, that's a long list and it's only been one day back from holidays. I think I need another one. Maybe I should go lie down now. More thoughts later.