h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oh yes. Forget honesty and integrity, sometimes you just have to. I mean, when my best friend gets a truly awful haircut, because she's a GOOD friend I can tell her that it's...eerm...probably going to be better when it grows out. And because I'm a GOOD friend, she says, yeah mate, you're probably right. But when the person in front of you at the bus stop starts chatting away like they've known you forever and asks your opinion on their brand-new tent..sorry, dress...in a fetching shade of puke green...Well, it's all a matter of taste, isn't it? I mean, she probably really likes it! So I'm hardly going to offer my very inexpert opinion when she asks me to....Oh no. I'm going to lie. Through my teeth. Sometimes, you just have to.

Hi stupid girl, (it seems so rude to say that -- can't I just call you "keeper of all thingummies, wotsits, and oojamerflips?). I'm 25 years old, 6'2", a bronze god, with just over 120 billion pounds in cash assets, and 3 times that in property and business concerns. I own a major record company, teach drivers ed in my part-time and yes.... some lies are just too blatent.
But I know what you mean... I tell my boss I don't mind at all when I'm asked to fill in for one of the on-air jocks when they're on holiday, when in truth it bothers me to no end. And when I have the bill collectors on the phone, trying to correct an error on my account, I'm always far sweeter in tone than I actually feel for fear that they'll end up charging me a "Plastic Rental Fee" on my credit card in addition to whatever ungodly charge I'm calling them about in the first place.
If people were totally honest, I doubt many of us would want to leave our homes. What a nice world this would be if MORE people lied.

D'oh, I was really enjoying that for a few moments there... thanks for brightening up my day, you can come and lie in my space any time! (Today, I'm double entendre girl!)
Call me stoop, but how can I possibly shorten your name to make it sound nice??
I think the most-repeated lie has to be "No, no, don't mind at all" (through gritted teeth!) And I really, really hate telling the truth to my boss when I'm calling in sick. Even when I'm genuinely ill, it's the principle of the thing, isn't it?

Since most stuff on the bottom of a shoe prompts a response like Ick! or Yuck! I guess I'll go with the one that sounds better to my ear, (and doesn't rhyme with vulgar slang for a sex act---in the event you decide to immortalize me in song some day).
Though I see a problem with Ick, now that I think about it.

How about this for the biggest lie we're all guilty of... in response to "How are you today?": "Fine", "ok" or "I'm good" when, in fact, you're none of those things, are having one of the worst days of your life, and would like nothing more than to curl up in the fetal position and whimper until someone makes it all better.

Ah, but here we also have a good example of lies making the world a better place...there's a woman where i work who, when you say 'Ey up, y'allright?' (as we do in good ol' Ilson) who always responds with a long, and I mean LONG list of woes and explanations as to why she is NOT allright...For pity's sake LIE, woman! Although I personally try to avoid that particular greeting...people who know me understand that when I ask them how they are, I'm genuinely concerned as to their health and well-being. Honest, guv.
Ah...just realised the probem with 'ick'...bit slow for double-entendre girl, I know. It's late. i'm insomniacal.

i am a cretan. and i am a liar.

I've met people like the woman you work with. I asked a fellow I worked with how he was once and he preceded to tell me how he came into being... from his parents courtship, to their coupling in the back seat of a '64 Ford Mustang, to his maturation and eventual birth. I tuned him out after his description of potty trainings gone bad around the age of three. Thereafter I always greeted him with a succinct "hi".

Don't blame you...sometimes I ask her anyway, cos it means that, to be polite, I have to stand and listen to her til she's finished, rather than do any work...I'm an excellent skiver when I'm not in the mood for doing much work..

I've often wondered how the "Woe is Me" folk would respond if everyone they met reacted to a "How are you?" with the same sort of long, drawn out, hard-luck stories they inflict upon others. It'd be fun to watch... but I doubt anyone would be getting ANY work done that day.

Um..don't know if I could stand it. I'm generally sympathetic and I've got endless patience (I look after elderly people, I need it!) But I'm usually quick to spot the hypochondriac, please-feel-sorry-for-me types, and for them, I have NO time!

Please help. I have this horrible pain in my oojamerflips. It's not going away, and it's started turning green. I think I hurt it when I was feeding squirrels in the park. I ran out of peanuts and was getting up to leave when I tripped over the leg of the bench. They were on me in seconds, gnawing, chattering, clawing. I tried beating them off, but there were too many of them, and for every one I knocked off, five more would take their place. I told my mommy about it, but she said it was all my imagination. I tried to explain that I don't have an imagination, (the milkman took it several months ago), but she said she wasn't my mother, and that if I didn't stop calling she was going to phone the police. I told her I'd already called the police, and they said they would send some men 'round, but there were some fellows in white coats who came instead so I ran away.
My oojamerflips real itch. I try not to pick at them but...

What exactly IS an/a oojamerflips anyway?

D'oh, I just posted here, and then the server disconnected me..It's busy right now, between 8 and 9, it'll be ok again soon...
See, I have this problem. I forget words/names for things, and have to refer to them as oojamerflips, thingys, wotsits etc...I say things like 'You need the oojamerflip to open the wotsername..'
It's wierd, cos when I'm writing/singing, my linguistic talents are quite good, but the rest of the time I annoy people by forgetting words and insisting they know what I mean.
...so now I'm wondering which part of your anatomy you've forgotten the name of..

Well now if I knew the name of it...

I think there are parts of the body that nobody should have a name for a thus reduce the consistency with which doctors mention them. I'm positve that they make them up as the go along.

Doctors, now THERE are true liers, (no offense to those with a degree covering that hole in your wall... and if my own doctor is reading this, I don't mean a word of it)
I'm secretly convinced--okay so NOW it's not so secret--that doctors don't really pay for their educations at all. They have their entire tuition financed by the pharmaceutical companies. Hence the long names for a condition that in laymen terms would be: "Nothing to be concerned about, it'll go away in a few days, but let's throw some drugs at it so my puppet masters will be pleased and I can charge you for another visit, then another after that to take care of the side effects this drug will cause you."
Okay, so maybe their medical terms save alot of writing. But who can read their writing anyway? Yeah I know. Pharmacists. MORE PUPPETS

Have you read "the puppet masters" It gave me the creeps for days!!

Nah, by who??? I thought I'd read everything!!!
..chuckle..
(DOWN!!! GERROFFF!!)
Sorry. Bloody squirrels.

Rob Heinlein. It's great, as is Stranger in a Stranger Land and The Day After Tomorrow, by the same author.