h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have just noticed that I forgot to post yesterday. So that's me out of the running. Never mind. Here goes for the 13th anyway.

We have had our first frost. It is very cold, damp and depressing out there.

So today I will tell a couple of jokes to cheer myself and everyone up.

I'm absolutely lousy at telling jokes, although I once did think up a little stand-up routine and had a colleague rolling in the aisles (we were sitting on a train) when I tried it out on him. Not bad, I suppose, as it wasn't even in my mother tongue. It was about trying to fill up my little old Fiat with petrol. I always had terrible trouble getting the petrol to go in. A mechanic once told me that Fiats have a bend in the tube just below the opening which cuts off the supply. I can't remember anything about it now, but it was funny at the time.

So, yes. Hm Jokes - I think I'll just pinch a couple from the Tell me a Joke thread. Picked totally at random. Some of them are terrible , some of them are classics, but I think they could do with a little shake out and dust occasionally.

I bought a new thesaurus today. It's nothing to write house about.

How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, but they have released a leaflet called "coping with darkness"

How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a blender. (Sorry - I still laugh at that, even though it's so awful)


A toothless termite flies into a pub and lands on the end of the bar.
He looks around for a while, then he asks:
"Excuse me... is the bar tender here?"


Two budgies sitting on their perch, one turns to the other and says "What's that fishy smell?"


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

men are like carpets, if you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.

men are like snowstorms, you don't know when they're coming, how long they'll stay or how many inches you'll get

A man is wandering through the desert. He hasn't had any water for days and is dying of thirst.
To his amazement, he comes across three market stalls set up in the desert.
He crawls up to the first one. "Water, water! Give me water!" he cries.
"I'm sorry mate," says the first stall holder, "I sell nothing but custard."
The man crawls up to the second stall. "Water, water! Give me water!" hecries.
"Sorry mate," says the second stall holder, "I sell nothing but cream
and sponge."
The man crawls up to the third stall. "Water, water! I must have some
water!" he cries.
"I'm truly sorry matey," says the third stall holder, "I sell nothing but hundreds and thousands."
"I can't believe none of you has any water," says the man.
"I know," says the third stall holder, "it's a trifle bazaar."

Hey no one is out of the running. We will stop and wait for you

I love one liners, if only I could remember the punchline.

haha - I'm stealing the trifle one!

and

[Amy P]

That trifle joke, is probably the second best joke in the world; A friend told it to me... many years ago, and it is my one* joke I tell... my second joke, is a visual gag, involving me hiding behind my hands, and quacking, and then peaking out, and quacking.... yesh, its my impression of peeking duck.

that trifle joke is my new favourite joke
my new second favourite joke is the rude(ish) Thor one