h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...but I am not. I probably wouldn't like Cannes anyway: I don't agree with this sun and sand business. Or even this sun business. I am melting like a vanilla ice cream: all pale and sticky. Think I need a haircut.

Also have really good ideas for history paintings, a Saint Sebastian and a Judith and Holofernes, only in modern terms. Sebastian woud be in boxer shorts, tied to a bedpost, stuck with those suction-cup arrows kids use. This, I think, would be a marvellous painting, were it not for two things:

1. I shall probably be accused of blasphemy.
2. My proposed model said (and I quote): "not a snowball's chance in hell".

Puts a bit of a damper on the whole project, really.

In other news: I'm practically (well, for me, anyway) a skinny bird. Just waiting to see if certain bits of me disappear...

I remember reading the Book of Heroic Failres, where a Not Terribly Good Artist did their own version of the Martyrdom: a skeleton nailed to the front of a dartboard. Yours just *has* to be better, surely?

Oh yeah. Unfortunately, as I say, the model isn't too keen.

Being accused of blastphemy sounds like an excellent path to fame and fortune.

Do you have to use that particular model? Not that I'm volenteering of course. Or couldn't you find a picture of a naked man tied to a bed on the internet and use that. Of course I can't possibly think where you could find such a picture.

But this particular naked man still looks beautiful with his clothes off. Now tell me, how many of those do you see?

Oooh yes, very few. Most look hideous. Mind you the only ones I see naked are patients. My gay flatmate informs me that *all* men he's met look better with clothes on.