h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm sitting in the airport waiting to leave for a trip home. I can't think of anything I might have forgotten but how come my bag only weighed 3.3 kg?

How much were you expecting it to weigh?

Gin

My bag weighs about that before I put anything in it.

Did you have a book to read?

Could be that helium balloon inside.

were you wearing a coat with good pockets?

is it the glittery marmite??

Marmite wouldn't be allowed in hand luggage and I had two books. Half my stay is over and I haven't missed anything yet.

And my mother has plenty of gin in her drinks cabinet

I was in a similar predicament yesterday. According to my (new) hand luggage scales, my cabin luggage was overweight, so I removed three paperback books, a sweater and some other odds and ends until it it was exactly 10k. When I had it weighed at the airport it was nearly two kilograms under.

I'm annoyed! I even put every single UK currency coin into the charity box, so I'd not be caught out by a few extra grams at the desk. Not that I begrudge the coins, but just the inaccurate scales that had got me to such silly lengths.

The good thing is that my arm doesn't ache today, as you have to lift 10k above your head to stow it in the overhead bin. 8.5 was a doddle

I never put my luggage in the overhead locker. In the waiting lounge in the terminal, I sit and read till the last person's gone past the check-in counter to get on the plane, then go through last. In fact, this time, there were still six people waiting to go through when I decided to go to the toilet. I came out and the desk was empty, with the ladies waiting just to see me through. I was greeted by name, with a smile, and had plenty of time to saunter out on to the airfield (Baden Baden is so small they don't always use the ) I walked to the back of the plane and instead of standing for ages in the morning damp and cold, I got straight on to the steps and was on the plane last. I got the last seat on the aisle in the back row, so was first off.

There was, of course, no space in the lockers by then, so I put my bag on the floor in front of me.

Unfortunately, my plans for not having to queue were thwarted at Stansted where the passport-deciphering machines had conked out. (System failure, I was told) The queues for passport control were the biggest I've ever seen, but soon a desk opened near where I was waiting, so I did finally get to jump the queue a bit, just before I was due to be sucked into those claustrophobic channels of shuffling foreigners.

Apparently there had been a power cut (!) at Stansted earlier that morning, which would explain why the UK Border system was down. The customs officers at the desks were probably just looking at passports, comparing them with a blank screen, nodding, smiling, and handing back passports to all comers. Huh! What sort of security is that?

As-good-as-most I'd say