h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here are some kitchen cupboard remedies to help ease the effects of a cold.

These are fairly potent remedies and strong to the taste. They are intended for use by consenting adults only. I use them regularly as needed, with good results. As always, practice good judgement.


Wasabi to clear a stuffy nose:

Wasabi is a pungent Japanese horseradish, prepared as a paste, often enjoyed as a condiment with sushi. Due to its texture and dark green color, wasabi is sometimes mistaken for guacomole, to surprising effect.

On the end of a spoon, take a very small amount of wasabi. Not more than 1/4 teaspoon at one time, unless you are very brave. Once in your mouth, the wasabi will contribute to a robust opening and draining of your sinuses. Do not attempt to drive or operate heavy machinery while administering this remedy.

This method is also useful on those occasions when you find it difficult to shed tears and could use a small nudge getting started.


Ground cloves to soothe a sore throat:

Fix a cup of comfortably warm water. Stir in a teaspoon or so of ground cloves and gargle the mixture, using it all up. Naturally, expectorate often as needed. In the sink.

Your throat will begin to numb within minutes. The effect may last two to three hours and can be repeated as neded. As your throat has been numbed, take care how you swallow, avoiding anything hot. Yelling or otherwise abusing your vocal chords also should be avoided.


Extreme measures: Garlic and chilli sliders to put down a cold.

In a small saucer, crush 2 or 3 cloves of fresh garlic. Stir in enough honey to coat. Now take as much dried, crushed red chilli pepper as you think you can stand, plus a pinch. Fold in the chilli, add more honey as needed to coat everything, and stir.

With a spoon, quickly down the whole thing. Set aside the spoon and saucer and grasp the kitchen table to maintian your balance.

Heat from the garlic and chilli will bloom inside your belly, changing your body into an environment too hostile for any cold or bug trying to take hold. Repeat two to three times daily, slowly increasing the ammount of crushed red chilli pepper as you adjust to it.

Good health and good luck.