h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Channel hopping has it's uses. A fortnight or so ago, Mina and I chanced upon QVC. What a fortuitous event.

The first programme we saw was an hour long special on jewels. A parade of jewellery designed by the hard of sight was for the blind was paraded before our tear filed eyes...When the presenter described one particularly revolting knuckleduster of a ring as 'regal', I am sure that he had one tongue in his cheek and his index finger on the word 'hyperbole' in the dictionary. Though I must say that I was full of admiration for the man - he kept up a non-stop stream of drivel, live to camera, for an hour about these wretched baubles, all of which could be dispatched to your home within 5-7 days. The boy would be a shoo-in for 'Just A Minute'.

Every so often, his job was enlivened by phonecalls from customers. These were invariably elderly (none of them claimed to be under 60, to my recollection), and invariably had great tales to tell of how they had had some geejaw valued at up to 25% more than they had paid for it. Presumably they had waited 5-7 days for their precious geejaws and then rushed off up the jewellers to see if the'd been gyped.

For further entertainment value, one could run a book on which ring sizes would run out first. All these beautiful rings (availablein5-7days) are in limited supply in each size. Mina tells me that she is a size K. There is therefore a considerable suspense, you might think, to be had in guessing which sizes might be sold out first. But it was plain on watching for a few minutes that the sizes which sold out first were invariably T, U and V. I invite you to draw your conclusions about the size of people who order these magnificent finger ornaments (availablein5-7days).

Second up was perfume. Now, I am not a cynic, as you will know, but the women responsible for selling this stuff were not a patch on jewellery man. For a start, there were two of them, and they suffered from the problem that there are few things so absurd as trying to sell a smell by a medium that cannot transport it... Nonertheless, it was comforting to know that all these scents could be with you in time for *christmas*, which was only 3-4 days away!

Of course, we shall have to be careful. This is not an entertainment that can be over-indulged. I am informed that after watching sixty hours, you actually start ordering things from this cornucopia of delights. So we shall have to make our 59 hours and 59 minutes of fun last for as long as possible, before we become fixated by the charms of magnificent, regal works of art for out fingers in 5-7 days takes over our lives...

Superdogmonkey and I have been fortunate to have already discovered the joys of QVC. The Diamonique range is of particular interest to us... how long can anyone rave about a cubic zirconia dust encrusted lump of 9ct gold? The answer, 20 minutes - pure joy.

The best had to be the collectors comics and graphic novels section. After being promised rare and hugely collectable peices from the comic world, we were in fact offered not autographed Jack Kirby artwork but instead an Alex Ross poster. SDM was frothing at the mouth. It got better when the obviously clueless QVC presenter (as opposed to the american bloke from Dynamic Forces who was the specialist presenter) was told "and here we have your favourite character" whereupon said QVC bint looked blank, then gormless, then embarrassed until prompted that she really loved Wonder Woman. 'Nuff said.

I remember when I first got a Sky dish, and found QVC.

I never missed the 10pm once-a-month "Star Trek Special" usually on a
Sunday night.

I'm extremely embarrased to admit but I have a limited edition, 24-carat-gold-plate-edged plate with the Enterprise E on it, and a certificate of authentication; and also a Star Trek mug with a cork base which won't slip, even at warp factor 9. Although how you'd stop the contents spilling out I don't know....inertial dampers?

Yes, they were received within 5-7 days and I even have a speed-phone number now to avoid the queue should I wish to order anything else.



Which finger is Mina a K?
My wedding ring finger is a size P.
And my fingers are not fat!

Mina's has thinner fingers than might be imagined fingers because of her osteo-pareosis. K is her engagement ring.

I was aware that they did comics once in a while, but I would have thought...no, I know that there is no limit to the stuff Star trek fans will buy.... After all, my sister in law is one - who spent her honeymoon at satr trek convention in order to meet Wiliam Shatner...

And I thought Doctor Who fans were bad (looking up at her collection of hideiously overpriced Dr. Who first-day covers)

Dr Who fans *are* bad...

Oh. Never mind then. I'll just crawl back under my nice, damp rock....