h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi people! After a bit of an absence here on h2g2, I'm back again! I've not really been away, except for a few days a couple of weeks ago when we visited my sister Maryke, her husband Jakobus and their boy Christiaan. He's such a lovely kid! Almost a year old now.

And that brings me to this:

I also want to have a kid! I realy, really, really want to have one!! At least one ... preferrably many!

I guess before I can have a child, I need something like a girlfriend first.

But how do I get a girlfriend??

I've never had anything remotely resembling a girlfriend. I've had, so far, a grand total of *one* date with a member of the opposite sex. It didn't go far. I've not even kissed a girl, romantically, yet.

There are so many questions:

Am I an OK-enough guy for a girl?

I'm not very good-looking or sexy. I'm not rich, I'm not stylish or classy. I'm not suave or debonaire. I'm not someone who 'lives on the edge'. I'm not very spontaneous or adventurous.

I *am* a bit unusual. Weird. But weird in a good way, or in a bad way, or simply in a weird way?

Something that may not have come across here on h2g2 very much ... I actually *do* have a sense of humor. I'm quite witty, but not very much in English, more in my own language, Afrikaans. In my own language I make lots of jokes when speaking to people.

I do have a good mind. I'm intelligent and intellectually creative. I'm rather artistic, and I enjoy a broad range of different kinds of art. Music as well! I enjoy styles of music from classic to rock. I'd actually like to learn a bit more about contemporary music since much of my taste has become a bit stuck in the eighties and nineties of the previous century.

I like dancing - close, fast dancing of the kind we do here in South Africa, called 'Sokkie'.

Romantic? I think so ... but in an unconventional way. I will do unusual 'special' things for the one I love.

Do I have enough? Do I have what it takes? Do I have anything a girl would be interested in?

Then there's my mental problems. Would any girl be willing to take a risk on a guy who's got a condition such as paranoid schizophrenia? I must say though, the disease is, at the moment, under very good control. I've not been badly paranoid in quite a while and also not delusional. When's the last time any of you witnessed me being paranoid or delusional here on h2g2? But I do have to take medication and I still have lots of unresolved 'issues'. I do *not* think that any of these issues would necessarily seriously disrupt a potentially serious relationship ... but still, I'm very wary. I think, mostly, I'm putting off starting a serious relationship because of doubting my own mental 'togetherness' ...

Am I ready for a relationship???

What kind of girl would I go for?

Primarily, one that loves me! But she needs to understand 'me', what she's letting herself in for. She must be clear-headed and sure that she's willing to take me on. I don't want that she should go for me initially and then at some point be horribly surprised when she discovers what I'm really like.

Well, I would say that anyone who can write such a clear & honest description of how you see yourself only now has one problem.

WHERE to post this so as to reach nice ladies who it is possible to actually meet in "real life"?

, you surely deserve it. "She" is out there somewhere, it's just a question of finding her!

zdt

There are many open minded people now in this world who will learn about your mental problems and be patient with you when it gets bad. You must communicate though, tell her whats going on, tell her when it gets bad so she knows it isn't her (we are all paranoid afterall!).

If she tries and then leaves, don't give up, as that means she wanted to try and be with you, but couldn't face the roblems in the end. Its still a compliment, something to learn from, another relationship to treasure.

Never give up, be open and honest.

Sometimes if may seem that too much honesty puts women off, don't worry about them, they were never right for you anyway. Don't give all te details of your problems too soon, the woman needs to know that you are worth the effort first. You can hint and say that you will tell her more later, but don't want to bore her now. That will give you an opportunity to gauge her possible reaction to 'serious' stuff.

Good luck and let us know how it goes, there are enough people here who will be able to help, between us we must have experienced everything.

Sure you can Willem
There is not only somebody out there for everyone I believe there are several

You can do it for sure!
The biggest part is getting yourself out there to meet women.
And being brave with a bit of thick skin to get past the *wrong women.

In fact having special issues can clear out the bad ones faster! It does nothing to drive off the ones *you'd* like to be with. I have found it's a useful filter in some ways

I have no doubt you can find somebody!
I have no doubt there are women out there with the same questions and desires and interest in the priorities you have.

>Am I an OK-enough guy for a girl?

I'm not very good-looking or sexy. I'm not rich, I'm not stylish or classy. I'm not suave or debonaire. I'm not someone who 'lives on the edge'. I'm not very spontaneous or adventurous.

I *am* a bit unusual. Weird. But weird in a good way, or in a bad way, or simply in a weird way?<

Willem, you are extremely OK-enough a guy for a girl, the right girl. You are possessed of individuality, flair, and your own sense of personal "style", which any woman worth her salt will desire, respect, and admire greatly. You are intelligent, articulate, and passionate, qualities which are hard to find in a person. You are unusual in a very good way, not in an "off-putting" kind of weird way at all. You are considerate, empathetic, sensitive and kind. You're engaging and interesting to talk with.

As for "living on the edge", or what you think is lack of spontaneity or a sense of adventure (which I don't think is the case, I've read your entries about your nature hikes and such, they are very adventurous and spontaneous!), some people actually appreciate a certain level of security, predictability, and peace and quiet. I know I certainly do!

>Something that may not have come across here on h2g2 very much ... I actually *do* have a sense of humor. I'm quite witty, but not very much in English, more in my own language, Afrikaans. In my own language I make lots of jokes when speaking to people.<

I find you to be both very funny and extremely witty, and in English! Not everyone can appreciate it, I'm sure, I have the same problem. But in a way that's a good thing- it helps filer out a lot of people you're not compatible with!

>I do have a good mind. I'm intelligent and intellectually creative. I'm rather artistic, and I enjoy a broad range of different kinds of art. Music as well! I enjoy styles of music from classic to rock. I'd actually like to learn a bit more about contemporary music since much of my taste has become a bit stuck in the eighties and nineties of the previous century.<

All of this is very, very true. It's part of what makes you so interesting, and one of many reasons that I like you!

>Romantic? I think so ... but in an unconventional way. I will do unusual 'special' things for the one I love.<

I think that is VERY romantic!

>Then there's my mental problems. Would any girl be willing to take a risk on a guy who's got a condition such as paranoid schizophrenia? I must say though, the disease is, at the moment, under very good control. I've not been badly paranoid in quite a while and also not delusional. When's the last time any of you witnessed me being paranoid or delusional here on h2g2? But I do have to take medication and I still have lots of unresolved 'issues'. I do *not* think that any of these issues would necessarily seriously disrupt a potentially serious relationship ... but still, I'm very wary. I think, mostly, I'm putting off starting a serious relationship because of doubting my own mental 'togetherness' ...<

I think that anyone who got to know you well enough to really and truly love you would be able to cope with your condition, with any lapses, with your "issues". It would be unrealistic to expect someone who'd never experienced them to wholly relate to or fully understand them, but I am sure the right girl would stand by your side and help see you through, no matter how scary things might seem sometimes. Loving ANYONE is a huge risk, but genuine love means taking a person on and accepting all of them. And I'm confident you'll meet a girl who can see that you're worth it.

>Am I ready for a relationship???

What kind of girl would I go for?

Primarily, one that loves me! But she needs to understand 'me', what she's letting herself in for. She must be clear-headed and sure that she's willing to take me on. I don't want that she should go for me initially and then at some point be horribly surprised when she discovers what I'm really like.<

I think we're all afraid of having someone around who likes us initially but then somewhere down the road "finds out what we're really like", and then is horrified or disappointed later. I know I am. And I've epxperienced it more than once. From what I know of you, Willem, you are unpretentious and honest, and you let your true self shine through in everything you do. You don't, as Kaz says, want to give up too much, too soon. But I don't see how anyone could spend time with you and see, later down the road, a vastly different person than the one they initially met. I find you to be too straightforward and honest to have to worry about that.

There is the risk of becoming boring to a person- one of my other fears with relationships. I'm still afraid of that now. And I'm in a relationship with someone who's afraid of that as well, in addition to "aggravating" me past the point of my tolerance (which is, apparently, greater than that of most people). I think that when that happens, it's perhaps because the person never really got to know you at all, and rather tried to fit you into a mold, an ideal, of what they thought you should be (I've been through this as well), as opposed to truly loving and also liking you, for who you are!

You'll find the right girl, Willem, I am sure of that. And when you do, sparks will fly, you'll feel very comfortable and happy. And you'll find all of the things you're looking for, and more!

wow!

Hello everybody who answered - Terri, Kaz, Abbbi, Psychocandy and Vixen!

First thanks for votes of confidence. I think, if I really tried, I *could* be a good guy for a girl. The right girl that is!

Suppose I meet a girl ... what sort of things do I do? Just go with the flow? Listen to what she says? Respond appropriately *without* seeming to try and 'impress' her? What would a woman be on the lookout for when on the first date with a guy? What would she find to be a sign that a relationship *might* be worth pursuing ... what would she find to be a sign that this would be doomed from the very start?? I mean, a first date is usually such a brief thing ... so little time, either to find out what the other person is like, or to try and present your own 'true self' to the other person ...

Oh ... Psychocandy, thank you very much for your long and thoughtful comments! And also I want to wish you well with your own relationship ... a budding relationship seems to be such a tender, fragile thing ... one becomes afraid of the slightest little thing that might disturb or destroy it. I think this is something I am quite afraid of... to have, in my mind, this vision of how wonderful a certain thing can become, and then to see all these potential problems that might turn the dream into a nightmare ...

I would suggest:

1) try not to predict/plan too much in advance, it's not a film script!

2) Don't worry too much about an actual "date" type scenario, in my experience you usuually just "meet" someone whilst doing something else, more often than not, the fact you are both there means you have a shared interest & so conversation just comes naturally. If the "spark" is there & you then ask her (or vice versa of course!) out for a meal or something a bit more formal then...

3)maybe start by complimenting her on something, not necessarily just her appearance, but some aspect of herself that you genuinely admire. Ask her about her opinion on stuff, use "open ended" questions & really listen! It's a rare person who is genuinely interested enough to actually listen & you will find conversation flows quite naturally if you remember that THEY are also feeling nervous, so if you try & put them at ease, you show you are caring & as a side effect don't have time to be so nervous yourself!

4) SMILE!!!! (obviously not continually, but in general appear happy to be with her...it tends to be contagious!)

I am sure you will be fine. Don't necessarily think the first lady you "date" is going to become "the one", just enjoy their company as a friend & see what happens.

IF you run out of things to talk about, just start talking about all the friends you have here on h2g2!!!

zdt

>Suppose I meet a girl ... what sort of things do I do? Just go with the flow? Listen to what she says? Respond appropriately *without* seeming to try and 'impress' her? What would a woman be on the lookout for when on the first date with a guy? What would she find to be a sign that a relationship *might* be worth pursuing ... what would she find to be a sign that this would be doomed from the very start?? I mean, a first date is usually such a brief thing ... so little time, either to find out what the other person is like, or to try and present your own 'true self' to the other person ...<

Yes, I say just go with the flow! When you respond to things naturally, without *trying* to perform or impress or any of that stuff, I think it makes a much better impression. My guy was a friend for a very long time before we had our first date, so I already knew it was worth pursuing, but it's still really cool to just really "connect" with a person, and to continually discover ways in which you do.

But if you don't "connect", you'll see that much sooner, and save everyone a lot of aggravation, if no one is trying *too* hard to impress, or to be the kind of person the other person will like. Do you know what I mean?

I think the only way to tell, from a first date, that things won't work out at all, is when two people can clearly see right away that they have absolutely nothing in common. Unfortunately, it usually takes a lot longer than one date to figure that out.

You're welcome for the things I said, Willem. I meant them from the bottom of my heart.