h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Existence: a brief summary

And then it happened. A single molecule, smaller than even theory could conceive, was created. To explain how would take all of infinity, yet only one second of clarity.
Through the years, species have tried in vain to explain how this could have happened, but none of the theories were even close to the reality. Theories of creators (usually referred to as gods, but sometimes as simply sentient species), an infinite cycle, or simply accident had been created, but they all missed one belief- the inspiration of creation by the molecule itself.
Long ago, before time even had a name, the nothingness of infinity was getting bored, so it decided it would try for something different (you see, the essence of life and intelligence exists inside everything, even nothing). The nothingness decided there had to be more than nothing in the universe, and the predictability of nothing was simply boring. So, this "essence" of life tried to search through the entitirity of nothingness to find something-anything. Until they discovered that it was impossible that anything could exist in nothingness, the search continued. But then, after billions of years of thinking, the essence found out that if nothing exists, then nothing must be something, and at this second of recognition, logic caught up, and created a particle.
Nothing became very annoyed, and a fierce battle between nothingness and somethingness occurred. But something had the upper hand- every time nothingness was destroyed, something was created, and thanks to this nothingness surrendered, and decided to just stay in the places were something didn't exist. Over time, something developed, and formed basic elements. Then stars formed, closely succeeded by planets, and then followed by containers for life, known as cells, which developed into smarter species.
Unfortunately, there was a bit of a problem with one species, known as man. Nothingness tried to expand, and took up space it find inside the human intelligence centre. It destroyed much-needed cells, so mankind grew without the knowledge of why it existed, why it developed in such ways, and why the hell they had such a desire to state the obvious. This lead to terrible problems, with different views causing wars, uprisings and National lampoon movies. Mankind strived to destroy these problems, but in doing so caused more pain, horror and national lampoon movies. However, by a freak accident involving several million power plants, mankind avoided a destructive galactic ice age, leaving it as the dominant species in the galaxy. All that was left in the universe was humans, several unfortunate UFOs, wish you were here cards from proxima centauri, and a lot of empty planets.
When mankind realised it was now alone in the universe, this caused great chaos, and after a long time of recovery, some academics realised principles which had been lost for billions of years. One scientist discovered that by simply moving backwards at speeds of the opposite of light speed, they could go back in time and pollute more planets, saving more species from extinction by ice age, which allowed the existence of more species in the universe, calming down the idiots.
This lead to a great increase in support for pollution again, and the earth was poisoned further until some idiot with more nuclear capacity than sense thought "if we can save ourselves by polluting, nuking earth would surely make life even better". Once more, logic caught up with man again, and every one died. Thankfully, a handful of scientists were saving tau ceti V at the time, and survived. They had enough power in their sock-drawer cum time machine to move to a habitable planet and set up home. Their new planet, which they called Haven (which translates from ancient beetleguesian as "the one with less holes"), was rich in resources, and those first 5 explorers bred a new society in the stars. This civilisation was bred with the teachings that if you want to do something impossible, then do it quickly- logic is a quick worker. Thanks to this, the entire planet moved through space at twice the speed of light from star to star, attempting to find any other survivors from earth. Within 80 thousand years, they found that even if someone had survived, they were most probably dead. So, seeking comfort, the humans created clones of them, and built up a great empire of clones.
Unfortunately, some idiots, who found an old video collection from earth, hijacked terra 2's third moon, sputnik, and all terra 2's supplies of black paint, silver and glue. They continued to move throughout the galaxy, for thousands of years, sticking big black rectangular boxes on the surface of each planet, until one day they fell into a black hole, and ended up on Jupiter without suits or food, and a strange message saying "serves you right". Thanks to man's capacity to learn from their mistakes, they eradicated the gene for stupidity, and replaced it with a niceness gene, which prevented any more wars or national lampoon movies.
Without this advanced tribe of idiots, mankind prospered again and became an economic utopia. With each advancing year, the people of terra 2 longed for a return to earth, and in the following decades mankind rebuilt earth. For millions of years, mankind lived in harmony, until on a Wednesday in July, when another ice age came. This unspoilt earth was destroyed, but man was happy- they remembered that by dying, they became nothing, and would exist forever, and they encouraged everything to destroy itself. So everything became nothing once again, and nothing was happy once more.

Epic

in a good way?
you think i should submit it?

Yes and yes