h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Aye caramba...

Okay...you want the juicy stuff? Then go here:

http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Screen/1608

Now go away. Please. 
 
 

er, how far away should I go? And do I get to come back?

hey, if we come back will you read us some more stories?????

But of course, monshari...right now I'm working on Star Wars, Episode II. There's a distinct possibility you just might like it.

star wars did you say??? great, can i help or at least sit in and watch??? i will bring some VODKA along to help with any writers block that might occur.

i'm back again, just returning from your link and i must say; " my you are a busy little traveler now aren't you "
keep up the good work

Vodka??? Sounds good, even if I never do get writer's block...
Okay, here's the beginning - It was a dark stormy night...any ideas???

the fog was thick and menacing. our travellers rode in silence unaware of the danger lurking up ahead, for in the distance.........
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how's that?
.
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your turn

...there was an unseen presence waiting for them. As they rode closer and closer, they became aware of the presence, but only as one would of an annoying gnat that continually eludes them, endlessly drawing forth microscopic quantities of their sprirtual essence, as the night wore on.

Suddenly, the leader of the small band of travelers stopped and held his outstretched palm up for all to see, signaling them to stop as well. "You know, something isn't quite right..."

the air is a bit too still tonight and i feel eyes watching me at every turn......just then a chill surrounded them, not an ordinary chill that could be abolished by coverings alone, this was a chill of a different kind, the kind that slithered deep inside you grasping your soul, claiming it as its very own.
at that very moment out of the fog they say it..............

...a pair of the biggest eyeballs they had ever seen, hanging in midair about five feet above the middle of the road.

The lead guide turned around with a triumphant smile. "See? I told you I felt eyes watching me..."

"Good grief...Captain, would you be so kind as to shoot this man?"

With a glint of unmistakable pleasure in his eyes, Captain Panaka swiftly pulled his blaster out of its holster and fired once at the guide, instantly atomizing him while leaving his mount standing, staring blindly ahead as if nothing happened.

"Thank you, Captain." Queen Amidala said as she quickly dismounted from her horse. "Now, what have we here?" she asked to no one in particular as she took three steps towards the strange apparition and stopped.

The other guide ventured, "Well...looks like a pair of giant eyeballs to me..."

Amidala turned once again to Panaka. "Captain?"

With another unmistakable glint of pleasure in his eyes, the Captain once more reached for his blaster...

.....turned to Queen Amidala smiling devilishly while bringing her into his sights with his blaster. looking completely confused the Queen asked nervously, "Captain, what are you doing?". "Put that blaster down, now". the captain, never lowering his blaster started to speak.............

........don't move, hold very very still my dear Queen......

...meanwhile, in another part of the galaxy, Anakin Skywalker took one look at his malfunctioning light saber, and mumbled "What a piece of shit!"

Obi-Wan Kenobi smiled to himself as he took one last swipe with his light saber at the Trade Federation prisoner, effectively decapitating him. "There - that takes care of the last one. It was nice of Chancellor Palpatine to give us these Trade Federation prisoners for target practice. Ever since their invasion of Naboo failed, they've sort of lost favor in the Galactic Senate. But hey, one man's loss is another man's gain, eh?"

Obi-Wan gently chuckled as he walked over to Anakin, who was busy banging his now bent light saber against a large rock. "So, young Padawan, trouble with your laser sword?"

yeah, I just dont seem to be able to keep it up. can you fix it for me?

...ObiWan glanced up at the gray, cloudy sky and said softly to himself, "Ah, I sense another contributor to this story..." He sniffed three times, turned his head and spat out his chewing tobacco towards the ground, immediately killing a rare endangered species of lizard that was mistakenly trying to sun itself on a nearby rock on such a cold, windswept day.

He then turned to his young apprentice. "Alright, Ani, enough with the jokes, it's time to get down to business. Now, I want you to concentrate - and try moving that rock over there with your mind. Remember, you must try to clear your mind, and let the Force speak to you...um, Anakin? Hello?"

Anakin looked up at his teacher. "Huh? Did you say something?"

Obi-Wan took a deep breath, let it out, and said as calmly as possible, "Look, Anakin, you really must pay attention to what's going on around you. Be mindful of the living Force."

"Uh, yeah, okay Master Obi-Wan, sir. So what did you want me to do?"

"Move that rock..."

"Which rock?"

"That one over there..."

"You mean the one with the dead lizard laying on top of it?"

Obi-Wan was starting to lose his patience. "Yes, the one with the dead lizard laying on top of it."

"Eww....do I have to move that one? How about this rock over here?"

"Look, I don't care which f*****g rock you move, just do it!"

Anakin let out a big sigh. "Okay, okay." He turned to the rock with the dead lizard laying on top of it and concentrated...

The rock moved imperceptibly. The dead lizard twitched as if in final death throes (again). The molecules at the center of the rock moved into other nearby molecules which were not inclined to get out of the way. The rock exploded in a confusion of splinters. The lizard hung in the air, twitching.

.....turned to Queen Amidala smiling devilishly while bringing her into his sights with his blaster. looking completely confused the Queen asked nervously, "Captain, what are you doing?". "Put that blaster down, now". the captain, never lowering his blaster started to speak.............
meanwhile, we once again bring our attention to Queen Amidala and the Captian................
My dear Queen, you seem to have an admirer directly behind you, now when i give the word i want you to drop to the ground............ NOW!, and upon hearing his words she imediately did as instructed, dropping swiftly to the ground just as the Captian fired his blaster in the very spot she had only moments ago inhabited. A bit bewildered and confused the Queen turned and looked to where she had been standing, her face becoming blank of any expression other than complete horror and shock, for there where only moments before she had stood she saw the remains of what had once been................

intermission...... sorry for the repeat at the beginning of the last scene but due to unexpected difficulties (being i must look at previous occurences to the scene as i write the next scene so as not to goof it up ) it has found itself forever glued twice in this story.
oops!
now on with the adventure!

..."A young man, possibly in his twenties...hmmmm......" The detective scribbled some more words in his notepad as Amidala and Panaka tried unconvincingly not to appear they were trying to look over his shoulder.

"Yes!" The detective suddenly whirled around, startling Panaka as he took a step backward, lost his balance and knocked Amidala down as he fell on top of her. "I think I knew who this was. Your highness...didn't you say you've been having trouble lately with a certain stalker? Some guy who kept calling your house at three in the morning, and recently tried speaking to you at your graduation ceremony last week?

"Um...yes, but...wait a minute." Amidala stood up, and as she was trying to gain some semblance of poise, grabbed hold of Panaka's arm and took him aside.

"This idiot thinks I'm Natalie Portman, Captain," she whispered.

"Shall I shoot him, your highness?" Panaka offered with a hopeful gleam in his eyes.

"No, not yet...we may have some use for him yet."

Amidala turned towards the detective, and with the warmest smile she could muster, asked "So, detective, have you ever seen a sunset on Naboo? It's quite the experience, er, detective...say, what is your name, anyway, hmmm?"

The detective started to turn a dark shade of red, as he looked down at the ground. "Well, my friends call me C. You see, that's what my last name starts with..."

"Wait!!!!" Panaka cried as he suddenly pulled his blaster out of his holster, pointing it at the detective, who immediately dropped his notepad and pencil. "I know who you are! Last name begins with a C, right?"

"Captain..." Amidala took a step backward, staring at the detective with a new light of recognition in her eyes. "Do you mean to tell me..."

"That's right, your Highness." Panaka answered with the voice of one who has just solved the final clue of a crossword they had been working on for two weeks. "What we have here is a very strange vergeance of movies, stories, actors and singers." He turned to the now quivering detective, who had taken off his hat, revealing a balding head.

"Sir, you should not be here, and you know it. How dare you invade our story! Go back to Hook where you belong!" And with that, Panaka squeezed the trigger, sending the short little man to oblivion.

"You mean..." Amidala began again, but Panaka finished the sentence for her.

"Yes, your highness...that was none other than Phil Collins."