h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

THE OTLEY RUN 2001
An external excursion from the
JONPAUL(GEORGEANDRINGO)
FEST 2001

For the entertainment of the masses of people expected at the festival, we have arranged a number of excursions. This is the biggest off-site event planned. Numbers are strictly unlimited so sign up early and get a good seat.
One of the enduring images of our time is that of the drunken man vomiting outside a kebab shop at midnight on a weekend. The reasons for this can be many, poisoned food, hearing a song by popular beat combo Westlife, seeing a man bugger a heron, are just some of the usual excuses. But the main reason for this regurgitation of sweaty ‘animal’ meat is alcohol. Alcohol is the major social lubricant of our time and, consumed in reasonable quantities can make for an exciting evenings entertainment. In recognition of this We, at JONPAUL(GEORGEANDRINGO), have organised a route by which many different pubs will be visited. This is going to be known as the OTLEY RUN!!!!!!

Those of an unfit disposition should not fear, we are neither going to Otley or running, this is the name given to a pub crawl along the famously pubified public highway known as Otley road. There are many, many drinking establishments on this arterial route to the centre of the bustling metropolis of Leeds.

In keeping with the laissez-faire attitude to timings, popularised by the JONPAUL(GEORGEANDRINGO) festival proper, the beginning of this crawl may be anytime from 11am till 7pm. No bonus points are awarded for starting earlier. Regardless of start time the first location visited will be the popular Woodies ale house in headingley.(tel. Someone who cares, ask a f*****g local, all the pubs are on the same bloody road, if you cant find it you shouldn’t be here). There are no rules to this crawl, feel free to indulge in drinking games of any kind in any or all pubs. Whilst we are happy to have you believe that there are no rules, there are in fact a number of things which must be adhered to if you do not want to be disqualified:
1) you must never order soft drinks
2) absolutely no talking to strangers until your 4th pint (or WkD equivalent)
3) traffic cones are gregarious creatures which need much movement to feel truly fulfilled
4) bonus point for chatting up policemen
5) everyone must at some point drink:
i) lager
ii) Wkd iron brew
iii) Their mates drink coz it tastes a bit ‘off’
iv) The drink of a total stranger
v) Aftershock ( any colour)
vi) A ‘premium lager ( coz they can afford it
vii) Real ale

6) certain topics of conversation must be covered
i) the election
ii) how they would run the country better than those that do
iii) drink prices (key phrase” I cant believ how cheap/expensive this place iz)
iv) football
v) football
vi) sex
vii) ‘would you’
viii) football
ix) ‘mates for life’
x) sex
xi) gibberish

AT some point after 9pm a game of pint robbage will begin, no points are awarded for the basic levels of this game, anyone who gets into a fight over this game loses all there points, points are awarded for :
1) pint mugging
2) pint kidnapping
3) pint robbing drinks other than pints
4) pint robbing non-drink items of bar furniture
5) pint robbing small domestic appliances (kettles etc.)
6) pint robbing large domestic appliances ( e.g. TV, Fridge)
7) pint robbing buildings, this loosely involved getting a lock-in at a bar you have never been to before
Those who have been out all day will now begin to feel the first pangs of hunger. There are many fast food joints in the area, but it is not advisable to go to a nation-wide chain. They are staffed by soulless neon-lit zombified teenagers who would much rather be on the other side of the counter, giving drunken abuse in a variety of accents to the staff, than receiving it. They are therefore more likely to piss in your coke, w**k in your mayonnaise and dandruffise your chips. You are much more likely to get good food from the sleaziest looking burger joint. This is because the soulless neon-lit zombified teenage staff will also be pissed and speaking a variety of accents back to you, this ensures the food is burned rendering all bacteria dead.


The pub crawl will continue until one of the following happens.
i) the end of the road is reached
ii) you run out of money, card is refused by cash-point
iii) you are sent home by the police
iv) you fall asleep on a car bonnet
v) you find yourself in a strange part of town without your friends
vi) you are cautioned by the police for public order offences
vii) you get beaten up by bouncers for being Bruce lee on the dance floor
viii) you are arrested by the police for vandalism and urinating in public
ix) it becomes daylight, although, there are clubs open till late Sunday morning
x) you are arrested by special branch for organising an illegal political protest at early closing laws
xi) you somehow find yourself back at the main festival site with no recollection of where you’ve been since 9pm, carrying an aspidistras and a size54 FFF bra, naked
xii) you get apprehended by MI6 for suspected crimes against the crown
xiii) you find yourself on Derby train station at 3:30 am with no idea of how to get home
xiv) you’re shot by the army for an attempted coup in protest at early closing times
xv) everyone around you is speaking Swahili its very, very hot and covered in sand
xvi) the USA declares war against you for crimes against democracy
xvii) you get bored


ADDITIONAL INFO

Alcohol is a dangerous drug when consumed in large quantities
Know your limits and do not exceed them
Anyone found drinking absinthe will be placed in straitjacket for there own safety and to aid the recovery workers
Always mix the grape and the grain
Eating IS cheating