h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I want to buy some cheese. 

I recommend West Country mature from Safeway. Slightly crumbly but excellent, especially on Ryvita. Failing that, go for Gouda but only if it's covered in green wax - the orange stuff isn't worth it.

I used to like cheese.
Then I woke up one day and thought it was a bit...mmm
I suggest you go to a 'shop' at a small local dairy farm and buy some fresh unpasteurised cheese, it doesn't matter what sort, it'll be 1000 percent better than anything from a supermarket.

I tried that once. Went into Mellis, the posh cheesemonger to try some proper cheese. The bloke behind the counter was obviously the weirdo recently employed after the notice requiring someone with "a genuine interest in cheese" to apply was posted. Spotting me as a knowlessman, he proceeded to blither enthusiastically whilst pointing at lots of mould beneath the counter. The main thing I look for in cheese after the taste is the price - I would doubtless love to buy exotic cheese made with only the finest microbes but sometimes there just isn't the money. The stuff I got in the end wasn't anything to rave about and almost put me off Ryvita.

Avoid the posho farms like the plague. They tend to be run by people who made their money in the city then thought they'd try this living off the land lark. They are like 'The Good Life' except with Margo and Jerry running the show instead of Tom and Barbara.
If you have to get supermarket cheese, I recommend Wensleydale-with-Cranberries or Y-Fenni especially with fresh warm croissants.
Happy Shopper Mild Cheddar is the work of the devil. And the devil should stick to music, not cheese production.

I don't even touch the blue/white stripey stuff Mr Tesco provides in our hours of need. Halfway decent cheese or none. Mellis is a posh cheesemonger in the city - there's one in Edinburgh, one in GLasgow and probably a few more. They supply the wankier type of restaurant where the menu states that "the cheeses in our selection were produced from the finest well-educated and pretty cows living a thousand feet above the Clyde valley" blither blither and so forth. Cheese and wine are put together at parties for the reason that they are very alike. It's not a great device for suggesting sophistication, but there may well be people out there with cheese cellars, who will be breaking open a Tupperware of their finest Dorset Lumpy for the millennium. In the meantime the rest of us get something for £4 that is less classy but does the job for which it was bought.
I wouldn't dare go to a farm to buy cheese fresh from the cellar. They'd probably sell the stuff they were going to throw away after they spilt botulinum toxin on it when they spotted that you didn't have the slightest idea about proper cheese.

Is Y-fenni another sheep cheese? I can't remember seeing any cows when last I passed therethrough.

I'm pretty sure it's a cow-milk cheese as it has a texture close to that of Cheshire cheese. It's mixed with mustard seeds so it gives you a real mustard sting combined with a light fresh cheese taste.
Whether it actually comes from Y-Fenni or is just named after it, I dunno.
It could be as fake as the San Marco pizza brand for all I know.
You can deffo get it in Sainsburys or Waitrose.
Anyway I guess I'm a hypocrite as I love eating a fresh white roll with a mini Babybel processed-to-plasticity thing.

Safeway value cheese spread and Ryvita. Otherwise, anything with a [5] flavour rating grated over corned beef hash with tomato ketchup.

I'm sorry I asked...

You didn't ask, you just said so we all felt duty bound to prevent you getting something you might regret.

Agreed.

But you can't beat a stilton thats steeped in port, the kind that gives you gout just by looking at it.

What I'd like is for someone to make a machine that takes the mouldy bits out of stilton. The cheese would then be edible and you'd have some handy natural fungal hallucinogen in a more concentrated form.

if that's your bag, then simply follow the sheep in September, and bag yourself some psylocybins