h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well I've stepped it up again. I can now call myself a Randonneur 1000 which means I can (and have) claim a special badge off Audax UK. This means I've completed rides of 100 km, 200 km and 300 km plus others to a total distance of 100 km.
Actually since January I have now done a 150 km ride, 2 x 200 km rides, a 300 km ride and now, since yesterday morning I can say I've completed a 400 km ride. This year's Audax UK national 400 km event.

Most of there calendar events take place from the same place each year. The national 400 km is the exception in that it's one of their showpiece events and so it moves around from year to year. It is very well catered (unlike their so-called X-rated events were you must feed yourself). So it's billed as a touch-feely audax with a benign course suitable for beginners to this distance. So, perfect I thought - that'll do me for a 400 k.

Only trouble was it only lived up to that billiing in some respects.

So we began at 9 am on Saturday 15th June with fine weather at Ash Thomas just outside Tiverton in Devon. Forecast was not good though with heavy showers and strong winds forecast. These duly arrived in spades more or less the moment we set off.
But hey, we're long distance cyclists, if you're going to that then you can expect to cycle in terrible weather from time to time. No such thing as bad weather only innapropriate clothing. So with spirits high I rode with some of the leading riders. If I hadn't gone off route a couple of times I think I might even have been the first rider to the first control point at Carhampton in Minehead. At that control I lost my claim of never having had cake at an Audax (most of them like their cake ). Moving swiftly on I joined with the current audax points champion, a chap by the name of Mike Lane. His is a sad story, he was run over by a bus a few years back and has lost his short term memory. So he has carers in-house and cannot work. Hence his ability to cycle truly epic miles - either that or turn into a vegetable at home he says himself and fair enough. He has a Garmin SatNav to get him through the rides. I get 4 points for completing the 400 km ride (1 point for each 100 km in integers, starting at 2 for 200k). His points total for this year is 157 so far!!! So not only am I feeling pretty pleased at living with his pace but am getting full on respect from the guy. Rather embarrassingly a conversation started at control 2 (Hadspen) where him and a couple of others were marvelling at the power I could generate. I'm a much larger chap than them y'see. Typically cyclists (male) will weight in at 60 kg or so. My current 10ish kg is not what you see on the race boys if you look.
So I'm bursting with pride and confidence all the way to the halfway point at Chepstow - the 200 km mark. On a 200 km ride you're dead by this point as it's the end but psychology is a funny thing. On a 300 km or 400 km ride, because you're mentally geared up for a longer ride you don't feel it anywhere near so much.
A warning of what was to come later transpired just before the third control prior to Chepstow (Peasedown St John in Bath) where the gradient display on my Garmin appeared to show an approaching singularity. And lo, just before the control was a mother of a downhill followed by a Daddy of an upslope. My plan of making all the climbs on this 'benign' route ended here as I got off and walked the most severe section to avoid what felt like and impending knee injury,
After Chepstow though, the ride of two halves began to switch to the second, not so great half. I was tiring now, we'd been on the road for about 9 hours and I hung off the back of the group until we reached the final daylight control at Kingswood - here is me eating something - that's me with the blue Met helmet on the floor next to me http://www.flickr.com/photos/30501545@N08/9057351812/in/set-72157634146014548
That's just about the last I saw of any of those guys I was sat with until the end - or as they sailed past me late on. I donned my night gear, night vision trousers along with that yellow jacket, base layer and lights and headed off ahead of those guys into darkening skies intending to stick with a group for the night leg. 150 km to go with only one control in between (a return to Hadspen). My Garmin satnav had given me reason to mistrust it and so I didn't fancy trusting to it alone plus I was aware that night riding on an audax is pschologically tough and didn't want to do it alone. On my 300 k ride last month I made sure I got the night leg out of the way first so that I could do it with fresh legs and fresh mind. I found out in the early hours of Sunday morning just how mentally tough this game can be. And now to reveal what was wrong with the billing of this ride. It was *far* from benign. There had been some tough hills at times already but only the one that actually defeated me but could live with that. The climbing was mostly done right? Wrong. The leg between Kingswood and Hadspen was a brutal tough grimpeur. Rolling hills of narrow tracks in woodland with no light included very steep climbs followed by nasty dangerous descents and they seemed endless. I lost the group I left kingswood with after a while as I began to feel the need less and less to ride up the steep slopes and started walking section after section. I joined another group and lost them too. Eventually by about midnight I was on my own and suffering badly, not helped by the lack of company.
At about 2 am I stopped at a 24 garage to get a cup of coffee and replenish my water supply. I was here approached by a couple of policemen who had seen 'loads' of cyclists up the road at Nunney and were wondering what on earth was going on. They thought we were racing - when I explained what we were actually doing you could see that they thought we were all insane. They just wanted us to be safe though so it was quite a pleasant meeting and good to see someone was looking out for us.
I eventually lost the plot trying to find Hadspen, the final control. Between the routesheet and the Garmin I wasn't sure at about 3 am whether it was nearby or if I'd gone past and was found by a group of cyclists including the guy who'd given me the lift to the start from Cardiff. Apparently I was just slumped over the handlebars but actually I was just studying my Garmin (honest guv!).
At Hadspen I was given a big plate of stew and really couldn't eat it at all, my digestive system was starting to give up the ghost. By all accounts I was also delivering what is known in Audaxing circles as the Thousand Yard Stare. I was in a bad way here and there was still 75 km (50+ miles) to go. Some were having a cheeky 2 hour sleep here but I considered that if I went to sleep I'd never get up again. So I forced the stew down me along with some energy drink and a flapjack and headed off again, this time on my own. Only 50 miles now - I do that in my sleep these days, how hard could it be? Daylight was beckoning as well. I left the control at about 4 am an dawn was breaking, the nightmare nightleg was over...
... except the nightmare got worse. The hills continued, more walking, more despair. I considered ringing a taxi on more than one occasion. I could barely cycle up a 1% slope by the time I got to 370 km let alone some of the 15%ers we were still being supplied with. So I took the last 20 miles or so, very very easily. A moment of crisis at about 7 am sent me to a garage for some emergency energy in the form of a bottle of coke. I had just seen a cyclist in a yellow at the top of a hill beckoning me from behind a hedge. I thought, 'that's nice, someone is here to help me and check I'm OK' they had mysteriously disappeared when i arrived. A hallucination I think, I have heard from other audaxers that they can occur on the longest rides and 400 km is as long as it gets (there are longer audaxes but you get time to sleep on those) so that was mine I think. I was in a bit of a delerium as well - I think the bonk was starting hence the emergency intake of sugars.
This did work rather well however and soon I was cycling up hills again, albeit at a lesser pace than at the start. One final evil hill manifested itself with only 5 km to go which was annoying but I knew I would make it by now and my attitude was it, I'm walking this one.
With 4 hours in hand on the time limit at 250 km (Kingswood) I arrived at the end a broken man with only about 3 hours to spare. So I'd done the first half at about 14 miles per hour and the latter at about 8 miles per hour.

But...

I did it!!!

Now the really big one is next. For the top AUK award and title of Super Randonneur I must ride a 600 km audax. Super randonneur or SR requires rides of 200k, 300k, 400k and 600k all in one season (longer rides can substitute for shorter).
So in mid-July I ride the Buzzard, A ride that starts from Leighton Buzzard, conveniently close to my hometown of Bedford - hence the choice of ride, my Mum's house is a convenient basecamp. It goes from Leighton Buzzard to Exeter and back and this time it really is a flattish ride. When I booked it some months ago I was a bit disappointed with this but now, with some experience, I'm pleased about that.
It's an X-rated event with a postal finish though. What that means is that we get given our Brevet card in Leighton Buzzard at the start and then we're entirely on our own. You have to be responsible for roadside repairs, feeding yourself and getting a sleep stop somewhere. Even the end is not manned, you must get proof of passage for the end (and all controls) and send them for validation. Bare bones event and no mistake.
With all my complaints the one thing I will say about the National 400 is that it was brilliant at ALL the controls. A real army of volunteers helped out and we were very well looked after throughout. Eating will be much more of a problem on the Buzzard.

Bet you didn't read all that...
The GPS tracklogs...
http://www.mapmyride.com/workout/304457513
http://www.mapmyride.com/workout/304457491

Oh yeah. I think I finished in a grand total of 23 hours and 30 minutes. So I guess not quite 24 hours. Must try harder next time

..and yeah 10ish kg... not, that should read 105ish kg.

I think if you only weighed 10kg something would be very very wrong! I admit, your stories sound rather scary but it sounds like you enjoy that kind of challenge.

Thanks. I've just looked at the route again for the Buzzard and given that (a) it seems to use some of the nastier sections of the one I've just done around the West Country and (b) it has the same guy organising it, I think I might tinker with the route a bit to make it easier on me.
The good thing about audax rides is that there really isn't a set route. As long as you pass through the control points within the time limits you can wherever else you like.