h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My first journal entry. I thought it would take a lot longer before anything noteworthy happened but against all the odds an event has occurred in the short time since I started my association with the Guide. It was a humble little event but since bugger-all ever happens to me I'm writing it up – just in case nothing else ever happens again.

I took the dogs for their lunch time walk today and as we stepped out of the front door I was almost instantly smothered in pollen beetles (an indication that some local farmer has just harvested a field of oil seed rape). I should have known better than to wear a yellow T-shirt – it's that time of year, beginning of July – what did I expect? So it was horrible. We'd walked about half a mile and damn me if I wasn't set upon by a swarm of thunder bugs. I don't know what triggers thunder bug attacks – low pressure and high humidity I expect. Anyway, we went another half mile or so and I was feeling itchy and irritable – crawling with bugs as I was and paint me pink if my barking loonies and I didn't spot a snake.

I haven't seen a snake for about 2 years. They seem to be getting very rare. I live in the country – where better to see the little slitherers if there are any left? It cheered me up ever so. I'm very fond of practically anything alive (with the exception of some humans and I can even like some of the more obnoxious specimens of us if I think of them as monkeys). That's it. That was the event. Made my day.

Hi, Sal,

Congratulations on your choice of companions, the quadrupeds that is. We used to have (a) dog(s) since forever till the last one went to the celestial kennel or, more likely - knowing their preferences, the celestial sofas and duvets. Then some emigrating "friends" conned us into having their cats, I mean entrusted their little darlings to our care. Ptui! (oops that's rule 3 broken.)

So, you are pleased to have happened upon a snake, eh? Well you're going to be b***dy ecstatic soon - there's a general election looming.


ps Yeah, how about that Eeyore?

What's rule 3 Plaguesville? Tell me quick before I break it too.

Eeyore's poem? Absolute masterpiece!

I'm doing an experiment related to your message about using Outlook Express. I wondered what you meant. Do you mean: do the message in the New Message window then copy it to a forum? If so, that's what I'm having a go at. I'm using plain text format and if it work's, thank you for the tip.

I've always had dogs too. The last mob were dumped on me when my last and loveliest died. I've had 'em almost 4 years now. One of them was a nightmare for the first year - not house trained, wanted to kill everything she met (from insects to horses), had all the skirting boards off in my office (hunting for rats). They're great now - no antisocial habits, no murderous attacks, no office wrecking - just the usual canine insanity and loads of affection.

It's strange how we choose the things we can and can't tolerate from our little monsters. My cat pals thought I was very patient trying to train my little thugglett to be bearable, whereas I think they're tolerant when they find the decapitated and eviscerated corpses their cats leave for them as gifts. I think I may have read it in one of the forums (should that be fora?) here that cats do that because they think their humans are too stupid to be able to hunt and feed themselves. I think it's more likely that they just enjoy watching the expression on their human's face when they spot the gory horror scene.

I thought your implication that politicians were snakes was a terrible slur on the snakes. The very idea that a politician could possibly have that much integrity, honesty and flexibility (physical flexibility I mean - politicians obviously bend like reeds in the wind mentally in order to SEEM to be whatever's required in order to get elected). It's just preposterous!

It worked. I'm using OE in future.

Oops, Sorry,

Please express my apologies to your legless reptilian friends - no, not the politicians - for my thoughtless comment.

I would, but I see them so seldom these days.

You haven't told me what rule 3 is. I've probably broken it several times since I asked you, with some urgency, to explain it to me. If anyone has a go at me over it, I'll point the finger at you.

Depending on which finger you point, it may not be too bad. 8-) My teenage daughter has taken to indicating with a pair of fingers. (By accident she claims - she's beside me right now.) (Hi) That's all she'll risk without the spellchecker. Sorry for the omission of the Rule 3 thing. I just could not believe that you really did not know. If you would care to review your welcome email from h2g2 you will find at the end of the medium print. It is the attempt to get one's money's worth out of the legal fraternity. I trust that I shall not offend you with that thought, but if I do - it's not my fault. It's h2g2. Anyway it should be emblazoned on your memory, because of its surreal positioning, not because YOU need to be cautioned against it. "Rule 3. No spitting." Not too much of an anticlimax, I trust. ;-) If the weather doesn't improve and you have a couple of months to kill, you could try: http://www.h2g2.com/F528?thread=3072 Share and Enjoy

Hello Plaguesville and Plaguesville's gal (keep up the finger exercises, you never know when they may come in handy).

Had a look at the spitting site. Very entertaining. I did spot the spitting rule when I first registered but I just didn't make the association. I'm obviously even dafter than I look - quite an achievement, huh? Redundant rule though really. Anyone sitting at a keyboard slobbering and spitting all over the place is soon going to short out the equipment and, so to speak, be removed by a process of natural selection from the on-line communities.

And speaking of the legal fraternity, one of my friends used to send me jokes on a regular basis, then stopped because of a virus problem. I found I missed them so went out in search of humour on the net. I was amazed at the number of (mainly American) lawyer jokes. I didn't realize what a focus they were for derision. Probably well deserved. You weren't wondering if I was a member of the legal profession, were you? I'd show you the sign of the yellow fish, but so far I've only mastered the yellow grin, so take that !

You can't be serious!

The fish is (without spaces) > < > ; but I think you meant which is (w/o spaces : - P

The full complement is at:
http://www.h2g2.com/A213580

And then, of course there are the extravagant and (to me) inaccessible:
http://www.h2g2.com/A292367
http://www.h2g2.com/A155909
http://www.h2g2.com/A284690

There are a lot more geniuses in the world than I had imagined.

No, you're right, I can't be serious.

But seriously, that fish, what's it for? I can see the point in the smiley, the raspberry-blowing smiley (very useful), the miserable smiley (oxymoron?) and the smiley with the big eyes (to show astonishment I guess) - but why a fish?

I had a look at your selection sites. I especially liked the one with the vast collection of smileys that you can't use in h2g2.

Oh, Salamander,

Stick it in your ear!

No, no, wait! Really.
You stick it in your ear. Hitch hiker vol.1, chap 5. (Page 47 et seq. in the Pan Paperback edition)
It's the Babelfish, and if that doesn't make things clear (that could be regarded as a pun) then I am prepared to reveal more. "Small yellow leech like creature ... " could be one of your distant relatives?
You may also be interested to see:
http://babelfish.altavista.com/translate.dyn
and/or
http://www.babelfish.com/Translations.shtml
or perhaps not. You won't know unless you try it.

Good grief, Plaguesville, do I feel stupid! Of course. Not even a cryptic clue is it? This is in no way an excuse (can't excuse the inexcusable) but I think it's partly the way I've seen them used in forums that's thrown me off the scent. They're all over the place in all sorts of non-interpretive contexts. I thought they were just plain old gold fish.

I tried 2 of those sites you gave me, Alta Vista and Infoseek and typed in "oye como va" and requested a translation. They both said "oye como va" means "it hears as it goes". They're probably right, but I think it loses something it the translation. I thought it meant something more along the lines of "Listen, how are you?". I could make a career out of being wrong, it seems. Anyway, thanks, as ever, for pointing me in the right direction. Here, have a fish.

Yum, yum. Ta. I didn't dare check with the fish. I reckoned the "como va" to be a colloquial "howdy = how goes it" and I couldn't recall anything like "oye" so decided it was the old Norman French / Middle English "Oyez". I think I worked it myself but it might have been that fish in my ear. If I can sell you one more ticket, the first six postings of: http://www.h2g2.com/F34211?thread=41653 turn out to be quite humorous or perhaps *ROFL*. Promise not to interfere any more. I'm taking all the fun out of your getting lost wandering around. Ciao. p

I had a look at the polyglot plaza. I'm going to have to print it out and ask my brother to translate it for me. I don't hold out much hope though. His Spanish never was much good and what he once knew he's probably forgotten. We both used to teach English as a foreign language in Malaga - a hell of a long time ago. I was there for about a year and he was there for about a decade. Some of our friends from there now live in the Wirral and their son, who was born there and spoke the language perfectly, has also forgotten. Funny isn't it? Anyway, I'll see what my bruv remembers.

And I don't know what you mean by taking all the fun out my wanderings - how much fun can one person have?

Hi,
(Another broken promise)
Que pasa ... it's not worth troubling anyone for a translation. From memory, it's a couple of youngsters talking about their respective spanish experience and homework and the babelfish but then Timelord (I think) pops in with the dead babelfish crack. It (and the deadpan response "ignore them - only Spanish here") really made me laugh.
Bit unkind I suppose but still ...

Oh, ok then. Billygoat the Mugwump will be relieved. It is entertaining to watch the way a group of people having a serious chat get all sniffy about some outsider trying to introduce a bit of humour. It's a bit like what happens when a bunch of sober people are approached by a giggling drunk. The scene's better observed from a safe distance though. And yes, you're probably right about it being unkind, but that's humour for you.