h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So you have got to the staions, you have made it through the barriers, you haven't been given a penalty fine - there is really just a few more things you need to know.
1) Dont try your luck with the train doors. They close without warning and they are merciless with any objects that become caught. Don't rely on warnings - the doors have usually started to close by the time they start.
2) You must learn to decipher the PA Announcments. Here are the basic translations:
MIThh the GAhh = Mind the Gap
Plith sta clee of the clopthie doo = Please stand clear of the closing doors.
Thith trn wi noo stoip abbroltluy - this train will now stop abrubtly. (Dont worry too much about this one, by the time you it starts you will already of stopped)

Then you have to work out the signs on the front of the train. If a northern line train says it is going to Morden, it is certainly going to terminate at Tooting Broadway. If it says terminates at Tooting Broadway it will probably terminate several stops earlier at Kennington. Never assume that because the front of the train says it is going to a certain place or taking a certain branch line that it will. The front of train signs are for the staff's amusement only..

You people can talk, I'm still sitting here waiting for my circle line train.

Those are announcements!
I always thought they were wiring faults.

;^)#

I had to use the underground about a year ago, it was the first time I'd used it for about 30 years, I couldn't believe how noisy it was. I got off with a right head ache, Anyone who uses it every day will surely end up being deaf. the DB must be less at a rock concert. as for PA Announcements I couldn't hear myself think.

I totally agree. Half the time the trains are too noisy to actually hear the announcements. YOu can just hear the faint sound of a voice, but then its gone. You cant decipher it at all. But you shouldn't really pay any attention to them anyway - half of them are wrong. They haven't been updated for a few years apparantly. By the way - did anyone know that the old "MIND THE GAP" BBC Voice style recording is over 60 years old?

Best PA announcement I know of was reported by Time Out as having been said at Camden Town:
"The next train on platform 2 will be Thomas The Tank Engine."
followed by two minutes of chuff-chuff noises.

-- Yoz

This is one of the best, from Colin Young who visited the guestbook of my site "Going Underground".

One Sunday afternoon at Camden town station - which gets very crowded indeed due to the Camden Lock market - I heard the platform announcer giving the usual 'Please let the passengers off the train first' request. He repeated this request about four or five times becoming more audibly frustrated each time with the customers obvious reluctance to do so. After his final exasperated and rather shrill 'let the passengers off the train FIRST!' He gave up... 'Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.' Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station."

More ridiculous stations announcements can be found here:

http://victorian.fortunecity.com/finsbury/254/index.html#heroes

I always thought it was just the way people down south spoke spoke!!

One morning on the Waterloo & City line myself and my fellow "customers" were treated to the following announcement;

"Good morning ladies & gentlemen, welcome to the Waterloo & City line. Calling at: Betelgeuse, Alpha Centauri, Leeds, The Moon, Calcutta, Peckham, the planet Mongo, Alderaan, and Bank". This caused much hilarity and a few minutes later, another voice comes on the PA;

"This is the Waterloo & City line, this train will call at Bank. Thankyou".

I reckon it was either a PA sabateur or a disgruntled employee who couldn't give a fig. Whatever, it certainly brightened up my morning.

That's a great one! Did you follow the link?

one return to Alpha Centauri please

It'll be quicker than getting to Kennington from Archway at peak hours, that's for sure!

this was one i heard:

please stand clear of the closing doors. no, this does not mean you make a last minute dash to try and get onto the train...

combined with me overhearing a guard saying a few seconds later:

you know I just dont understand it. I've suggested putting nails into the sides of the doors, that would stop this late jumping on... but they rejected the idea.

put a smile on my face it did!

A couple of years ago, I got on a train from Waterloo to Teddington (main line). There was this guy opposite me who put his feet up on the seat. Fair enough, I think. About 30 secs later, a message comes over the PA; "This is a reminder to all customers, please do not put your feet up on the seats". Now, the guy looks startled, but doesn't remove his feet. As the train is leaving Vauxhall, there is a second announcement; "Will customers PLEASE REFRAIN from putting their feet up on the seats". Now this time, the guy isn't worried at all, until straight after the announcement, comes this one; "Will the genteleman in the last carriage PLEASE remover his feet from the seats". Well, I fell about laughing and he finally removed his feet from the seats and looked extremely sheepish. That was a good day.

ROTFL!

A friend of mine from France bought one of the 'mind the gap' t-shirts with the underground sign because he found it so amusing. It seems that in France 'mind the gap' is an AIDS warning!