h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Over the past four weeks or so my cat Poplap has been having an escalating problem. It started as a small sore on her left temple; I went to the vet with her when it was still small and he said it was an allergy, and gave her meds for it. But over the next days it got worse. She exacerbated it by scratching it; then I noticed she was also scratching at the corner of her mouth. Anyways right at the time I had to take my car in for repairs. So I did not have a car for taking her to the vet. So anyways I waited and hoped it would get better but it didn't. At last I asked a friend to take her and me to the vet. So: the vet gave her more meds and asked that I should watch her a day or two. I specifically asked him about those collars one puts on them to prevent them from scratching and he said I should wait and see if it doesn't get better first. But almost immediatly upon me getting her home again she'd scratched herself raw so I hoofed it back to the vets to get her a collar. She's worn the collar since last Monday.

I do take it off every now and then, when I can watch her. The wounds have gradually healed - so it seemed - and today I wanted to see if she would scratch herself if I left it off while she played outside.

She did scratch herself. So ... it now seems she will wear the collar for another few days.

I am suicidal over this. I wish people could understand. This cat is pretty much all I have in my life. I don't have 'real' friends. My only family lives far away and apart from the distance they belong to a different world from me. Me and my cat share this silly little world, this tiny conrer of the planet that we have made into an alternate parallel world together, and we do care for each other. Poplap has been *my* cat for sixteen years now. She latched onto me soon after being born. I love her very much, she's just the dearest thing. You have never imagined a cat as sweet as she. She is tender-hearted. She doesn't kill mice or birds, she lies in the garden and just watches them. She comes to me for cuddles many times a day, and comes to sleep on my lap or on the chair next to me or on my bed or sometimes under the covers with me. This little living thing is able to love me. And I love her too. I know she is a wonderful living being and it makes me feel I am worthy to live that this wonderful living being is able to love me.

I have accepted responsibility for this cat. She is the only being in the world that really needs me. This is what keeps me from suicide. If I am gone, who would care for Poplap? She needs so much love and attention, and nobody else would willingly give it to her. She has lived knowing me for all her life, all her life I have been here for her and she could come and mew to me whenever she wanted to for any reason and I would comfort her. So she is a lifeline to me.

But now it seems I am failing her, I am not managing to keep her happy and healthy. Now I am thinking of letting her go, of trying to find someone who can take better care of her. Because in the end I have my failings ... I am a single, socially isolated, seriously mentally ill person with very little money. I have been fortunate that over the few years I've looked after Poplap on my own, no serious problems have arisen, but now it looks like one has and I don't know what to do. Because I am paranoid everything seems worse to me than it is. Then I try to combat my paranoia by trying to have trust, hope and faith. But for four weeks this has not worked and my cat has gotten worse even while I was watching her with extreme attention. This has consumed me with worry and interfered with my feeble ongoing attempts at having a meaningful life and producing something of worth. I don't know what to do. I have no-one that can help me, that can give me advice, that can understand my problem/s.

My cat is such a pretty thing and these sores on her face are disfiguring her ... and I am sure she knows and minds. And the collar I'm making her wear ... it breaks my heart to see the confusion, as she tries to make do with it, tries her everyday little activities ... after sixteen years she has a certain way of doing things and that is now upset and she is so puzzled, but she goes on with such resignation ... she *doesn't* struggle ferociously, she accepts this cross with which she'd been burdened with such meekness but all the while I can see she's wondering why, what is going on? And that breaks my heart.

I wonder if normal people could understand just how flimsy and tattered the lifeline could be from which a seriously mentally ill person dangles every single day. This cat is my lifeline ... if I let her go or lose her I shall be in serious, serious danger of suicide. More serious than I am already, and this year alone I've attempted suicide three times. Not with a full heart, though, since I stil had her ... each and every time I was thinking, 'what about Poplap?' and that and perhaps only that is why I am still here ...

I'm sorry Poplap isn't well, Willem. I hope with all my heart that she gets better soon.

I've never had one have to wear one of those collars, but it's a very good idea if they're scratching.

I wish I could offer better advice, but please realise that Poplap appreciates you just as you appreciate her. That's a precious gift. I'm grateful for animals every day.

oh Willem, I knew you were anxious and upset about Poplap but not that you were feeling such anguish.

I know it is difficult to see Poplap with a collar on, and of course she would rather not have it but honestly this is upsetting you way more than it is her.

You have being doing a great job of taking care of her, I know that from our conversations. Since you have been to the vets the second time Poplap has been getting better. She has had a setback and that is disheartening for you but there is no reason that I can see that she shouldn't get better again.

You are not failing her, she wouldn't want to be with anyone else and no-one could care for her better than you have.

I'm worried for you, that it is only Poplap that has stopped you from making 'full hearted' attempt at suicide and the number of attempts you have made this year. Right now I don't really know what to say about that.

So in the meantime I just hope that you can can trust me enough to take some reassurance that you are doing right by Poplap.

Willem, it seems to me that you are doing just fine for Poplap, but not so well for yourself.

I do hope that your feelings are out of proportion since your cat is so very important to you, and that she recovers soon.

If your financial circumstances were not so tight then the answer I guess most people would give is to get another cat as company for you both and another focus for you now and in the future, but I guess feeding another one might be prohibitive?

You know love expands to fit and you could have another companion which would give you a purpose beyond your own existence. Giving another animal a happy and secure home would be very worthwhile.

I hope your fears are unfounded but it is something which will have to be faced eventually, but truly it is not the end of the world, though it must feel like it just now.

Keep in touch, and please try to banish the bad thoughts. You may not have 'real life' friends but there are many people here who would be devastated if you gve up. You have so much to offer the world and it would be a wicked waste



Websailor

Hi folks and thanks for the messages. I'm still worried about my kitty. I *don't* like her having to wear the collar at all ... and it is an enormous strain on me, having to watch her constantly and still trying to keep up the activities I need for justifying my life. I still feel I'm failing her. And I don't have an answer for my suicidalness ... she *is* a reason right now for me not going through with it when I get the idea of doing it ... so without her I would *not* have that disincentive any more. It is simple: the chance of me actually going through with a suicide attempt is going to go up enormously if she is gone. At the same time because I'm failing her I will not trust myself with another pet if she is gone. Also: my finances being dismal I can't afford another pet anyways. I can't really afford *her* for that matter. The vet charges very much for appointments, medicine etc. and even buying pet food is expensive for me.

I don't really have good chances in life ... realistically, I cannot really continue living. I really don't fit into my own society, my society doesn't really want me around, and at the same time, I can't really exist on my own, I really do need help for basic survival things, which I'm not getting. I am in extremely deep 'life debt' at the moment ...

Willem, things look bad at the moment, but I am sure they will improve. You are NOT failing Poplap, she could not have a more loving caring owner, so stop beating yourself up.

I am sure you are wrong about people not wanting you around. Do you ever think what your very caring, loving parents would say to you when you are feeling like this? I am sure they would be very supportive. Some people I know have never even had caring parents.

Keep in touch.

Websailor

Here's hoping Poplap's feeling better today. And here's double-hoping you are, too, buddy.

I don't want to sound dorky about it, but you now, I've just been getting your next set of paintings ready for Colours of Wildlife. And while I'm doing the little administrative things that need doing, I suddenly stop and think, 'Hey! I really enjoy looking at these. I feel privileged to get to handle them. I may not be able to draw a lick, as they say around here, but I have a friend who can. I'm glad he lets me share in the experience.'

Now, that may not sound like much, but I'm a great believer in the Bible, which says, 'Despise not the day of small things.'

Do I know how it can hurt when things pile up? Ask me yesterday. I wasn't feeling at all well then. I had those 'Oh, God, why am I here?' times all day. I decided I'd better give it to the angels and plough on.

Sorry if this isn't very helpful, but I wanted to say thank you again. That caterpillar is so cool. (The rest of you will have to wait two weeks to see it.)