h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Human Desire- Consumption, Class and Sex - A14647467
Author: danni6a - U5839244

This is a series of articles for my MA course- they are complete but would love constructive critisism and to know whether you would read them if they fell out of your magazine

Before I comment on this article you'll need to read the Writing-Guidelines and adjust the article.

Thanks

Sorry! I have read through it and it does seem very interesting. However, the format of the article doesn't follow the Edited Guide required format and just needs a little adjusting as I said.

Hi danni, and welcome to h2g2!

Did you mean to submit your article for inclusion in the Edited Guide? That's the purpose of this particular review forum.

Hi! Sorry if it seems ignorant ('cause it is) but what's MA an acronym for?

I like your style, witty and mocking, particularly various polished phrases popping up all over. Well done on the writing. Whether the entry fits PR guidelines or not, since it's here and frankly most of it is sound advice that I'm grateful for reading about. You bring up very thought-provoking points. I wrote for a rp an entire lesson on questioning once. It's always fun to question yourself.

here are my suggestions (mostly a few run-on sentences; if you don't like them please don't heed them):
"a being rises from the flames, they live out their life in the public" --> a being is single therefore "they" and "their" must be single as well. Rethink?

"Are you happy with never having, are your wants ever going to fulfil your desires, and if your wishes are fulfilled will you be truly satisfied? Can what you want change society, can it become culture?" I'm fairly sure you want ; or ? to separate different thoughts addressing similar trains

"predicted we have reached a stage in culture where conspicuous leisure, parties, IT girls and Dom Perignon mark out reputability they indicate social status and provide a benchmark for the emulation of the new upper classes, the class of consumer." --> predicted we have reached a stage in culture where conspicuous leisure, parties, IT girls and Dom Perignon mark (our?/define?) reputability, providing a benchmark indicating social status for the emulation of the new upper classes, the consumer's.

"The consumer has taken the reigns and steered themselves into the driving lane" --> you meant reigns or reins, either will do but did you mean to make a pun with reigns? oh and semicolon ; before "they are active"

"The ability to take and make ones own." could be made into a footnote after to appropriate and it's one's own or ones' own not sure

"they succeeded and re-branded Burberry the cloth of the Chav." --> "succeeded in re-branding Burberry as the cloth"

"The velour tracksuit, Adidas joggers, visor caps and hooped earrings have all fallen to the might of the consumer." --> "might is right"

"Aware of the affluence that money can buy the class..." --> "can buy, the class..."

"This has lead" --> "This has led"

"At what point is money, are possessions, a status failure rather than the first building block of success?" --> I'm a tad confused by the apositive in this sentence. is money, our possessions and you simply wrote are accidentally or --> at what pt is money, at what point are possessions...

if the latter perhaps re-word the sentence so it sounds less awkward

"Could the desire to be aspired be the fundamental flaw, is it trying rather than being that is the hurdle?" the way you have it it could refer to us or the subject --> desire

I know you mean desire but making it clear won't hurt

"Everyones done it; put on a turtle neck to meet the in laws" --> Everyone's done it: put on a turtleneck to meet the in-laws, power dressed for an important meeting et cetera.

The next two paragraphs have me caught up in personal conflict. I may get to explaining when I have stopped writhing/being disturbed.

"While desire is a worldwide concept the way in which society translates this into culture varies from country to country." --> While desire is a worldwide concept, the way in which society translates this into culture varies from country to country.

"It is a twisted world were advertisers" --> where advertisers

"like a wish list" --> wishlist is one word methinks

"its biological" --> it's

let's not blame the advertisers here if we don't want it they won't feed the wishlist to us that's like how we blame Cambodian govt for being lax about enforcement on subj of child prostitution when the root of the problem was the trade/business though illegal is fueled by the foreign tourists --> bah just get Cambodia its own rice-refinery instead of the country buying the rice its people grew back from neightboring countries such as Laos at exorbitant prices because it hasn't its own resources/refinery

consumerism backs the economy. we cannot stop it. but we should be aware of the "philosophy of death" as some would say

"de sensitised society" --> desensitised

"who slow to observe the gore" --> who slows to

It's true we're so jaded we come too preconceived to care/learn. Why must we struggle in quiet despair to be free? Let's try to be obedient for fun, or just listen and cultivate ourselves

Overall injecting my modest thoughts (oh oh Uriah Heep moment of humbleness!) those who brand themselves as well-informed and opinionated actually get the edited simplified version of what's way more complicated at the evidence level. I think Stanislaw Lem wrote that philosophers bound to the progress in great quick leaps whereas science does its findings with/at babysteps. Interesting though

Intrepid is a neat word to use. I was reading an article about how the athletes of America are laughed off/vilianfied for showing that they care enough to cry about losing, while it's touching but we care so much about "model/we don't care about winning" sportmenship that we forget the reason they're playing is 'cause they care about the game, and about winning!

I notice that almost all your statements are backed by British examples. Perhaps the title of your entry can say something more regarding the English rather than tackle the world in general. Cultures do vary in expectations and expression, as you so prettily stated

Ummm i think so am looking for reviews and feedback for improvements... i have to subject the work to review and this seemed like the place to do it!

Hi
Thank you so much for all the critisism- much appreciated! It amazing how you can read it a hundred times and not spot the mistakes until they are pointed out to you- again thank you

MA stand for a masters- its a follow on degree after my BA (hons)

sorry i'm unsure how it should be edited- take pity on a newbie and give me some pointers- as i would really appreciate yuor feedback

Hi Danni6a,

Please don't do anything for a minute - I'll get right back to you - you have submitted an identical copy in the EGWW.

Danni6a,

I have put instructions on your other conversation so you can take the entry out of EGWW. Please go there and do that.



Tehn come back here

We'll get you sorted, don't worry.

W

Cheers!

I need you to click on http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/brunel/RF1
Scroll down to the bottom of the page

Find your entry

Click on the little x

This takes it out of Peer review back onto your PS

You can then click on 'My Space', find your entry and submit it to EGWW. The reason we are doing this is quite simple (even if the process is not) You need to keep the conversation thread we are talking on here attached to the entry you are working on. It just makes things easier for admin and stuff later on

I'll follow you to the EGWW.

Any problems, post me a message here.

ok managed that but the comments don't seem to have transfered?

The thread (this conversation) is now attached to the entry itself, which is exactly what we wanted.

Now you can submit this entry to the EGWW. Can you see where it says: 'submit for review'?

Danni6a, Is the article now in the EGWW also a copy of this? Give me a second to work out what is where

its the same with a couple of spelling corrections i just edited the thread before re posting it in EGWW

OK, that's the one we will work with then. Please do not make copies of your work. It gets confusing for little old me

Let's go to the EGWW then.

This saga continues here:

F57153?thread=3518376