h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*emerges from shadows behind sofa*
*eyes glow red with anger*

Hey lady!
Not so nice?
Since you can't name a not-nice thing I've done, you must just not like rats. I wash after meals and look both ways before crossing the street. I don't call anybody names. I'm a house pet. I am wearing a flea collar and a rabies tag. OK, the collar is black leather with metal studs but my owner is into Heavy Metal.

Ever since I got here I have been a diligent rat. Can I help it what I find out in my investigations? Is it my fault that fleas carry plague? No fleas on me! No dirt on me!

*starts to leave, then peaks out from under sofa again*

And don't mention me in the same breath with that cockroach again.
*vanishes*

People, I warn you, never trust a rat. Here we were having a lovely meal at Demon Drawer's Dingy Dive and the rat bolted leaving me with the bill. I suspect he now has a singed tail.

Actually Styx I DO like rats! I was more thinking about how well you are picking up all the dirt which the candidates are so carelessly leaving lying about! Have you seen the gents recently! I hesitate to tell you what Peregrin is up to now!
I wouldn't have though that Mr DD would dare to charge you for a meal in THAT establishment! Perhaps you were too soft EC!
shazzPRME

You talk pretty now, lady, but before-

sure your not a politician?

I know all about that Peregrine. You'll be hearing more

I wouldn't be caught dead being a politician, which is what I suspect an awful lot of that dubious crowd actually are anyway!
I will watch your trail with interest!
shazzPRME

And I've been digging in the dirt, too. Not just the filth at that seedy restaurant, either.