h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Have decided to enter poetry comp, so need to write something decent fast. As am at work and is too dangerous to save stuff on hard drive in case boss checks it and realises am not really working ALL the time...well, everyone needs a break, right?

Anyhoo, all my poem's are nice, so I've decided to write something gritty and unpleasant to show the real spirit of Christmas, as I see it, here in London.

Ok, here goes...

Christmas comes but once a year, which frankly is enough,
The turkey, sprouts and gravy mean jack **** when you are sleeping rough,
As Christmas day approaches, and the weather starts to pinch,
You can't condemn the homeless man for acting like the grinch.

I clutter up shop doorways, my skin and hair's a mess,
The only decent meal I get is weekly at St James the Less,
Where fleetingly I'm noticed and my basic needs are met,
Then back out to reality, degraded, cold and wet.

Christmas is coming and the city boys grow fat,
But no part of their bonus finds its way into my proffered hat,
A cup of tea, at 90p, would keep me warm inside,
But not a lot is all I got, loose change and tarnished pride.

When your view is Jimmy Choo, as posh birds totter by,
You can't escape the feeling that they want you to curl up and die,
I sit and sing by Liberty until I'm moved along,
They act like I'm invisible, no supper for my song.

I'm dreaming of a nice Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know,
Till my Dad deserts us,
And Mum's bloke hurts us,
And kicks me out, helpless, and alone.

I'm dreaming of a nice Christmas,
Without the hunger and the lice,
When you see me next time, think twice,
And pray all your Chrismases stay nice.


Comments please, before I submit it!

Pink....

Very good, a dead cert to win.

Thanks, Dr Wonky
Possibly a little too kind, but adulation is always nice, don't you think.

And that's if I actually get around to submitting it, I suppose ....

Pink...

Well its certainly a lot better than the **** I write!

This post has been removed.

Ah, flattery. *bask*

Hey, shouldn't you be saving lives, or chopping people up, or whatever it is you do?

Been there done that - saved some lives, chopped some people up, pushed forward the boundaries of medical science.
And today, my first paper will go forward for publication!

Well done wonky bean boy!

What's the paper about? Would I even understand the title?

How's the quacking going?

Pink.....D

The title is: "Enzyme Replacement Therapy Reverses the Cardiomyopathy of Fabry Disease: Results of a Randomized, Double Blind, Placebo Controlled Trial".

(v. boring)

Just needs peer review then it can go off to a suitable journal!

The quackery is, as ever, mind-numbingly boring.

How is the journalism-cum-internet dot com business?

The title is: "Enzyme Replacement Therapy Reverses the Cardiomyopathy of Fabry Disease: Results of a Randomized, Double Blind, Placebo Controlled Trial".

(v. boring)

Just needs peer review then it can go off to a suitable journal!

The quackery is, as ever, mind-numbingly boring.

How is the journalism-cum-internet dot com business?

Sounds great. How come double blind. Did you poke out both eyes?

I used to do clinical trials for money down at the Common Cold Centre in Caerdydd. A cross between gambling and hypochondria. Great fun.

Sorry to hear that. Maybe you should start bumping off patients as a quick route to fame (or notoriety, which is just as good.) I mean, look at Shipman. Went from dodgy beard to household name with the minimum of effort/outlay, and cut the NHS waiting list into the bargain. In my career I can't get famous nearly so easily. Well, I suppose I just have to sleep with someone famous and write about it afterwards...or make it up (I'd like to thank The ***, for that outstanding concept)..or (God forbid) write something decent.

Hmmm, I think I'll go back to embarrassing myself in high-profile London nightspots in the hopes of discovery. But discovery as what?

Erm, in answer to your question. Dull as hell, although having the Sword of Damacles constantly hanging over one's head does sharpen the responses somewhat.

Maybe I'd do better if I worked instead of chatting to the the author of that seminal work, "Enzyme Replacement Therapy Reverses the Cardiomyopathy of Fabry Disease: Results of a Randomized, Double Blind, Placebo Controlled Trial".

Nah.

Pink........

Shipman made my dad notorious.
My old man is a GP like Shipman, and (unfortunately) looks exactly like him. Cue wailing children and worried patients! My how we laughed.

I used to do clinical trials for money when I was a student - I had to do one where I ate little plastic beads and then give all my poo to the researchers to go poke about in. They'd count all the beads and work out how fast my bowels were. Not too sure why they'd want to do it, but there you go
We used to make sure we ate huge curries, and many many pints of lager the night before the poo collection just to make the job that little bit more fun for the researchers.

There's nothing wrong with embarrassing oneself in high-profile London nightspots. Your best bet is to try and get arrested following a fight with Tara Palmer-wotsit after an orgiastic binge of champagne, cocktails and cocaine in The Pharmacy.

Right then. I was wondering what to do tomorrow night. Looks like you've stumbled on the ideal night's entertainment.

Hmmmm.

Shopping tonight (call it Wading Through Tourists). Yay. Want anything? (It's Agent Provoc first though, buying sexy skimpies for Mummy...on behalf of Daddy - and with his CC of course. Why do parents insist on having a sex lif? Why do mine insist on getting me involved? Euuuughh)

Just remember to take a photographer with you to catch that 20,000 pound photo (for Pharmacy not Ag Provoc).

I think you should be proud that your folks have got such good taste in pants (but I can see your point about old sex and involving the children, so to speak).

Could you just get me some very dark green hair dye? I fancy doing something to my hair that I'm going to regret (and will probably shave off after five minutes). Either that or a copy of the best of Max Bygraves. Ta.

Shout obscenities at a few tourists for me would you?

Wow, I must be psychic. I did shout obscenities at tourists, without even having read your message. (Well, small amount of shouting, large amount of evil muttering)

Unfortunately the Max Bygraves and the hair dye weren't communicated to me. You obviously didn't want them badly enough. Shame on you.

Hmmm. I don;t think we should be discussing my parents' pants tase, now, should we? Euuugh. I'm speechless. Shame on you again.

:KAHFOUEwahflirghepihjASFh;easrhbg q

(Not hveing v good day)

Pink.

I hope you put the wind up the tourists suitably.

Doesn't matter about the hair dye and Max Byegraves - they were only to annoy my parents with. I'm going to shave my hair off instead. That should really **** them off for the Christmas photos.

As far as the pants go - I just meant Agent Provoc make good pants. No offence intended to your folks or you

Aah, time for lunch - my diet this week consists of chocs from the patients and NHS scotch eggs (they ming).

Excellent - ming's my favourite verb. I ming this morning - I went out on a christmas eve eve bender in sunny colchester, and thought it was a good idea to eat cold curry from my parents' fridge at 3am. At 4am, I thought it was a good idea to have a chat with the big white telephone, if you catch my drift. Not a well bunny, me.

Did you shave off all your hair or did you turkey out? (Festive cliche variation). I have tinsel on my head as today (despite all appearances to the contrary) is Christmas day. (My granny is in an old peoples' home, so we're having family christmas with her here today, so that she can join in the carol mumbling and mince pie-sucking back at the ranch tomorrow. Ah, what fun.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

Off to be ill again, I think. Blurg. I ming. I mang. I shall ming. I was minging.

Pink...........>oo><

Have a good one! Don't forget - it is the law to watch at least one Bond film over the festive season, and to argue with everybody.
Hope you stop vomiting soon!


(PS: I shaved it to grade two, and then, in a final touch to annoy my folks I have peroxided it. Hope it grows out before I go back on the wards!)

Happy Christmas from Dr. W.M.

Oh by the way - never suck on a home made mince pie - the pastry is always too hard and could cause a horrific gum injury. Stick to Budgen's or Waitrose own brand, or better still, suck out the insides with a straw.

Yes doctor.

Hmmm. Pink's too impatient to be a patient, so will watch out and make sure I avoid horrific mince pie injuries!

How was christmas? Did your folks baulk lots? Tee hee. I'd watch out if I were you - short and bleached sounds a bit Billy from Ally McBeal..going through a personal crisis are we? Next you start seeing naked people and then die suddenly. Ist that what you want, hmm? Coz that's what'll 'appen.

Right, work work work. Isn't christmas depressing?

Pink.

PS - liked your poetry comp entry. Tres minimalist. Still gonna beat you into the ground tho! (Sorry, that was the fencer in me coming through...)