h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

the underground is an ingenous device that lets us travel underneath the very steet of london at a super slow speeds, in total confusion, in a miasmic stinking cloud and with total stranger who avoid eye-contact in fear of someone mistaking it for some sexual come-on. Even married couple and best-mates of 20years turn to face away from each other and act as if there were total strangers. anyone even whispering is considered mad or foriegn and is a faux par oh the highest magnitude in britsh culture.

However madly and maze like the underground seems to be, it is in fact delibratly designed this way. As pointed out in other part of the guide the earth was created by mice and the creation of the underground is in fact a plot by mice to exact revenge for years of experimenting on mice to see if they can find the centre of the mazes. Just to prove how clever mice are, they can flawlessly find the piece of cheese at the centre of any maze with there eyes shut. Even more clever is the invention of a maze so brilliant you can never ever get to where you want to and if you do you will be late, it is called the London Underground. There is rumoured to be a central point to the underground containing a large pot of gold and just proving how stupid humans are noone has yet found it. If you see a mouse on the underground it is probably planning a new piece of maze or having a good laugh.
After years of running round mazes in human experiments the minds of mice are now finely attuned to mazes and not content with the design of the underground they have designed a new maze on the grandest of scales and this is now reffered to as the M25

The Underground Mouse - Dirtius Lightfooticus is a hardy breed of mouse. Black of fur, eye, ear, tail and foot they scurry along the Tube lines fighting for hamburger wrappers, crisp packets, and any remains from Pret a Manger (though the latter usually applies to mice on the more affluent West London lines). Far better entertainment than any of the buskers (Crappius Oasisvariationos) let the mice ease your fury as you wait (and wait) for your connecting train. They can do excellent squeak battles, race against death as the tube thunders into the station, but even better (and surely soon to be made illegal?) is mouse-baiting. Chuck a bit of food down to a pack of hungry buggers as they scamper around the live rail, and watch the carnage. Who will be the victor?!?!
If you think you see Tube mice on any of the above-ground Northern line stations however, you are probably mistaken. They are much more likely to be commuters to Central London hurling themselves to death in frustration.

MUCUS is the future.

http://www.h2g2.com/P122077

This came from Fortean Times - so need I say more

"There are rats, needless to say; in the popular imagination these are not common Rattus rattus known from all the alarming rat-plague reports, but "monstrous" or "killer" rats of phenomenal size, intelligence and ferocity. They are planning a James Herbert-style blitzkrieg and the victims of it will be you and me.

Then again there are the sewer-pigs, if the rats haven't eaten them; I believe that some Londoners still talk of them, even if they can't entirely believe in them."

I've never heard of sewer pigs, but then who believes anything they read in The Fortean Times!!

for more on tube animals visit my page

http://victorian.fortunecity.com/finsbury/254/tubeanimals.html